~ A deep desire, nay, compulsion for control over self, environment and people.
This is definitely a driving factor. Via control, to me, I can gain so much, both good and bad. With control, I can guide the mediums used to go down either path. It is such a simple word, that is so complex and identifies so much for me. I truly cannot say enough about how much this word, ironically, runs my life.
Control over myself.. I do with several things. I regulate what I want.. I save money, and I enjoy budgeting my funds. I meditate, exercise, and eat right.. to give me at least some control over my physical body.
Control over my environment. I meditate, analyze, and learn. I interact with people of all sorts, and get many perspectives. I stay open minded, and educate myself on the things around me to be better prepared.
Control over others... This one I have no at all mastered.. but I do acknowledge that I can manipulate things to my favor at times. Generally, if they are a stranger, I care not for them. If they are people in my life I care for.. I generally want what is best for them.. so I suppose I have control over others in the sense that I try my best to ensure that myself, their environment, and themselves are secure and protected.
~ Inability to allow vulnerability.
I had a run in with this last night as a matter of fact.. every so often, I know how much it stings to be vulnerable. I think part of the reason I get so scared of being feminine is that sense of vulnerability that comes with it. If I met a nice guy, and settled down with him, I may yet again learn how to handle this.. On my own, however, it remains the bane of my existence. Any weakness and shortcoming is accented. Telling me what I am not capable of enrages me.. because not only do I have a weakness there, but someone knows about it now. Mainly, I am best at handling it via trust. I put my trust into people.. being optimistic about that trust succeeding and helping me in my favor, and being sure to value theirs in return, is some of the most positive ways I've dealt with this point.
~ A fear of being controlled by others.
Anything. It's scary, all of it. I'm scared of fire and electricity because of how out of control it can become so quickly. Disease, illness.. the scope of it all makes my stomach wretch. The thought of someone toying with me like a puppet, probing me and testing me.. especially when I am an open book and go out of my way to give them forward, and honest ways of learning about me... it's awful in my head. My run in's with authority are split. I can respect a position of authority over me.. but it's come from hard work that I've been able to do that.
If you see any as things that are not appropriate at all times how do you release control to others and stop yourself from recoiling from your own vulnerabilities?
I think forgiveness is a major helper with everything. It's been defined before as "stopping a person and situation from hurting you." TRuly, I feel this is the best definition for it. Forgiving situations makes me feel more in control of my environment and the others interacting in it.
I feel it is appropriate to let go during several things.. once I notice someone is more experienced and wise, I cannot help but trust them. Im not arrogant, so I dont feel like I know more than someone more experienced. Systems, rules and regulations help me respect authority figures even if I dont like them. As long as I know there's a strict set of rules to go by, I can easily feel secure in the system without them bothering me too much. With my own vulernabilities. I challenge them. I snowboard even though I hate the cold, and heights. It's an amazing experience, to be so scared but have so much fun. I run even though I dont like it. I push myself on everything I feel I fall short on. I feel it keeps me sane.