Let's use an example:
Say you have a religious mother but you're an atheist. She expects you to attend church. If you tell you her you don't and that you don't believe in God, you will trigger a crying guilt trip that will last for hours, and the subject will come up again and again. Why not simply avoid the subject then? Or - if you don't avoid it, what is the point of not avoiding it? You'll hurt your mother, why hurt her?
Hi Mac. Interesting thread!
From a 9w? INTP -
Religious feeling or lack thereof was a big challenge in my life, especially after I became very disillusioned with christianity around the age of 11 or 12 after a lot of independent reading (Sagan's Demon-haunted world made a particular impression). But I did not express this change of beliefs to anyone in my life - precisely because I could not tolerate the conflict it would generate. It was easy enough to go to church and tune out. My parents were not the type to ever
ask what I thought, so I was safe as long as I never brought it up. I had a real internal crisis when I was 16 (when Catholics got confirmed in my diocese) because I would be publicly claiming a faith I did not hold. I kept telling myself I would say something, would stand up for what I felt, but ultimately I did not... I passively went along with the ritual and indoctrination. It was painful to me, but I imagined, less painful than upsetting a family I loved.
Now as an older (but still young) adult I harbor a regret that I did not own my feelings, and that I was weak in that way. And I think my childish estimation of the pain and conflict that I avoided was perhaps over-estimated.
The funny thing is, I didn't even learn my lesson. I dated a guy for years who was very religious (he was an INTJ). I saw how happy it made him that I went to church once (to see what his church was like)... and I kept going. For years. Listening to the sermons, giving money because they always pass the damn basket around every time, even trying to convince myself I felt something or believed something...
Later, when that relationship ended I was finally honest enough to admit that I hated going to church and got nothing out of it - and it honestly may have contributed to the failure of the relationship which at that point I felt was constricting.
So I guess in answer to the above, I don't think avoidance was a good thing. These are core beliefs, they are who you are, and by not being authentic you do a disservice to those that know you - real relationships should be built on a real version of you, not the one you have shaped to fit - it's almost condescending to do that. I hope I have learned, but I know I have to really focus on boundaries and expression of my own desires in the future (a key problem being that Fi is my weakest function, which makes me hesitant to insist on anything which is
felt).