i've lost all track on passing time. but that's probably just early dementia. /jk/
for me the search is mostly about seeing things as they are.
by things I mean both self and worldview, it's the same, it's the calibration of the same subject.
i don't care about becoming anything by means of "living" aka acting, nor do i focus much on life in relationship.
i am pretty much a determinist.
i feel that i can't allow myself (or my self won't allow me) to act before i have 1) a rather complete vision and 2) a rather complete awareness of how this vision came together in myself ...
I don't necessarily mean to spoil the whole big mystery of how exactly a human being comes into existence (albeit i will have a peek),
it seems that originally I just wanted to rule out public manifestation of shadows/bad karma or just things that are forbidden.
actually stuff that would have bad/scary/threatening consequences in this world.
whatever made me so controlled in terms of perception and experience: getting to know myself by acting out is not in my cards. or not yet.
i would at least need a rough overview over my complete self, before i can allow myself to mate with the external world by being uninhibited.
by rough overview, i mean abroad general abstract understanding of self and world.
some estimation of how bad the marriage will be and how much blood will flow during the first night.
and i have come a far way in achieving that general understanding, so i feel a little closer to making the jump.
yeah, i get the drama of it.
it seems unnecessarily complicated. no one gets how anyone can be so hard on himself. (their choice of words)
but it's not as unusual as it seems.
it's just more obvious in me. and i like that.
it makes me aware of the human/egoic drama.
"the fool who insists on his folly becomes wise."
it works.
other people are inhibited too, but they inhibit and act out in superficial fast paced intervals, so it never becomes obvious how much (depth) the have inhibited/prevented from manifestation. they just have this huge something of a life as a seeming proof of being uninhibited creators. winners.
i have nothing.
just a room. and crazy ideas.
but i just play the same game with a different order and pace.
or so i like to believe.
i take in huge chunks of my self into my virtual reality, years of my self, whole developmental stages of my self, knowing them mostly through mental projection.
then eventually i might act the whole chunks out in one simple but complete move. that's the general plan, anyway.
i have been struggling hard with my destiny, meaning my pace of inhibition and acting out, but i have come to accept it as my natural individuality.
that's what i meant initially by being a determinist. fighting this nature has only slowed the process of seeing myself, of understanding of the vision.
it has absolutely never directly enhanced the vision or caused any meaningful manifestation. my inhibition might be okay, my attempts at inhibiting my inhibition have been much worse for sure.
Self-consciousness has such a bad rap. wikipedia says:
"Unpleasant feelings of self-consciousness are sometimes associated with shyness or paranoia.
According to Schopenhauer, man can, through self-consciousness, make a choice between affirming or denying the will"