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I was a tall skinny kid. Everyone told me I would be tall, and I believed it and loved my body, even though I was bigger than all the other kids. The teasing started when I was 8. Early puberty is no bueno for a girl I was something like a 30E by the time I was 13 (wearing a badly fitting 34D of course) and then the doctors told me I would grow anymore. I proved them wrong by 3 inches, but at just under 5'5", I'm the shortest person in my family, even my extended family. My 13 yr old female cousin is 5'9". Somehow I wound up short and very curvy, and an endomorph to boot. I hate it! I'm almost back to a healthy weight since I gained a bunch due to depression, but I'm still not happy. I'm trying to tone up now and get visible muscle definition, and to emphasize my curves, since that seems like the best bet for my body. But it's not what I really want, and I worry that I'll never be happy. I have a large frame (perfect for tallness! thanks nature!), which makes me despair of ever feeling really beautiful in my own eyes. Idc what anyone else thinks or how many people say I look good. It's not my aesthetic.
Please don't fill this thread with body acceptance messages. As a reformed fat girl, I've heard it all a million times. I DON'T love the skin I'm in. And instead of trying to brainwash myself, I'd like to know that my concerns are valid/shared.
I'm forcing myself to exercise every day and do yoga. Most of the time when I get home, however, I just want to collapse in front of the tv and shut down my brain. It takes a lot of will power to get off my butt and on the treadmill.
Strangely, seeing people (on tv) in tight jeans seem to motivate me. Guys and girls. There's something about tight jeans...
I'm forcing myself to exercise every day and do yoga. Most of the time when I get home, however, I just want to collapse in front of the tv and shut down my brain. It takes a lot of will power to get off my butt and on the treadmill.
I wouldn't say that I obsess about my body as I am sometimes oblivious to it, but I have never felt good about it or like showing it off. Objectively I don't think there is anything wrong with me except I used to be too skinny. Now that I'm a little older I can't get my tummy flat and sometimes my medication make me poof up a bit, so I feel upset about that.
I read an interesting book about body dysmorphic disorder in which individuals become obsessed with specific body parts being wrong. I actually have come to think that rejection of one's body, or an individual body part is driven by social rejection. When we do not have a healthy sense of our place in the world socially, we can attempt to gain control of it by internalizing it to the individual level and reject parts of ourselves. It's just a theory, but at any rate I think it has more to do with feelings of rejection which we internalize and try to control.
People who feel this way (I know from experience) need lots of hugs, special yummy dinners, warm baths, the smell of lilacs, and every wonderful sensation possible in their physical selves.
I was always a scrawny kid growing up but in between 6th and 7th grade, I gained much more weight which made me very happy as I finally look healthy now.
<---struggled with anorexia nervosa from about 14yrs old to early 20s. Have an overall distorted body image, though much of the focus is on proportions. My earliest memory of feeling this way is about 9-10 years old. Body Dysmorphic Disorder has been suggested by previous doctors. I'm not as bad off as I've seen some people with this problem, in terms of behaviors, and allowing intrusive thoughts to control me. They fully believe the self delusions, that people are all "lying" when they tell them there's nothing terribly wrong with their appearance- some devloping a sort of addiction to cosmetic surgery, or taking other extreme/needless measures to repair what ain't broke. I am aware I have this mental distortion impairing my judgement, and while I can't shut it off fully, I am rationally aware, at the same time, how others don't see what I see. The cognitive dissonance there can be maddening in of itself, sometimes. What people do or don't say doesn't seem to reach that tangled knot. Not much does. Even if my eyes can see & my hands can feel exposed ribs & pelvic bones, it doesn't compute with my mind's eye. Fucking.. brains are weird. Nevertheless, the awareness of the delusion keeps me from starving myself. I want to be healthy. And remain so. I'm still neurotic about certain foods, or eating around people, but all that matters to me right now is that I DO eat. Feed my body vs feed the delusion. Knots may loosen, in time.
Some misinformed people will dismiss issues like this as being "shallow" or "vain." However, vanity is typically excessive focus on one's appearance due to pride- there exists a notion that the appearance in question is, or can be, beautiful/should be maintained as such. This pride and potential describes the exact opposite of what people with body image issues usually experience- pervasive shame, inadequacy, and hopelessness. This kind of superficial, overly simplistic viewpoint can be extremely invalidating to people who are trying to deal with their problem. To a lesser extent, so can the canned "love yourself," phrases ("You're beautiful! You shouldn't feel that way!") people like to throw around, although, at least they mean well.
The overwhelming shame about my appearance is a constant; the default belief that there is something inherently "wrong" with me... I never cared about or wanted to be "pretty," I just have always wanted to be free of that sense of shame and disgust. I've worked very hard over the years to undo this damage.. there's still a long road ahead, but at least I'm taking those steps, instead of self-destructing. I try to turn the volume down on those intrusive thoughts/feelings. Remind myself that these are just faulty constructs of the psyche. Constructs presently under renovation. Doesn't always work.. but I still seem to be aware more often these days, in the corners of my mind.. that the storm will pass. I try to push those boundaries, gradually. Challenge triggers in small ways, through cumulative exposure. For example- I hate being photographed, but over the past 4 years I've tried to acclimate myself to it. Some days are better than others. A sense of near-neutrality vs deafening panic. And vice versa. On better days I might even share them with little anxiety, to push myself that tiny bit more. It's a process.
An unfortunate trigger lately has been a severe, recurrent infection (hospitalized for blood poisoning a couple times)- full thickness chronic wounds, that destroyed deep supporting tissues in parts of my face, leaving large, cavernous scars (it looks like someone took a chisel & lobbed off hunks of my face). Secondary infection to some benign neoplasms. It all started in the middle of 2011. My immune system hates me. I probably did that to myself, not eating well over the years. It was unbearable having to even go to the store with bandages on, masses of gauze stuffed underneath.. praying they wouldn't leak before I finished shopping. Finally found an infectious disease specialist & a plastic surgeon able to help me. Infectious disease doctor has helped the infection. I'm afraid to say cured, still (it did recur when he took me off meds too soon, but I'm back on them again & ok). I'm afraid to say it's over. Plastic surgeon has done 2 reconstructive surgeries to 2 areas of deep scarring, & to keep abscesses from recurring. They're invisible now, except the most complex one, but even that, you have to look very closely to notice. I still have several left that she'll be repairing in September, and the results will probably be like the others that have become invisible. Moment to moment right now, though, while I wait, I do experience anxiety about these. I've even had a cashier ask me if I got in a car accident. I purchased a pretty great silicone topical filler that hides the recessed scars. Ideally it'd be nice to not feel so badly about it, but practically speaking, I know I'm not gonna be cured overnight, so for these scars, for the moment, I am willing to simply do what I can to quell the anxiety. My immune system probably doesn't need to additional stress right now.
And yeah, I've heard people say shit like, "scars add character," & I wholeheartedly agree (I actually think the giant surgical scar on my foot looks badass, haha)-- however objectively speaking, noticeable facial scars would significantly limit me in the field I'm pursuing, as far as life aspirations go. And I don't care to buy tedious topical coverups forever. F that.
One good thing that came out of this was not being able to wear much makeup (bandages wouldn't stick, plus I was just.. too fucking tired to bother). I became accustomed to seeing myself without it, in bright medical exam rooms. I still don't like what I see, but I feel more "okay." I never caked on makeup in huge amounts, because I hated the feel of it [plus worried about acne]- but even so, I use even less now, & if I have to run on an errand, I don't have that same strong compulsion to apply it before going out. Some additional, forced "exposure therapy," in a way. As much as I wish I didn't have to experience this, I'm grateful I could grow- even a little- from it.
Ironic that someone who hates to be looked at has a passion for musical theatre, but I'm not present the same way, there. The world dissolves. Those parts of myself are left at the door. I think trying to get involved in film production will have more challenges. I don't like to see/watch myself, I guess that's the issue. With stage you just perform, and that infinite now is all there is. Curtain call. But, I'll cross that bridge when I get there. When. Not if. Attempting to envision a life where I allow that fear to steal my dream is more painful than the fight I'll have to face pursuing that love, that's for sure. I try to be patient and not beat myself up for having this problem. Remind myself how much I want to live, truly live my life to the fullest, and to know that freedom. That renovation tends to be quite prolonged, and messy. I just keep reaching, I guess. Hope. Tell myself: I am more than this.
Yes, I struggle with body image issues. I find it difficult to attain my ideal body because I have a gagging problem that makes me throw up when exercising, and I also have hypoglycemia which makes me eat more. The sad thing is that I once did have my ideal body and I have a very ideal body for bodybuilding. I have a broad chest, nice legs, broad shoulders, and I'm a good height. In my prime I had a physique like Christian Bale playing "Bruce Wayne". I just have to figure out how to get that back.
Yes, I struggle with body image issues. I find it difficult to attain my ideal body because I have a gagging problem that makes me throw up when exercising, and I also have hypoglycemia which makes me eat more. The sad thing is that I once did have my ideal body and I have a very ideal body for bodybuilding. I have a broad chest, nice legs, broad shoulders, and I'm a good height. In my prime I had a physique like Christian Bale playing "Bruce Wayne". I just have to figure out how to get that back.
I wouldn't say I've ever 'struggled' with it per se, but I have never really been happy with my body. I'm disproportionate. I have a big head, a thick neck and a barrel chest, but slender arms & wrists (& ankles). I hate shopping for clothing, nothing ever fits well. I never feel like I really "look good", just make do the best I can. That's a little discouraging.
And then there's the pale skin, which 'they' say looks unhealthy. I don't know how many times I've been told pale skin is 'gross' and people with pale skin "need to go tanning".
Yes, I've struggled with it for a long time. It has compelled me to work on my body in ways (short of cosmetic surgery), but nothing I do seems to much change how I feel in the big picture.
It isn't as bad as it has been. There was a stretch of time several years ago when feelings about my body (and face) made me upset to the point that I wouldn't look in mirrors, didn't like to be seen, and would sometimes just make me stay in bed instead of getting up.
There's a cognitive dissonance in it all. I'm aware I'm being unreasonable. When I often have feelings about my body that would be appropriate only for someone terribly out of shape and rather hideous. If I stop and think objectively, I know that an aggregate opinion of my body would be well over average, and I know I'm in better shape than most men. However, there's this problematic voice in my head, even as I write this now, which tells me none of that's true, and it isn't true when other people tell me. It's not necessarily that they are lying, but there can always be some rationalization.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't have any body image issues. Sometimes I don't care too much about how I look, sometimes I do care how I look.
I'm actually trying to gain more weight and in that process, gain muscle. It's a practice that requires discipline and patience for me (because losing weight is the easy part for me since childhood.)
I'm doing it mostly for health reasons, but the added look is a huge plus.
Yes, I struggle with body image issues. I find it difficult to attain my ideal body because I have a gagging problem that makes me throw up when exercising, and I also have hypoglycemia which makes me eat more. The sad thing is that I once did have my ideal body and I have a very ideal body for bodybuilding. I have a broad chest, nice legs, broad shoulders, and I'm a good height. In my prime I had a physique like Christian Bale playing "Bruce Wayne". I just have to figure out how to get that back.