Pencil Fiasco Update: I just took my final for this class so I will never see pencil kid again. I only brought one pencil to class because if I brought two I knew that I would loan him one (and also I didn't want to lie about only having one pencil). He was fine with that. And it was fine. But then... he turned to every other person around me and asked each one individually if they had a pencil. The first three didnt. The fourth one did. I can't help but feel guilty. I'm trying not to. It's not my fault. He should be responsible and bring his own supplies to class. But it's really hard to stop myself from thinking that, if I'd just gave him the pencil one last time, those four other people wouldn't have been bothered by him. I shouldn't have to feel responsible for this. I don't want to. Well, I'm trying not to. It's kind of hard though.
At some point you need to learn that everyone else is selfish and you need to be as well, as disharmonious as that sounds. So, you see needs all around, but it isn't your job to fill them. You don't need to save others from their own incompetence.
I know it sounds tough and it is to me as well, but you need boundaries. You need to love yourself not to be a doormat. Potential co-dependents attracting people with needs. Like magnets.
Fe at its best is far from being anyone's doormat.....
I know other people are selfish, I consider myself selfish too... I wouldn't care at all about the pencil thing if it wasn't my fault for starting it in the first place and thus encouraging and reinforcing the behavior. For the most part I feel unaffected by other people's problems... until I become somehow involved. I guess I have this mindset that if I can prevent the people around me from having problems, that I won't have as many problems.
Considering my temperament and enneagram, trying to make myself more assertive sounds like a completely foreign concept to me that rubs me the wrong way. If I'm going to do that, then it's going to be hard. Really hard. I'm basically going to have to disassemble and rewire myself. And yet my stupid Si that has me stuck in my ways doesnt want to. Logically it all makes sense and my head agrees but my gut is rejecting it. It kind of feels like I'd have to reinvent myself rather than stay true to myself and who I am... which is dumb because the whole problem itself is dumb.
For the record I don't see myself as a complete doormat, I have my limits, and I'm much more assertive and vocal about my opinions around friends and family than strangers. Put pressure on me and I start to cave. Like with the pencil thing, I knew for sure I would cave so I physically did not bring an extra pencil in order to prevent that. This is probably going to sound like the dumbest question in the world but I legitimately don't know how to answer: how do I assert myself without being uncomfortable all the time and always regretting it later, and without caving? And howner far do I have to go? What's a healthy balance?