based on my own confusion, i thought it'd be helpful to throw out the wiki definition of coercion. forgive me is it's been cited more appropriately elsewhere (i did read the entire thread but didn't see an actual def)
Coercion (pronounced /koʊˈɜrʒən/ or /koʊˈɜrʃən/) is the practice of compelling a person or forcing them to behave in an involuntary way (whether through action or inaction) by use of threats, intimidation, trickery, or some other form of pressure or force. These are used as leverage, to force the victim to act in the desired way. Coercion may involve the actual infliction of physical pain/injury or psychological harm in order to enhance the credibility of a threat. The threat of further harm may then lead to the cooperation or obedience of the person being coerced.
i have 5 kids ranging in age from 16 years to 11 months. i was raised with an authoritarian mother and a jellyfish (yet very loyal and loving) father, who also were divorced. we lived predominantly with my dad. so, in effect, i experienced both parenting extremes. at my dad's, my older sister, myself, and my father all basically did our own thing. we went to bed when we wanted, i watched what i wanted on tv, i rode my bike where i wanted after school, i ran around with my friends when i got older, we made our own meals, pretty much, eating whatever we wanted, including lots of fast food (mcd and wendy's).
around the age of 12 or 13?, i remember wishing that i had more boundaries and chores, and i actually remember the conversation i had with my mom about going to live with her because i desired more structure so badly. i wanted to do chores. i wanted to have responsibilities. i wanted to be held accountable. and i started staying more with her and i thrived in that. but perhaps that is my personality, being a J and all. but as i got into 17-18 ish, i found my mom to be too controlling and manipulative of my time, mainly because she didn't really evolve her parenting techniques as i grew, or at least this is my perception.
i cannot be happy as a J with enfpfer's way of being with no bedtimes, etc. i just like my house to run smoothly because i don't have energy to waste on kids being cranky and stuff. i sometimes wish i could be more P in this, but i really don't think with 5 kids, you can be very unstructured and still be meeting everyone's physical and emotional needs most effectively. if i didn't have rules i would have this:
kids staying up til midnight regularly
kids waking up at the crack of dawn
kids being consequently cranky to me all day
kids eating toast for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
kids eating all day long (like hobbits pretty much)
kids gaming all day
messy house
kids surfing too much
kids not doing their schooling (and i have decided unschooling is not desirable in most kids, imo)
i have always practiced and advocated attachment and positive parenting. in the early years i was of the mind-set not to say 'no' to my kids. i would re-direct, or model, or distract. i really like how having the mentality of not saying 'no' forces you to be more hands-on as a parent. it is much easier (and lazier) to just say no. i have lapsed back into it over the years because i have gotten a bit lazy in my mothering, probably because i'm so busy with other household chores. once i birthed my first son, i have never wanted to spank.
i see spanking as a knee-jerk, learned response that is an inferior way to teach something to your child. logically, it makes no sense to hit your child, then tell your child not to hit others. there are so many more loving and useful and easier ways to teach something without the use of violence. i used to not do time-outs either, but that changed with my 4th kid. again, i think time-outs are the lazy way out. if i'm in 'good mom' mode i just physically grasp my child and walk him through the motions of what he should be doing and is not doing. hitting or talking back to me always invokes a short time-out.
as a midwife, i've been around the gammot of parenting philosophies. i've come to believe that controlled spanking, as happens in many nice Christian families, produces the nicest, most behaved children. but i usually also see that it comes at a cost to that child's spirit. the child is hesitant in acting, or glances at mom to make sure he/she is allowed to do something before just spontaneously doing what he/she wants. not that that kid will be stifled or unable to be themselves, but the kids i know (and these are our friends) just aren't fully........
confident in themselves, like the kids i know who aren't spanked.
i feel like kids should be respected for the wise young souls that they are, this is a democracy and i'm in charge. you have to earn your privileges by taking on responsibilities. you have to learn how to be kind to others (Fe) even if that is not your natural inclination, because we live in a world of people and must not only be inherently respectful (Fi), but obey some social niceties as well. i find the most pleasant children are the ones who can speak to me on their own level, be who they are, but also respect me as their elder, not equal.