Sitting in a cave going batty. Thatís defining how I feel. Itís a long distance relationship and she has kids and a husband (who she talks about divorcing, stating the connection is unreal). It has been seven months and single handedly I have vanquished most of my life in the efforts of her Ė the one and ĎONLYí. I analyze each of those months as the summary of a chapter between her and Iís connection, closer or further split. Right now it follows the latter. In the case that I canít handle this relationship, I feel like itís my turn at 19 to give up sharing my virginity (in any form) and brooding as some Shaman gender figure. Iíve practically been given a free ticket to it in life and all I have to do is abandon my hope when my thoughts and feelings have already betrayed me toward the one goal Iím crusading toward.
My only source of energy now is by pouring it all out to make her happy each day, for what little time we have in one day. I may be the only one in pain and suffering each day I canít, each day that I sit alone waiting for the moment to speak; except when sheís not also suffering itís like me. I donít feel important any more. Itís not a companionship anymore, Iím just a bore.
Iíve offered if itís better that I disappear. She complains about how she canít put quality into her husband (that I didnít think she cared about fulfilling --- no wait, sheís told me that), her kids, or me. So as she canít change any of these, why not offer something? I even wrote her a four page paper after on Thanksgiving about how everything she does includes quality.
Sheís secretive but teasing Ė inconsistent. As for her case, she holds all her values and she has them to speak toward me without caution. Her values are kept secret to everyone else, as do I; but herís arenít even consistent. I know this case is possibly my fault, as I will explain in the next value as her values have become points of perfectionism in trying to forge the notion of Ďusí. One time she said she only wanted to see me, and sheís excitedly giving herself to more and more of her friends. At the initial point where I found it jealous, I was able to bypass friends, as truly they were only breaching the term of acquatinces with me. As for her, sheís freely giving herself to these friends. She once said the first thing she did every morning was check her phone to text me back, but it doesnít even feel like the case anymore. I feel like a broken toy as no matter what I could do, it doesnít work with some form of reality. When I become really serious in trying to share something extremely important about me, she sometimes teases me for it too. My values come slower, but I hold them constant. To me, my values Iím holding for us (that Iíve created) are making me a subjectively pursuiting nihilist. Like Iím going to lose everything in each step, even her, as I canít tell whether sheís really there.
She said I was her one and only! Is this true?
The qualm of Ďusí. This is how we differentiate and converge. In the general concept that she seeís us both as individuals and I see it in the case of us, like a form of merging. Sheís satiated with the mentally creating an image of me and living with it. I need her as a companion to take with me, in person, to travel with my inner worlds. The difficulty with us is that while I wished a boat or party of only two, she bluntly stated the reality wonít work that way.
In the past I used to have this emotional frenzy where I would disappear for a period, hating myself, but bringing her emotionally closer to me during reconnecting; and I saw the flaw in that what I did, stopping.
E-Mail to Phone to Webcam to Person. My least favorite part about this relationship is waiting on that next trend in line to come, because one day I will have nothing life. Someone the world will be desensitized to every sweat emerging from the pours of my body. Between us, itís like she said she could value me for years while Iím at college; but itís bullshit, because eventually these things donít stay interesting. E-Mail didnít work out forever as we couldnít share our tones in the present when life went awry, the phone lacked our facial motions, then webcam is this lie to not touch Ė a world where the other can run away in seconds. So in person, one day will it just be disinteresting? I canít wait to be parasite to a mindless corpse, out of tune with each level of my person. Iím so desperate to meet her in person, and one day, that trend will continue and my body will shrivel away from the two person boat, when one was missing the whole time. The boat rots, andÖ I wonít write some emotionally plunging song.
2 months weíll see one another for the first time. If I leave, Iíll still stay in the city she lives in. And the whole city will contain only one reason to stay there, her.
My home is only with specific people, and Iím going somewhere where Iíll feel left behind.
So here I sit on a Saturday morning, hoping an echo comes to my cave to even say good morning.
(And I hate when being told to be myself, but my Ďselfí is entirely focused on you!)
Thank you for reading: conflict breeds sentences and motivation. My greatest weapon of pity or for some purpose... ::sigh::
Edit: I apologize, but this is my first time revealing my thoughts out to people. I am not sure whether to value putting it up or not.. =/