I feel like missed out on so many things in life while I lived under the mind control of the cult. I feel like I am stripped of identity. I spent my whole life expecting to never have to grow old, and suddenly knowing I will grow old and die bothers me. I have deep guilt for the pain I caused as a child by spreading hurtful philosophies. I spent my entire life being informed of the pain around me, and being told that by converting others, I could stop that pain. Now, I see the pain and know there is no solution, or at least a practical one. It seems like I spend my life in a manic-depressive series of mood swings, several per day. I have no idea where to go…
Is there any way to regain the childhood I lost?
Hi Qwan,
I know this is really painful.
You sound exactly like I did two years ago.
Like Qlip said, they've been molding you to not be able to live without them, and that's part of why it's painful to break away from them. But you can and will get through this and come out on the other side a happier, more content person. I have talked with many people who have felt similar things as to what you're saying, and they came out on the other side and have found more peace. I'm just telling you this to help you to have hope.
It is ultimately up to you to find your own meaning. This is hard when you've had people forcing you your whole life to not think for yourself. But it's absolutely essential to do.
Here are some things that I've come to understand, and you may end up disagreeing with me in some things, but I hope this helps you in some way:
One thing I'll tell you is that the world is not perfect, not by a long shot. But it still has good in it. People are not as horrible or sad or depraved as the JWs want you to believe. And this is something that took me a while to learn and believe, but it's true--the world doesn't have to be perfect.
I don't believe that there is an ultimate meaning to life or absolute truth. But that doesn't mean that life still can't have meaning
for you. This probably sounds unsatisfactory when you're used to grandiose meaning. But it's all that's really true. I take comfort in doing things and hobbies that make me happy, in having relationships with the people I care about, in learning about knowledge that I never had before, and in trying to make the world a little bit better for the people around me. I'm not happy that I will die, but my goal is to be as happy as I can while I am alive. I believe it was a book by Richard Dawkins where he said that the chances of us even being alive in these particular gene combinations like we are now is so astronomically small. There are so many other possible human gene combinations that will never even be conceived. So I feel very lucky to be here. These are all my meaning.
Here are some practical steps I think will help you:
1) Realize that this is a process that will take years. I believe the average person in your situation takes about 3 years to feel like they have gotten settled into a new identity and their new surroundings. The hurt has accumulated over years, so it makes sense that healing it will also take years.
2) Figure out a process where you evaluate what you believe or don't believe. This will greatly help you in forming a new identity. Different people have different methods of evaluating if something is true or not--try some out and see what works for you. For me personally, I read up on the scientific method, and I believe this is the best way we know of finding what's real. I also studied logical fallacies so that I know when someone has scanty logic. But some people believe that science isn't the best way. Think about all this.
3) Make an outline, so to speak, about different things you need to figure out whether or not you believe in it, and then tackle them one at a time instead of feeling overwhelmed with feeling like you have so many things to figure out. Since you've already determined that you don't believe in the JW doctrine, that's one thing you can cross off the list. Maybe other things on your list could be a) does God exist, b) if so, what kind of God is he/she, c) is the Bible infallible, d) if not, is there a value in it, and so on. It is easier to do one thing at a time, and eventually you will build up a bunch of answers for yourself.
4) Learn, learn, learn. It is hard to figure out what opinions you have about things if you don't have knowledge about them. It seems daunting, but you'll have to relearn a lot of things you thought you already knew. This will take some time. One thing you might do is make another list of things that you want to learn more about, and then go down the list and read a non-fiction book about each of those things. Or if it's more your style, stay on one of those topics and read a bunch of books about it until you feel like you've learned enough to move onto the next item on the list and then repeat. Some things in particular that you may benefit from learning more about are science/evolution, what other religions' real doctrines and practices are, learning the history of human civilizations from a secular historian's point of view, and learning logical fallacies. This will help you to figure out your identity and what you believe in because you will start to form opinions about what you are learning.
5) Find support. Make non-JW friends. If it's possible, see a therapist to talk to face-to-face. Talk online with other ex-JWs or JWs who are coming out of the religion. One website where you can find a lot of people like this is
http://www.jehovahs-witness.net. You could also try
JW Recovery. Everyone on these forums has been through the same thing.