One of my best friends (I've known her for half my life, she thinks she's INFJ but I believe she's INTJ) has always been somewhat 'dominant-light'. Half a year ago she has given birth to her first child & she has turned into a 'nothing-but-a-mother' type of person. Good for her although I have to get used to the new her, especially because me and my husband have chosen to never have children and feel a bit awkward around small children. She knows this. Nevertheless she thinks I should have a child as well and just oozes 'you-will-change-your-mind-someday' kind of vibes. Okay, I'm used to that, many people openly doubt my (very well thought through) decision, whatever, their problem.
So far so good. Then she came to visit our new house a few months ago with her boyfriend and baby. (She lives 150 miles away, so we hardly see each other, maybe twice a year) That's when she completely claimed the house. (and my house is my private castle, many INFJ's can probably relate). During the tour around our new home she was constantly talking to her baby 'giving him stuff'. I have a little cosy bench in my very private workroom and she just exclaimed "Oh look [name baby], you can sleep here!" Okay... This happened a few times more during the tour. All the while the baby was drooling on my wooden floor, which she didn't notice or didn't care for. Okay... Once she was sitting in the living room with a cup of tea I secretly hopped around the house with a cleaning cloth to remove his spit. Then she asked me told me to take the baby on my lap. I've never even touched a baby so I told her that maybe this was not such a good idea as I have to take things very slow with babies. She insisted nevertheless, stating that if I was going to be his semi-official godmother that I ought to take him *now*. Okay... [I did retract myself as godmother a few weeks later, due to it being incompatible with my childless life, should have never said yes in the first place, but was flattered that she asked]. Then we had to talk about her baby for many, many hours. Then it started crying and she ordered her boyfriend to go upstairs with him to calm him down. Huh, you tell your boyfriend to go upstairs, *my* upstairs, without even consulting me? While you know how I feel about letting people in in my private space? Okay, I just escorted boyfriend and baby to a place upstairs I could live with. These kind of things went on and on until they left and left me exhausted, having felt like a visitor in my own home.
This sounds to me like an issue on both of your parts.
I actually have some similar feelings that you mentioned here. While I'm flexible, I don't like it when people just walk into my personal space and suddenly act like it is their personal space. I would be extremely bothered if someone acted like your friend did -- basically because my best friends would never just try to take over my space anyway, they would always ask if something is okay first. It's more odd to me that you have someone you consider a close friend who seems to pervasively trample all your natural boundaries like this -- I would never feel close to someone who did that.
I also sympathize with dealing with someone who just assumes you'll be like her, as soon as you have a baby, and that it's just a matter of you "catching" up. To me, that is another boundary violation -- that not only your space is her space, but that your feelings and experiences will ultimately be the same as hers, rather than respecting that you are are a different person and might come to different conclusions about what you want out of life.
It makes sense to me that you withdrew from the godparent position, because it doesn't sounds like a good fit for you.
The "baby spit" thing, I might have been able to flex on and cleaned later, but I understand why you did what you did. I do think that, if you ever become a parent, you would end up having to deal with a LOT of stuff like that (one's life and environment simply cannot be controlled to that degree once one has kids, it's just impossible to maintain the energy level and it's not good for the kids to be in a rigid environment), so you probably could flex a bit more; but I understand that it's hard when you're single and usually have that degree of control over your personal surroundings.
All the underlined okays are moments that I think I maybe should have or could have been more assertive. My parents and husband agree that she crossed some boundaries during her visit, so apparently my feelings are valid
It's just the type of person she is. She very well knows how I feel about things (about babies, about letting people into my home), nevertheless she seems to just ignore it and do her own way. I realize she is very much in love with her baby right now, but does that mean that she can just ignore other people's obvious feelings?
I would wonder if she were more an extrovert, since extroverts tend to drift into those kinds of behaviors more easily; introverts are used to the idea of "personal space" and tend to be a little more respectful of it, but your friend sounds like she has no distinction between your space and hers.
A few days ago I received an e-mail in which she invites herself (including baby and boyfriend) to come round. I haven't replied yet and will reply that we will visit her home this time instead of the other way around, buying me some time to mentally prepare for her next visit. I'm also scared that she will never be an individual again, but the mother of a little family, travelling in a pack of three everywhere they go. I like her boyfriend and her baby to a decent extent, but I really don't need to see them everytime I see her. I can't possibly let a friendship be ruined by something innocent like a little baby, so I think this is the moment to bite the bullet and start being more assertive, but I don't know where to begin.
So what do you like about your relationship with her? Why do you want to maintain this friendship? It sounds like she does many things that irritates you and has no understanding of your personal boundaries, yet you want to persist in the friendship. So what benefit do you both receive from it?
Some people just really play into their role. It sounds like she always wanted to be a mom and derives a benefit from presenting herself as one. So for the moment, it sounds like you need to adjust to her being a "full-time mom" and not really exhibiting other aspects of herself that you connected better with. This kind of thing does happen when changes in life occur; sometimes friendships diminish and are even lost, other times they can persist. That's just life. If you want to maintain it, do your best, but it won't help anyone if you're forcing a friendship to exist past the point where it naturally exists. I've known other women like this, who really get into playing the role of wife and/or mom to the exclusion of other things; I am not one of those people, it's very important to me to maintain my individuality and diversity regardless of what roles I assume, but I know some other people are not that way. it simply means I can't expect as much of a relationship with them as I might like, it's just the way it is. So I would wish her well, do what you can, and meanwhile let her live her life.
I do think you just need to be more upfront with her -- that you would appreciate her asking or taking more care with your space when she is there, unless you specifically tell her it's okay to treat your house like her house. I don't think you can maintain the positive feelings toward her if you don't. And if you set boundaries and she abandons the friendship, then that's her choice; if she can respect them, then you can focus more on your friendship at last than be caught up in the other things that are bothering you. But you're going to either become ill or you're going to hate her, if you don't set better boundaries that are observable.
EDIT: I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, so forgive me if I missed some new and/or updated info that would change my reply...