Okay, I'm going to try VERY HARD to avoid sliding into Folk Typology (let's place bets to see if I manage not analyzing my thoughts and feelings by analyzing my actions - DOH!).
What motivates me? Well...let's see. When I get up in the morning, and I don't feel very well (uh, oh, slippery slope of FT sinking in) I think, "Okay, you have to go to work. Stop being a lazy ass. You won't be able to pay your bills. Imagine what your husband would think! You have to be good. Besides, I want respect, and I just can't lie around in bed - that would be irresponsible. Damn, I would love to sleep. But oh well, come on....get....up....now....that's right.....You can do it....Lazybones! Clear your brain! Sit up! Or you'll fall asleep again. That would be bad."
Sometimes, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and be like, "OH MY GOD! I SLEPT IN!!!!!!!! HOLY CRAP.....OH PHEW, it's only 3 a.m. Thank God for that."
Sometimes I will have nightmares that I slept in too late, wake up, and think I actually have. How weird is that?
(Once again, FT, okay, stop that now!)
So, I'm awake. I feel much better. YAY. My thoughts are clearing. Now my thoughts go hoppety-hop-hop-here-hop-there----swim around in that lake, hop over to this lake....And then, I think:
"OKAY. Now, let's go over the schedule of the day, shall we? Okay, first I need to organize this. Then, I need to do that. Next, we have to do that. But first I have to plan that. Now let's brainstorm....Well, A then H then Z then BCDEF then P then Z again then G....Holy shit, how did I get there??? Well, let's see, I have G then it was Z, then P, then FEDCB then Z again, and then....SHIT what was then? Oh, yeah it was....ayyyyyyyyyy...aitch...THEN A. Ahhh, cool I remembered my train of thought backwards. Holy shit what am I thinking now? I was supposed to plan my day!!!! FERK I'll never plan my day if I go on like this, and then my class will be crap, and I'll get fired, and I won't be able to pay my bills, and then I will have to declare bankruptcy and I'll never have a house or kids, and then my husband will divorce me, and I'll have to move back to the States, where I hate it, because the politics is so shitty. Man, I'm so glad I live here....the health care system really sucks in the States, not to mention the economy is going to hell....FERK!!!!!! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE PLANNING MY CLASS DAMN IT!!!!!!! I want this class to be perfect! I want to wow them. Imagine if they clapped afterwards like the other class. That would be SOOO AWESOME. I wonder what they are going to be like today? Will they be good? What if I haven't planned enough. Oh damn it, yes, I think I should plan C then R then S oh, but I also have Z and D..."
*husband comes in and taps me*
*I jump about four feet in the sky*
"Holy SHIT you scared me!!!!!"
"Huh, it's just me...."
"Yeah, but I...oh, never mind."
"Are you okay??? Or do we need to call the doctors?"
"Nah, it's all good."
Go back to thinking:
"Okay, where the hell were we? Oh, yes, planning....BOOM Idea A T R E W Q O S....Damn it, where's a pen and paper when you need one??? Yes, that can lead to this, and this can lead to that, and if that doesn't work, I can always use this!!! Right, and then if that happens, we can do that, and if this happens, we can do that, and...."
"Why are you so serious?"
"Huh?"
"You look grumpy....are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just concentrating."
Go back to thinking:
"Damn, why do I always look grumpy when tired? Do I do that often? What do others think? Am I pissing off my husband? What is he thinking right now? I hope he's okay. And what do my students think? Are my students happy with me? Well, they must be. But then they have been looking a bit tired lately. Is it my fault? Am I boring them? Maybe I should try something new. Yes, that would be good. Something new. But what? Well, I have this, or we could try that. Yes, that would make them happy. But what if it doesn't? Well, then we could do this other thing. But that might not go over well, and that would be really crappy if it didn't. I want to make sure they are really happy. Maybe they would even go to my boss and tell her what a good job I did. I hope so. I hope my job is secure, but it should be. And if it isn't, who gives a crap, because I can just get another job because I'm a damn good teacher. But what if I'm not? What if I'm just fooling myself? What if everyone hates me and I am just too stupid to realize it? Oh, come off it, stop being silly, sure they like you! Would the others freaking clap if they didn't like you? Oh phew, true, only shitty groups don't like me, and that's their freaking loss..."
"Aren't you?"
"Huh?"
"You're working until late tonight, aren't you? What's wrong with you today?"
Go back to thinking:
"Sigh. Here we go again. Grumpy moments 'R' us. Damn it, why can't he leave me alone when I'm thinking in the shower. Idiot. Whenever I WANT to spend time with him, he's on the computer, but when I need to think he's all over that. FERK THAT. Go back to bed. Dumbass. Wait a freaking minute, where the hell was I? DAMN IT I GOT DISTRACTED AGAIN. Okay, wait....it....was....um....ohhhhh right, planning my damn class. Will I EVER get a chance to plan this damn class?"
*door slam*
"Oops, someone's pissed. Ay yi yi, what did I do this time? Is he mad at me? Why is he mad at me? What should I do now? Oh ferk. Okay. Well, um....yeah....I guess I really shouldn't have....but I had to....but....WAIT A DAMN MINUTE, I didn't do anything wrong here, but did I? Am I a bad wife? Should I have paid more attention to him? What if he runs off with Kristin or someone because I don't pay enough attention to him? But surely that isn't the case. No, that wouldn't happen because I just....Wait a minute, why am I being so anal retentive today? Oh, yeah. I'm tired. And grumpy. And want to sleep. And can't concentrate. My crazy class. Guess I'll have to wing it again. ***fuzzy feeling in tummy*** Ferk I hate it when I have to wing it. I like to be prepared. Ironically, some of my best classes are great when I am not prepared, but damn it, it makes me nervous, and I hate that feeling. Maybe I should quit. Then I wouldn't have to do the stupid class. OH SHUT UP you're just saying that because you're nervous. You can't QUIT because you do not feel prepared. Isn't that kind of like throwing the baby out with the bath water?
OKAY FOCUS....DAMN....IT. Do this! NOW! Okay. Deep breath. So let's go over this again, now, shall we?......."
I hope that didn't sound too neurotic. I'll probably delete it afterwards.