Growing up, I had always felt like I was seeing the world through a glass case. People didn't know what to do with me or how to react towards me, so they kept me at a safe distance despite my overall friendly and helpful like demeanor. Many people avoided dealing with me altogether, while a few were brave enough to speak up and said that they have never met someone as strange as I am, and that I was "different", a word that slips through their lips like it was an omen that shouldn't be said. Still, I've had some who seemed to appreciate my insights and caring nature, and I took some of the social outcasts in my schools under my wings. In many instances, I wasn't sure how to behave or how to dress or how to socialize in a way that was acceptable to a teenage audience; I was told that I was very intense for someone of my age, much too involved in the private lives of others and always so stuck inside my own head. I couldn't follow the fashion trends too carefully, and seemed somewhat clumsy in missing the key details in looking like the other adolescents. I was too emotionally charged and way too focused on what seemed like nothing to others. For most teenagers, they just wanted to kick back and party away, and although I have been invited to some, I never felt like they wanted me there, unable to relax and shoot the shit like they could. I had zero charisma, to be honest.
For my entire high school career, I was always the one who leaped up and exclaimed, "I told you so!", much to my social group's annoyance and entrancement. I was always able to know what was going to happen next, time traveling from my mind's eye and helping others see how they can get out of certain troubling situations or other individuals. I always found myself in the role of somebody's counselor, aiding them to a solution that they haven't thought of before. I was a late bloomer, I must admit; when twelve year old girls already had their first kiss and a boyfriend to go to school dances with, it took me to almost age seventeen or eighteen until I found myself in a relationship. That relationship wasn't a very happy one, since he would rather flirt and cheat and do drugs rather than call me like he would promise me to. He had some good points, but it just wasn't in the cards. And so the story goes, we broke up, our social group preferred him, the normal one, over me, the strange girl. Shouldn't have hurt me so much at that time, but it did. Academically wise, I was told that I was intelligent and wrote very well, and almost got in trouble with a teacher who thought I was plagarizing for a homework assignment. She realized later that it was all my own words, and she apologized to my father, saying that most sixteen year old girls just don't write the things I do. A little moment of pride here, sorry!
Despite that, I found school to be overly stressful. The environment, the vibe, the overtly desire from the teachers for sensor-like learning such as repeated memorizations, just about shot my nerves and I would shut down. I think I suffered from maladaptive daydreaming from the abuse I've suffered as well as from the strict school schedule. American academics is just... yes. You know.
What I got the most out of it is that sometimes, it is actually okay to not peak during high school, and that you will find yourself once you grow up a little. I'm still working on myself, but I can safely say that I am in a much better mind frame now than I ever was back then. I'm very happy these days, and, the years of lonliness and crying in my bedroom while other teenagers were having the time of their lives gave me more empathy for people who needed my friendship and guidance later in life. It was a blessing in disguise, especially when the people I knew in high school turned out to not have the sweet life anymore when graduation was over. It seems harsh, and I found all this out recently through Facebook. I do hope they find happiness someday, but I've moved on. I am learning to love myself despite everything that happened.