I only wanted to revive my own old thread until I'm ready.
9's really pinpoint me because I relate with almost all the enneagram types in some way or another. In my mind is always someone, especially those who I want to merge with. I think that can be why I fall for people so easily, because they're always in my mind. I like to blend in. Hate mentioning problems to my family because sometimes they make me get into really uncomfortable positions and when I do, my inner peace is all in turmoil and it's never how it is in my head.
While people have their own ways of fixating, I simply phase out and sometimes maybe that's why I may be too "cool" about things which can irritate others from my lack of subjectivity in things. Or that I can disclose things to people while unconsciously assuming that my deadened state will be the same to them.
People find me pleasant and non harmful to be around, but yes I will return the age old complaint back: I have to try really hard to be recognized. If my life was full of activity, I don't think I'd be in the problems where I am now. I often stare doing nothing being catatonic and feeling nothing and hours and hours go by. I scare people a lot because I'm so quiet at home. My dad always called me a good boy because I did what I was told to keep the peace, not that I really had a real deep caring or faith to follow the rules. I stayed in my religion for a long time because I didn't want to make my family feel unhappy, I didn't want to cause suffering for those who I grew up around. People seriously thought I could do nothing wrong. A part of the reason why I'm afraid to do a video is because I'm afraid of how they'll see me and the other me in such a strong disconnect. I remember my other memories of being in video chat with some members on this forum that I look and being completely unassuming, aloof, and quite frankly boring.
Another thing too was that when I did complain sometimes, nobody would care to help me about why no one was resolving this issue and it kept being buried and reburied again. (My father likes to keep issues on the down low in the family and has very little patience when confronted with them) so it only kept pushing me back into the "everything's okay and it will work out for itself" thinking and that rarely solves things unless I'm fortunate for third parties to intervene and fix out of luck or good will from them.
My dad tells me contradictory advice all the time and it's sometimes frustrating that I'll do one thing he told me from the past and mock me why I didn't do it the other way around (I think that's how 5 types manipulate sometimes) so then I feel like inaction is just better because either way I'd be screwed, it takes the least energy, the least thinking, and I know I'll be shouted at but at least I didn't put any effort in to get angry about it.
Some examples are:
Be selfish. vs. Be considerate.
Be independent vs. blend in
stop being so negative vs. oh man the world is falling apart
when you're done you can do anything you want vs. you think you can just do anything here?
stop taking everything so seriously vs. lighten up!/you don't care, do you?
I really feel invisible when people talk about how others are so nice in front of my face, because that's all I wanted to be nice and be nobody's problem.