writhenwud
New member
- Joined
- Mar 26, 2016
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- 5
- MBTI Type
- INTP
- Enneagram
- 5w4
- Instinctual Variant
- sp
Hi, guys. I need some advice from INFJs on how I should handle this emotional clusterfudge I've given myself and my former S/O. That and I think I need to unburden myself - my blog's no longer a safe space to do so. Also, yes, you can criticize me - I'm aware how wrong and psychotic I was. I can take it.
I'm currently trying really hard right now to 'get better'. Yes, I know I was being creepy and obsessive and a stalker - yes, I'm going back to my therapist soon to discuss this even more and possibly get my meds changed around. I've started a bunch of new attempts at self-improvement - and you can call me whatever you like, just please don't be condescending and say my feelings aren't real - I can't handle that; I really can't. I feel sometimes like they're not real, but they *are,* I feel more 'real' than I ever have before and I honestly hate it - because the real me's nothing to be proud of. I never thought I was capable of these types of emotions, or even that anyone else was - I honestly always hated love songs; thought they were over-dramatic.
I know I'm immature. I know how it sounds - but the only thing I need to make clear is my feelings on this ARE incredibly real - dorky long-distance love or not, I feel like I'm dying without her. And honestly, that's what I deserve at this point. But, I feel like I have to keep going - the point of life is to make it better for others, even if you're a crazy eff-up like me. That's why I'm here - learning more on typology and focusing on how to make myself a better person.
And yes - this is also a very, very long post. I really needed to make it for myself, but you don't need to read the whole thing or 'TL;DR' at me; you can just skip to my questions at the bottom. All you really need to know is I unforgivably hurt and scared the person I love and there's no going back from it - I just want to know if an apology will be appropriate down the line, or if the only person that would benefit from that is me.
Okay, here goes.
*****
I'm in the most emotional pain I've ever felt in my life - I honestly didn't know an emotion could hurt physically until now. The only person I've ever loved - INFJ - wants nothing to do with me anymore. I'd like to explain the situation to y'all and then I'd like advice on what to do - should I wait about eight months or so and send her an apology, or is that really just selfish of me since I don't think she wants to hear from me again? It would make ME feel better, whether she responds or not. But I'm trying to think in terms of what would be better for her.
So, a couple years ago, I met INFJ through my blog. We share a lot of interests, and at the time she was happy that I decided to befriend her since I was a moderately popular fan artist and a little older than her. (I'm currently 28; she just turned 22.) We eventually began talking on Skype, and she began RPing with me, which is my favorite hobby. We shared a love of very specific things like Fallout and religious characters; etc. This whole thing is murdering me because I'll never have anyone like her in my life again - who else will ever discuss those same topics with me? AND be female, since I think maybe that's what I prefer? AND not disrespect my physical boundaries? What is the likelihood I'll ever feel like this for anyone else? At the point, I don't want it. Never again.
Anyway.
INFJ was a wonderful RP partner; the best I've ever had. After a while, I realized with surprise that I had a crush on her - surprise because I've really never been interested in anyone before, although I've dated males a little (and was usually the dumper after a few weeks.)
I knew she liked girls, but I still sorta figured my feelings were fantasy - she was around 20-21 at the time and by far a beauty compared to me (not fishing for compliments; it's just one of those factual things no one could argue if they saw her.) Plus, when we finally met up in-person at a convention, I was dressed very unattractively as a male character and balding (I have alopecia.) But, then - we were talking, and she bopped my hip. And I began to think, maaaaybe. Just maybe.
A few months later, I told her how I felt. It was extremely awkward - I hadn't planned on doing it up until five minutes before it happened. I wasn't sure what she'd do. She reacted with confusion and said she'd had no idea, but it wasn't a *bad* reaction. A couple weeks later, she asked me to be her girlfriend, which I delightedly said 'yes' to.
The first couple weeks were really amazing. We lived six hours apart, but we stayed in touch easily through the computer. She was the first person to completely respect my boundaries - I go to therapy for an intense sexual phobia/repulsion (I've had some issues with a few guys in my life; it's not important to this story except that finding someone who doesn't mind the issues that crop up from this is REALLY a problem for me), and she always asked before kissing me and didn't mind that I didn't want sex - some of the people I dated in my past tried to pressure me or went too far.
I felt like I could tell INFJ anything, and I did. I told her about my issues with Pure O (type of thought-based OCD; I become obsessive over things, people, and intrusive and unpleasant thoughts) but it didn't scare her off. She told me about her Borderline Personality Disorder - I thought that was perfect. My mom is BPD, and I'm used to the rapid emotional changes. Maybe I'd be good for her; sort of a stabilizing figure - I guess looking back on this, I may have been some sort of rescuing a-hole. But at the time, it was sort of like, 'ahhh, fate!'
My therapist was a little worried about it because according to him, we're 'on opposite sides of the emotional spectrum.' He's diagnosed me with Asperger's, although I don't think I really have that - I think that's just my INTP-ness; it can be a little surprising in females I guess.
I knew she was INFJ from her blog and I read up a lot on the type and also BPD - I wanted to understand her inside and out, and thought I really did - I didn't. That was ego.
I wasn't worried about the door-slam aspect of INFJs until she decided to door-slam her then-best friend/sister/ex (I'll explain that in a sec.) It was really shocking for me, because as long as I'd known her, they were glued to one another. She explained to me that this girl was a horrible friend to her in private, and when she described the emotional and physical abuse, it stopped worrying me as much - this was a positive thing for her to do. This other girl's family had taken INFJ in when her dad died and legally adopted her - she'd lived with them a number of years. During that time, her then-best-friend/sister would do things like cheat on her boyfriends with her and even hit her. She constantly put her down. She was just now beginning to gain the confidence to get rid of this person from her life since she now had a girlfriend and another new friend.
The problem came that after she door-slammed Old Best Friend, she became very, very depressed. Getting rid of OBF also meant getting rid of OBF's parents, whom she loves and misses. She also missed the fun and spontaneity she'd had with OBF - she said as much as she loved me and her New Best Friend, neither of us could replace OBF.
At first, I listened pretty well. After a while, it became more difficult - I've written a novel and I had some interest from agents, but I had to make a lot of changes for them, fly to NYC and all this stuff that took forever. I also began sleeping a LOT more than normal - I thought this was due to stress over the book. I began to be not as-there for her emotionally; as well, I really was confused about how to deal with it. I didn't know if she wanted me to try to distract her or talk it out with her, and she wouldn't answer that question when I'd ask. I ended up usually trying to distract her.
We went to a convention together, and it was later I found out I'd upset her then - I didn't know this, but she'd been really excited about us dressing up together, and instead, I asked to go home early, slept a lot, and was a little dull. I thought she knew why - I told her I was really worried about my book and how much I was sleeping instead of writing, and now we were doing this and my anxiety was through the roof. But she later told me she thought I wasn't having a good time because of her.
I also met her New Best Friend and NBF's fiancee, who I'd been excited to meet, but she seemed a little stand-offish towards me - I think it's the age difference. They're barely out of their teens.
After that, things changed a little with me and INFJ. We had our first argument, which I didn't personally think was a big deal but she carried that with her for a while. She also complained that I had become submissive toward her since the argument, which I hadn't really noticed - to me, I was just trying to avoid needless conflict over stuff we were always going to disagree on (social stuff, like politics, feminism, etc - she calls herself an MRA and I'm actually ok with that; there was just always stuff we weren't going to see eye-to-eye on and why bring it up?)
She also started talking more and more about NBF and hanging out with her constantly. This didn't bother me at first; we were long-distance and I figured it was great she had NBF to hang out with rather than OBF and maybe she wouldn't be so depressed.
Not so. It seemed like her depression only got worse, and I did become a little sad and jealous because she wasn't talking to me or RPing with me nearly as much as she used to. The way I handled this was to tell her I was lonely - she apologized and acknowledged she was 'neglecting' me (her words, not mine - I just wanted to talk to her; RP more).
Looking back, I should have realized her feelings for me were dissipating. I just rationalized it as she was depressed and missed her OBF. I was/am still starry-eyed over her, and figured I'd just wait out this time and things would go back to normal.
Still, I must have figured out she was upset with me about something, because a little over a month ago, I told her I didn't feel like I was there for her enough emotionally. She agreed with me, and said she didn't understand why I always talked about these people and situations I was empathetic towards, but was never empathetic towards her. I apologized and promised to do better - and I did. I tried to talk with her about everything. I bought gifts and made her slide shows about the kind of person she is and how much I love her. I also finally went to the doctor and got diagnosed with untreated severe asthma - the reason I had been sleeping so much was that I didn't have enough air getting to my brain, and I got a LOT better after I started handling that. I was so happy - I was with the girl I loved and I was showing her.
But, still. It seemed like nothing I was doing cheered INFJ up. I now know it was already too late and she probably had already made up her mind on dumping me, but I didn't get it at the time - this is VERY much my first (and only) love.
To me, she just wasn't opening up with me emotionally anymore. She didn't give me her usual amount of sympathy when I told her about my asthma - I actually took the way she responded as condescending. 'You don't deserve asthma,' was all she said.
I finally told her I was worried; she didn't seem to care like she used to. She rarely did anything to show me her feelings - back in the day, she was drawing me pictures and telling me how 'perfect' I was, and now I didn't get anything anymore, except when it seemed like she felt she had to. For example, I'd often greet her with 'ahhh the most beautiful girl in the world is talking to me!' and she'd respond with 'well, you're not talking to a mirror, so that can't be true.'
I think after being too distant I then became smothering... which is another form of control, or insecurity. I drew her characters, wrote her little soliloquys on how I loved her, told her that her 'good mornings' were my favorite part of the day. I told her it didn't seem like she cared for me as much anymore. She responded that, 'look, I love you. You and NBF are like the only people I say 'good morning' and 'goodnight' to. I'm sorry I'm down lately.'
I took her at her word - she'd shared so much with me before. Of course she loved me. She also constantly made it a point to tell me she never lied and hated liars - OBF was a liar.
Still, it wound down further; I was finally getting more of the 'danger' signal through my dumb skull. The day before she dumped me, I asked her a very specific question. 'Do you still see me romantically?'
She responded with, 'I love you and I can imagine spending the rest of my life with you. But do I see you romantically? I'm not sure.'
I said that was ok - perhaps we'd eventually be more like sisters than anything else. It was similar to stuff in our RP; our characters were best friends who fought a couple times and abandoned one another but would eventually become like brothers to one another. I asked her if I could still be romantic towards her, and she said 'dude, you're fine!' (I reeeeeally should have gotten it then...) instead, I sent her flowers.
The next day, she was in a bad mood, and she seemed to purposefully pick a topic of conversation that I would disagree with. She'd complained again very recently about my 'submissiveness' so I thought, okay, she wants a fight. I can do that. So I argued with her this time. (It was nothing personal, I felt - this argument was over Millenial attitudes or something.) I really should have realized this was the wrong decision, though. She left the conversation and when she returned to it, she wrote me a fairly long breakup message. In it, she tried to be kind and soften the blow with the whole 'it's not you it's me' thing, but the only thing I zeroed in on was a part where she said that 'look, I appreciate how you're trying harder lately, but I don't think it's really in your nature to be empathetic and I don't think you need someone as negative as me in your life.'
I.... overreacted. Honestly. I've never felt like that before. I was devastated. I know it seems obvious now, but I honestly and truly hadn't expected her to dump me just like that - I thought she'd discuss it with me and we could fix anything that was wrong.
I threw up. Twice. Didn't eat anything for two days.
This whole next part's kind of a blur - I'm not even sure how many weeks it's been since this happened. This is the part where I eff everything up - I'm not certain in how short or long a time.
When we first got together, we talked about how even if we ever broke up, we'd always be wonderful friends. I took that very, very seriously - I was basically in denial, and tried to talk to her as much as before. She really didn't want to, though. No good mornings; no good nights.
I was in agony - the person I usually whined to wasn't available for my whining anymore.
I immediately took to my blog and wrote about how miserable I was, how this was like a physical pain, how I couldn't eat, sleep, etc. It was really pitiful and 'woe is me.' It was true to how I felt, but I shouldn't have done this, since she was a friend on my blog and could see all of this. She talked about feeling awful.
I really had no idea emotions could feel like this - I thought people were always exaggerating over heartbreak. I felt like I'd had an arm ripped off. I couldn't talk about it with my family or friends since they didn't approve - I didn't know where to talk about it. However, posting this stuff where she could see it was perhaps a passive-aggressive attempt at control...?
I... really am unsure of all my motivations at the time. I wanted sympathy and I wasn't getting any, that I know for sure. When I wrote about my devastation that she'd so quickly taken my name off her profile when it'd taken her weeks to take OBF's name off after she was dumped, her NBF posted a message of 'oh my f*** lord' which I assumed was directed towards me. I directed my next post towards NBF, and said 'I saw that, friend. I understand; I'll leave her alone.' I later messaged NBF directly and asked her if we could still be friendly as she seemed upset with me. She told me her message had been about a game she was playing and not directed toward me at all. I didn't believe her and still don't but decided to go with it. I asked her to take care of INFJ - she responded with 'don't worry, I will.' This actually just shot my paranoia and depression through the roof. It sounded to me like they'd discussed it and decided that it would be best if I were no longer a part of her life like I used to be.
I attempted to smooth things over, but just made it worse - I blogged the 'if you love someone set them free' quote with a smiley face, but then NBF immediately unfriended me. I started obsessing over what she and my ex began to post - stuff about people who 'vague blog'; etc. The ones that really wounded my pride was stuff like 'don't treat people like shit then play the victim later' and worst of all, a post about 'explaining to your ex why things didn't work out' with a picture of a guy talking to a dumpster. At the time, I still had a lot of ego and thought I should've been given more of a chance, since I had been feeling awful for the past couple months and had started doing a lot better in terms of giving her attention. (Now that I think about it, this constant attention was probably smothering and another control attempt?) But in my head at the time, I hadn't ever hit her or lied to her like OBF. I wasn't garbage.
This next part is bad. I tried talking to her; sent her several long messages about how I was changing things for the better, which she didn't respond to. It'd also been her birthday and I'd already bought her presents before the breakup, so I began mailing those. One of them was tickets to a band we both like - I'd hoped we could still go see them, and she said 'yes'. Maybe things would get better, I thought. I was still desperate and felt like I could fix it somehow - I was in denial.
I wrote her another message about how I considered her my sister, and could we just have that kind of relationship, then? Like our characters in our RP. I also remembered how she'd complained to me that neither me nor NBF could replace OBF, since OBF was just so spontaneously fun - she'd take her for surprise road trips, etc. and so I asked her if she'd like me to take her on one since she's been so sad lately. She answered with 'please, I've never had someone act this way after a break-up and I'm afraid of what to say to you' and I told her 'just say it; I'd rather know.'
Which that was true - I wanted to know how she really felt, if she wanted me in her life at all, or if I should just go.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. I shouldn't have bothered her like that. I did anyway - I wanted to hear it from her. It was then that NBF messaged me, reaming me out - said I was creepy, a psycho and a stalker. I was sad and agreed - I hadn't realized I was SCARING INFJ and I've been stalked before and should have realized what this seemed like. I had figured it was okay since I was asking if I could do stuff and wasn't doing anything without permission like this one guy had done with me, but I should have figured this was a real problem on its own. I should have taken her silence as her 'no'. NBF told me to leave INFJ alone and that I didn't deserve anything from her, that she herself didn't ask for friendship after a relationship ended, not even respect. I told her I would, but it was a lie - I only stopped talking to INFJ directly.
What I wanted was to see if INFJ REALLY felt this way about me or if this was just NBF's interpretation, since NBF assured me her message was only from her, and had nothing to do with INFJ. What I wanted was for things to blow over like in our stories, our RPs together - our characters had beautiful adventures and even after all they'd been through, ended up more like brothers. In my mind, I thought, 'those stories meant so much to me. They have to mean the same to her.'
So, dumbly, paranoia-edly, psychotically - I made a new profile and began asking her questions about the posts I thought were about me. This was really stupid and desperate and I was half-aware it wasn't going to work and it was far too obvious, but I was sooooooo scared about being cut out of her life, especially since she wouldn't speak to me and had blogged a post about 'if you support others cutting people out of their lives when they need to, don't get mad when it has to be done to you.'
In a way, I did get what I wanted - a direct answer.
She called me out publicly on her blog. Called me a psycho and a stalker, said I behaved like a toddler after she dumped me. Said her NBF was thankfully familiar with these signs, showed her how often I'd refreshed on her page (...tbh I always did that even before the break-up; it's distressing how obsessed I was and didn't even consider that outside of the norm), and that I was basically what I always hated - the female version of a friend-zoned creep.
You know, in a way, being publicly called out was good for me. It was what I wanted, in a way - I wanted to know what she thought of me, in her own words. And it was all true - although it took me a week or so to really sit down and sort out how all this had happened and what I had done.
I guess what really hurts now was the hate I drove her to, not the door slam. I deserve it, I know - but just the fact I've driven the person I love to hate me is what kills me inside. I'm depressed that she unfriended me everywhere and will never talk to me again, sure - but I need to stop caring about that in terms of ME and start caring for the people I love in a healthy way, in a way they can trust me. I don't go on her page at all anymore - I don't want to further betray her. I actually keep having a reoccurring nightmare that I go back on her blog and wake up panicking that I've betrayed her again - but thankfully, I haven't.
I know she's never going to love or even like me again or even speak to me; that's consequences and you reap what you sow. But I do REALLY want to apologize - I just don't know if I SHOULD. I don't want to scare her or dredge up bad memories for her. What I would do is wait maybe 3-8 months then send her an apology email. If I do send her one, I'm not sure if I should make it long or short.
But, heck - maybe it'd be better not to send one at all. Is the best respect of her as a person to not ever contact her again, since that seems to be what she wants? Or would she prefer an apology down the road, when she's not afraid of me like... idk, coming over for a 'surprise road trip' randomly or something (I'll never do that or contact her in person at all; I never intended to scare her and at the time I thought she knew why I thought that'd be a good idea, but now I know how it came across and she's probably afraid I'm going to actually do it.)
I guess here's my questions in condensed form.
1. Should I apologize at all, since it's pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me. It perhaps would only benefit myself?
2. If I do apologize, would it be better to do it after three months, six months, eight months? Even longer? I *really* don't want to scare her again.
3. If I apologize, and whenever I do it, should I send her a long explanation-style email or just an 'i'm really sorry i'm a psycho and I only wish you well in life' type-thing?
What do y'all think, INFJs? And yes - you can 'yikes' at me. I'm a monster-freak and I didn't deserve her. I'm crazy and she needs stability. I know. I'm working on it; that's why I'm here. That's why I wanted to ask your opinion on the apology - if it would be nice for her, or only nice for me. If it's only nice for me, then I'm not going to do it - I'm tired of selfishness. I want to be good to her.
I really hope I get some replies to this, even if it's just hate - it's better than silence or awkward condescending pity toward a really effed-up person.
Thank you so much. I'm really wanting to do the best thing now - this is at least a learning experience for me.
I'm currently trying really hard right now to 'get better'. Yes, I know I was being creepy and obsessive and a stalker - yes, I'm going back to my therapist soon to discuss this even more and possibly get my meds changed around. I've started a bunch of new attempts at self-improvement - and you can call me whatever you like, just please don't be condescending and say my feelings aren't real - I can't handle that; I really can't. I feel sometimes like they're not real, but they *are,* I feel more 'real' than I ever have before and I honestly hate it - because the real me's nothing to be proud of. I never thought I was capable of these types of emotions, or even that anyone else was - I honestly always hated love songs; thought they were over-dramatic.
I know I'm immature. I know how it sounds - but the only thing I need to make clear is my feelings on this ARE incredibly real - dorky long-distance love or not, I feel like I'm dying without her. And honestly, that's what I deserve at this point. But, I feel like I have to keep going - the point of life is to make it better for others, even if you're a crazy eff-up like me. That's why I'm here - learning more on typology and focusing on how to make myself a better person.
And yes - this is also a very, very long post. I really needed to make it for myself, but you don't need to read the whole thing or 'TL;DR' at me; you can just skip to my questions at the bottom. All you really need to know is I unforgivably hurt and scared the person I love and there's no going back from it - I just want to know if an apology will be appropriate down the line, or if the only person that would benefit from that is me.
Okay, here goes.
*****
I'm in the most emotional pain I've ever felt in my life - I honestly didn't know an emotion could hurt physically until now. The only person I've ever loved - INFJ - wants nothing to do with me anymore. I'd like to explain the situation to y'all and then I'd like advice on what to do - should I wait about eight months or so and send her an apology, or is that really just selfish of me since I don't think she wants to hear from me again? It would make ME feel better, whether she responds or not. But I'm trying to think in terms of what would be better for her.
So, a couple years ago, I met INFJ through my blog. We share a lot of interests, and at the time she was happy that I decided to befriend her since I was a moderately popular fan artist and a little older than her. (I'm currently 28; she just turned 22.) We eventually began talking on Skype, and she began RPing with me, which is my favorite hobby. We shared a love of very specific things like Fallout and religious characters; etc. This whole thing is murdering me because I'll never have anyone like her in my life again - who else will ever discuss those same topics with me? AND be female, since I think maybe that's what I prefer? AND not disrespect my physical boundaries? What is the likelihood I'll ever feel like this for anyone else? At the point, I don't want it. Never again.
Anyway.
INFJ was a wonderful RP partner; the best I've ever had. After a while, I realized with surprise that I had a crush on her - surprise because I've really never been interested in anyone before, although I've dated males a little (and was usually the dumper after a few weeks.)
I knew she liked girls, but I still sorta figured my feelings were fantasy - she was around 20-21 at the time and by far a beauty compared to me (not fishing for compliments; it's just one of those factual things no one could argue if they saw her.) Plus, when we finally met up in-person at a convention, I was dressed very unattractively as a male character and balding (I have alopecia.) But, then - we were talking, and she bopped my hip. And I began to think, maaaaybe. Just maybe.
A few months later, I told her how I felt. It was extremely awkward - I hadn't planned on doing it up until five minutes before it happened. I wasn't sure what she'd do. She reacted with confusion and said she'd had no idea, but it wasn't a *bad* reaction. A couple weeks later, she asked me to be her girlfriend, which I delightedly said 'yes' to.
The first couple weeks were really amazing. We lived six hours apart, but we stayed in touch easily through the computer. She was the first person to completely respect my boundaries - I go to therapy for an intense sexual phobia/repulsion (I've had some issues with a few guys in my life; it's not important to this story except that finding someone who doesn't mind the issues that crop up from this is REALLY a problem for me), and she always asked before kissing me and didn't mind that I didn't want sex - some of the people I dated in my past tried to pressure me or went too far.
I felt like I could tell INFJ anything, and I did. I told her about my issues with Pure O (type of thought-based OCD; I become obsessive over things, people, and intrusive and unpleasant thoughts) but it didn't scare her off. She told me about her Borderline Personality Disorder - I thought that was perfect. My mom is BPD, and I'm used to the rapid emotional changes. Maybe I'd be good for her; sort of a stabilizing figure - I guess looking back on this, I may have been some sort of rescuing a-hole. But at the time, it was sort of like, 'ahhh, fate!'
My therapist was a little worried about it because according to him, we're 'on opposite sides of the emotional spectrum.' He's diagnosed me with Asperger's, although I don't think I really have that - I think that's just my INTP-ness; it can be a little surprising in females I guess.
I knew she was INFJ from her blog and I read up a lot on the type and also BPD - I wanted to understand her inside and out, and thought I really did - I didn't. That was ego.
I wasn't worried about the door-slam aspect of INFJs until she decided to door-slam her then-best friend/sister/ex (I'll explain that in a sec.) It was really shocking for me, because as long as I'd known her, they were glued to one another. She explained to me that this girl was a horrible friend to her in private, and when she described the emotional and physical abuse, it stopped worrying me as much - this was a positive thing for her to do. This other girl's family had taken INFJ in when her dad died and legally adopted her - she'd lived with them a number of years. During that time, her then-best-friend/sister would do things like cheat on her boyfriends with her and even hit her. She constantly put her down. She was just now beginning to gain the confidence to get rid of this person from her life since she now had a girlfriend and another new friend.
The problem came that after she door-slammed Old Best Friend, she became very, very depressed. Getting rid of OBF also meant getting rid of OBF's parents, whom she loves and misses. She also missed the fun and spontaneity she'd had with OBF - she said as much as she loved me and her New Best Friend, neither of us could replace OBF.
At first, I listened pretty well. After a while, it became more difficult - I've written a novel and I had some interest from agents, but I had to make a lot of changes for them, fly to NYC and all this stuff that took forever. I also began sleeping a LOT more than normal - I thought this was due to stress over the book. I began to be not as-there for her emotionally; as well, I really was confused about how to deal with it. I didn't know if she wanted me to try to distract her or talk it out with her, and she wouldn't answer that question when I'd ask. I ended up usually trying to distract her.
We went to a convention together, and it was later I found out I'd upset her then - I didn't know this, but she'd been really excited about us dressing up together, and instead, I asked to go home early, slept a lot, and was a little dull. I thought she knew why - I told her I was really worried about my book and how much I was sleeping instead of writing, and now we were doing this and my anxiety was through the roof. But she later told me she thought I wasn't having a good time because of her.
I also met her New Best Friend and NBF's fiancee, who I'd been excited to meet, but she seemed a little stand-offish towards me - I think it's the age difference. They're barely out of their teens.
After that, things changed a little with me and INFJ. We had our first argument, which I didn't personally think was a big deal but she carried that with her for a while. She also complained that I had become submissive toward her since the argument, which I hadn't really noticed - to me, I was just trying to avoid needless conflict over stuff we were always going to disagree on (social stuff, like politics, feminism, etc - she calls herself an MRA and I'm actually ok with that; there was just always stuff we weren't going to see eye-to-eye on and why bring it up?)
She also started talking more and more about NBF and hanging out with her constantly. This didn't bother me at first; we were long-distance and I figured it was great she had NBF to hang out with rather than OBF and maybe she wouldn't be so depressed.
Not so. It seemed like her depression only got worse, and I did become a little sad and jealous because she wasn't talking to me or RPing with me nearly as much as she used to. The way I handled this was to tell her I was lonely - she apologized and acknowledged she was 'neglecting' me (her words, not mine - I just wanted to talk to her; RP more).
Looking back, I should have realized her feelings for me were dissipating. I just rationalized it as she was depressed and missed her OBF. I was/am still starry-eyed over her, and figured I'd just wait out this time and things would go back to normal.
Still, I must have figured out she was upset with me about something, because a little over a month ago, I told her I didn't feel like I was there for her enough emotionally. She agreed with me, and said she didn't understand why I always talked about these people and situations I was empathetic towards, but was never empathetic towards her. I apologized and promised to do better - and I did. I tried to talk with her about everything. I bought gifts and made her slide shows about the kind of person she is and how much I love her. I also finally went to the doctor and got diagnosed with untreated severe asthma - the reason I had been sleeping so much was that I didn't have enough air getting to my brain, and I got a LOT better after I started handling that. I was so happy - I was with the girl I loved and I was showing her.
But, still. It seemed like nothing I was doing cheered INFJ up. I now know it was already too late and she probably had already made up her mind on dumping me, but I didn't get it at the time - this is VERY much my first (and only) love.
To me, she just wasn't opening up with me emotionally anymore. She didn't give me her usual amount of sympathy when I told her about my asthma - I actually took the way she responded as condescending. 'You don't deserve asthma,' was all she said.
I finally told her I was worried; she didn't seem to care like she used to. She rarely did anything to show me her feelings - back in the day, she was drawing me pictures and telling me how 'perfect' I was, and now I didn't get anything anymore, except when it seemed like she felt she had to. For example, I'd often greet her with 'ahhh the most beautiful girl in the world is talking to me!' and she'd respond with 'well, you're not talking to a mirror, so that can't be true.'
I think after being too distant I then became smothering... which is another form of control, or insecurity. I drew her characters, wrote her little soliloquys on how I loved her, told her that her 'good mornings' were my favorite part of the day. I told her it didn't seem like she cared for me as much anymore. She responded that, 'look, I love you. You and NBF are like the only people I say 'good morning' and 'goodnight' to. I'm sorry I'm down lately.'
I took her at her word - she'd shared so much with me before. Of course she loved me. She also constantly made it a point to tell me she never lied and hated liars - OBF was a liar.
Still, it wound down further; I was finally getting more of the 'danger' signal through my dumb skull. The day before she dumped me, I asked her a very specific question. 'Do you still see me romantically?'
She responded with, 'I love you and I can imagine spending the rest of my life with you. But do I see you romantically? I'm not sure.'
I said that was ok - perhaps we'd eventually be more like sisters than anything else. It was similar to stuff in our RP; our characters were best friends who fought a couple times and abandoned one another but would eventually become like brothers to one another. I asked her if I could still be romantic towards her, and she said 'dude, you're fine!' (I reeeeeally should have gotten it then...) instead, I sent her flowers.
The next day, she was in a bad mood, and she seemed to purposefully pick a topic of conversation that I would disagree with. She'd complained again very recently about my 'submissiveness' so I thought, okay, she wants a fight. I can do that. So I argued with her this time. (It was nothing personal, I felt - this argument was over Millenial attitudes or something.) I really should have realized this was the wrong decision, though. She left the conversation and when she returned to it, she wrote me a fairly long breakup message. In it, she tried to be kind and soften the blow with the whole 'it's not you it's me' thing, but the only thing I zeroed in on was a part where she said that 'look, I appreciate how you're trying harder lately, but I don't think it's really in your nature to be empathetic and I don't think you need someone as negative as me in your life.'
I.... overreacted. Honestly. I've never felt like that before. I was devastated. I know it seems obvious now, but I honestly and truly hadn't expected her to dump me just like that - I thought she'd discuss it with me and we could fix anything that was wrong.
I threw up. Twice. Didn't eat anything for two days.
This whole next part's kind of a blur - I'm not even sure how many weeks it's been since this happened. This is the part where I eff everything up - I'm not certain in how short or long a time.
When we first got together, we talked about how even if we ever broke up, we'd always be wonderful friends. I took that very, very seriously - I was basically in denial, and tried to talk to her as much as before. She really didn't want to, though. No good mornings; no good nights.
I was in agony - the person I usually whined to wasn't available for my whining anymore.
I immediately took to my blog and wrote about how miserable I was, how this was like a physical pain, how I couldn't eat, sleep, etc. It was really pitiful and 'woe is me.' It was true to how I felt, but I shouldn't have done this, since she was a friend on my blog and could see all of this. She talked about feeling awful.
I really had no idea emotions could feel like this - I thought people were always exaggerating over heartbreak. I felt like I'd had an arm ripped off. I couldn't talk about it with my family or friends since they didn't approve - I didn't know where to talk about it. However, posting this stuff where she could see it was perhaps a passive-aggressive attempt at control...?
I... really am unsure of all my motivations at the time. I wanted sympathy and I wasn't getting any, that I know for sure. When I wrote about my devastation that she'd so quickly taken my name off her profile when it'd taken her weeks to take OBF's name off after she was dumped, her NBF posted a message of 'oh my f*** lord' which I assumed was directed towards me. I directed my next post towards NBF, and said 'I saw that, friend. I understand; I'll leave her alone.' I later messaged NBF directly and asked her if we could still be friendly as she seemed upset with me. She told me her message had been about a game she was playing and not directed toward me at all. I didn't believe her and still don't but decided to go with it. I asked her to take care of INFJ - she responded with 'don't worry, I will.' This actually just shot my paranoia and depression through the roof. It sounded to me like they'd discussed it and decided that it would be best if I were no longer a part of her life like I used to be.
I attempted to smooth things over, but just made it worse - I blogged the 'if you love someone set them free' quote with a smiley face, but then NBF immediately unfriended me. I started obsessing over what she and my ex began to post - stuff about people who 'vague blog'; etc. The ones that really wounded my pride was stuff like 'don't treat people like shit then play the victim later' and worst of all, a post about 'explaining to your ex why things didn't work out' with a picture of a guy talking to a dumpster. At the time, I still had a lot of ego and thought I should've been given more of a chance, since I had been feeling awful for the past couple months and had started doing a lot better in terms of giving her attention. (Now that I think about it, this constant attention was probably smothering and another control attempt?) But in my head at the time, I hadn't ever hit her or lied to her like OBF. I wasn't garbage.
This next part is bad. I tried talking to her; sent her several long messages about how I was changing things for the better, which she didn't respond to. It'd also been her birthday and I'd already bought her presents before the breakup, so I began mailing those. One of them was tickets to a band we both like - I'd hoped we could still go see them, and she said 'yes'. Maybe things would get better, I thought. I was still desperate and felt like I could fix it somehow - I was in denial.
I wrote her another message about how I considered her my sister, and could we just have that kind of relationship, then? Like our characters in our RP. I also remembered how she'd complained to me that neither me nor NBF could replace OBF, since OBF was just so spontaneously fun - she'd take her for surprise road trips, etc. and so I asked her if she'd like me to take her on one since she's been so sad lately. She answered with 'please, I've never had someone act this way after a break-up and I'm afraid of what to say to you' and I told her 'just say it; I'd rather know.'
Which that was true - I wanted to know how she really felt, if she wanted me in her life at all, or if I should just go.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. I shouldn't have bothered her like that. I did anyway - I wanted to hear it from her. It was then that NBF messaged me, reaming me out - said I was creepy, a psycho and a stalker. I was sad and agreed - I hadn't realized I was SCARING INFJ and I've been stalked before and should have realized what this seemed like. I had figured it was okay since I was asking if I could do stuff and wasn't doing anything without permission like this one guy had done with me, but I should have figured this was a real problem on its own. I should have taken her silence as her 'no'. NBF told me to leave INFJ alone and that I didn't deserve anything from her, that she herself didn't ask for friendship after a relationship ended, not even respect. I told her I would, but it was a lie - I only stopped talking to INFJ directly.
What I wanted was to see if INFJ REALLY felt this way about me or if this was just NBF's interpretation, since NBF assured me her message was only from her, and had nothing to do with INFJ. What I wanted was for things to blow over like in our stories, our RPs together - our characters had beautiful adventures and even after all they'd been through, ended up more like brothers. In my mind, I thought, 'those stories meant so much to me. They have to mean the same to her.'
So, dumbly, paranoia-edly, psychotically - I made a new profile and began asking her questions about the posts I thought were about me. This was really stupid and desperate and I was half-aware it wasn't going to work and it was far too obvious, but I was sooooooo scared about being cut out of her life, especially since she wouldn't speak to me and had blogged a post about 'if you support others cutting people out of their lives when they need to, don't get mad when it has to be done to you.'
In a way, I did get what I wanted - a direct answer.
She called me out publicly on her blog. Called me a psycho and a stalker, said I behaved like a toddler after she dumped me. Said her NBF was thankfully familiar with these signs, showed her how often I'd refreshed on her page (...tbh I always did that even before the break-up; it's distressing how obsessed I was and didn't even consider that outside of the norm), and that I was basically what I always hated - the female version of a friend-zoned creep.
You know, in a way, being publicly called out was good for me. It was what I wanted, in a way - I wanted to know what she thought of me, in her own words. And it was all true - although it took me a week or so to really sit down and sort out how all this had happened and what I had done.
I guess what really hurts now was the hate I drove her to, not the door slam. I deserve it, I know - but just the fact I've driven the person I love to hate me is what kills me inside. I'm depressed that she unfriended me everywhere and will never talk to me again, sure - but I need to stop caring about that in terms of ME and start caring for the people I love in a healthy way, in a way they can trust me. I don't go on her page at all anymore - I don't want to further betray her. I actually keep having a reoccurring nightmare that I go back on her blog and wake up panicking that I've betrayed her again - but thankfully, I haven't.
I know she's never going to love or even like me again or even speak to me; that's consequences and you reap what you sow. But I do REALLY want to apologize - I just don't know if I SHOULD. I don't want to scare her or dredge up bad memories for her. What I would do is wait maybe 3-8 months then send her an apology email. If I do send her one, I'm not sure if I should make it long or short.
But, heck - maybe it'd be better not to send one at all. Is the best respect of her as a person to not ever contact her again, since that seems to be what she wants? Or would she prefer an apology down the road, when she's not afraid of me like... idk, coming over for a 'surprise road trip' randomly or something (I'll never do that or contact her in person at all; I never intended to scare her and at the time I thought she knew why I thought that'd be a good idea, but now I know how it came across and she's probably afraid I'm going to actually do it.)
I guess here's my questions in condensed form.
1. Should I apologize at all, since it's pretty clear she wants nothing to do with me. It perhaps would only benefit myself?
2. If I do apologize, would it be better to do it after three months, six months, eight months? Even longer? I *really* don't want to scare her again.
3. If I apologize, and whenever I do it, should I send her a long explanation-style email or just an 'i'm really sorry i'm a psycho and I only wish you well in life' type-thing?
What do y'all think, INFJs? And yes - you can 'yikes' at me. I'm a monster-freak and I didn't deserve her. I'm crazy and she needs stability. I know. I'm working on it; that's why I'm here. That's why I wanted to ask your opinion on the apology - if it would be nice for her, or only nice for me. If it's only nice for me, then I'm not going to do it - I'm tired of selfishness. I want to be good to her.
I really hope I get some replies to this, even if it's just hate - it's better than silence or awkward condescending pity toward a really effed-up person.
Thank you so much. I'm really wanting to do the best thing now - this is at least a learning experience for me.
