My INFJ girl has never lost it with me. I have seen her go balistic on her ex-husband over something I thought was kinda minor. Then she let me know why she was upset. It wasn't the minor thing. It was the culmanation of minor things she kept bottled up inside and finally they blew. I notice she does not want to appear negative or the victim so she bottles it up and then bam it comes out all at once.
Ha ha! I identify! One of the biggest problems is if there is repeated conflict without the root of the problem being recognized and resolved!!!!!
Exactly! I think it's the intuition part of an INFJ. We're typically so aware with what makes people tick, and it's so infuriating when others can't get what bothers us because it seems so obvious. No no, it's just something at surface value and that's all they'll accept.
Because of not wanting to be seen as difficult or wimpy, often INFJs don't completely finish expressing all of what has been rankling, which is why the topic gets revisited several days after you thought you got it all worked out with them.
Absolutely! The scary thing though is that in my case I would be capable of doing the revisiting months or even YEARS later. If I part from someone on bad or baddish terms, and never had the opportunity to "clear" all that stuff which had mounted up and resolve it in an at least somewhat amicable way, it can sit around in my system forever. I once had a situation like that where I fell out with a friend and we barely spoke (besides "hi how are you" in a strained way if our paths crossed at uni, etc) for three years. Eventually, a mutual friend fed back to me that he'd said to the mutual friend "whatever I did to upset SilkRoad so much, tell her I'm sorry" (so obviously it was at least slightly on his mind too), and after that I rang him up and we talked...and I aired all the grievances. Not in a "you jerk, you messed me up so much" kind of way, in a polite way, but I have to give him credit for taking it very well and apologising for any hurt he'd caused as I raised one thing after another... We're only really acquaintances now and haven't seen each other for years, but at least it's all amicable. I'm aware that some people would get completely weirded out/repelled if I did that to them though. Fortunately, these situations don't arise in my life too too often...
In discussing this with other people, I also realized that one of the reasons we both get mad at seemingly odd times (as well as appreciative at other seemingly odd times) is the time that INFJs need to process events and feelings which creates a delayed reaction.
It takes time to process events, what was said, conversations and decide how it fits into our world. There may be an initial positive or negative feeling about it, but it takes some days or hours before the INFJ may have comfortably determined why they feel that way and then decided on a course of action to take.
They don't want to be hasty, oversensitive, or misunderstand the situation, particularly if their reaction is going to affect others around them. This can be very difficult for extroverted, take action, decisive T types to understand and to adjust to having things up in the air. It may look like tentative decision making, or arbitrary sensitivity, but it has to do more with wanting all the information to predict foreseeable consequences before taking action.
What's the typical way that INFJs show their anger?
My mom's an INFJ, and I noticed that for weeks she won't get mad at anything--and then she'll just burst one day over something minor. She'll spend around five to seven hours extremely angry; at first not talking to anyone, then yelling about things in the past, and then not talking again. After someone apologizes, she'll just be back to normal again. It's really confusing to me.
Is this typical of an angry INFJ? And what makes them forgive someone?
In my experience, most of the people that behave that way are on drugs... those people being my parents etal. Just have a look for red eyes when they're all calm. I know exactly what you mean by confusing too, I grew up with it and thought that I was the problem the whole time