[INTP] Why do I care about this stupid girl?

[Fluffywolf]

Bah you could say this about any type. I've sometimes thought it would be so nice to not feel so deeply and especially not to be so open about my emotions, like I'm embarrassed of it, but then I think no that's not true because feeling deeply is a huge part of who I am and even what I'm good at.

Sometimes our biggest strength is also our biggest flaw, depending on how it's channeled. Everybody has vulnerable points.

I know, it was just a kneejerk joke because I seem to have a very original voice in the thread. xD

 

[CzeCze]

If you really are INTP and seeing as you are 17 life might be rough for a while...just saying. Hopefully some other INTPs can give you some advice here.

As for this relationship, I think you are wise in wanting to cut ties. I think since your feelings are still involved you should at least take a break. Just tell her you need space from her, tell her why, and tell her if she really values you as a friend she will respect your wishes. You might get a chance to talk some things out, but regardless, you're gonna want to take a break else turn even more bitter and curmudgeonly.

If you are entering a depressive phase, for god's sake start taking steps to pull yourself out of it. If you wallow in your depression and misanthropy the rest of your teens and early 20s are gonna be as ugly as you make them. Nobody else but maybe your close family will know that something is 'wrong', they will just assume you hate people and are extremely introverted, and basically there is no cavalry on the way. You are just digging a hole for yourself that is getting harder and harder to climb out of. Don't do it! Get some sunshine! Start chatting with people online if you hate everyone 'in your real life'. Go outside for walks. Hug your cats. Join a D&D group. Find something you like to do then socialize with other people over it. Only you can prevent forest fires!

I think the reason you fell for this girl so hard is that she was kinda the cavalry. If you opened yourself up more and got out there more, you would meet a lot more people like her and have more relationships to sustain you. And redeem your views on humanity and the world. It's either a positive cycle you start or a negative one, so start the positive one and it becomes a positive self-fulfilling prophecy.

I swear on all things holy, I have kinda been where you've been and once you truly believe that there are people out there for you, it comes true. If you keep telling yourself people suck or no one will understand you or you hate everyone or [fill in negative blank] you will it to happen because you refuse opportunities before they happened.

On that positive note, things can and do get much, much better. Part of it is getting out of a closed environment and entering 'the real world' and discovering yourself and other people.

I'm an ENFP but I had a brutal time in highschool, but I was/am hella freaking extroverted as far as my need for the external world and interaction with people - if I were an introvert, dear god I can only imagine how much harder it would have been. So I feel for ya. For me, I made the mistake of simulating my highschool experience by going to another small, isolated school. Then I learned my mistake and now I head for the high ground (big cities, bright lights, open minds, and non sheep people).

So yeah, learn from this - don't make your life into such extremes because you will end up pinning all your hopes and fears on the first person who slips past your barricades. Open up the gates instead and embrace the world. Or at least a bigger chunk of it than you are now. If you keep on the way you are now, this is just going to happen again, but in between there will be long stretches of self-imposed misery.

Seriously, I have seen/experienced enough INTPs in this negative loop to know what I am talking about. This is all completely preventable.

 

[onemoretime]

Yeah, but, dude, INTP, thinking is what we do. What we love to do. And I sympathize with cascadeco's example, and I applaud her courage to at least try it, and once she realized there wasn't any salvation for her she decided the other option. But emotion wise, INTP and INFJ are two entirely different creatures.

Nah. You're both human.

This isn't about type. In fact, I'd say that learning how to not think so damn much is more important for those of us who have Ti in the dom/aux slots than it is for most other people. It's learning how to think without thinking about it, if you know what I mean. It's learning to trust your judgment, and how to contemplate while maintaining a quiet mind. It's about splitting from the artificial constraints of language that we've had imposed on our thinking, and unconsciously processing the ineffable. It's about learning to integrate one's mental image with one's perceptive image, and recognizing the elegance within that integration, and within the separate images themselves.

The answer isn't looking at what really matters. The answer is in already knowing what really matters.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Nah. You're both human.

This isn't about type. In fact, I'd say that learning how to not think so damn much is more important for those of us who have Ti in the dom/aux slots than it is for most other people. It's learning how to think without thinking about it, if you know what I mean. It's learning to trust your judgment, and how to contemplate while maintaining a quiet mind. It's about splitting from the artificial constraints of language that we've had imposed on our thinking, and unconsciously processing the ineffable. It's about learning to integrate one's mental image with one's perceptive image, and recognizing the elegance within that integration, and within the separate images themselves.

The answer isn't looking at what really matters. The answer is in already knowing what really matters.

Yeah, a 17 year old knows what really matters without looking for it. I'm sorry, but I don't relate to anything in your post. I am a heavy Ti user, no doubt about that, not using my Ti to the best of my ability has caused me to fall into deep depressions when I was younger (or rather unhealthy apathy instead of depressions), alcohol abuse and general rebelry. Coming back to Ti has been the best thing that happened in my life, I feel on top and as long as I do what I do to the best of my ability, I won't regret potential failure. But not doing what I do to the best of my ability and failing is unforgivable.

 

[onemoretime]

Yeah, a 17 year old knows what really matters without looking for it.

At the very least, he can know that he's not going to find it outside of himself. Especially since he's an introvert.

I'm sorry, but I don't relate to anything in your post. I am a heavy Ti user, no doubt about that, not using my Ti to the best of my ability has caused me to fall into deep depressions when I was younger (or rather unhealthy apathy instead of depressions), alcohol abuse and general rebelry. Coming back to Ti has been the best thing that happened in my life, I feel on top and as long as I do what I do to the best of my ability, I won't regret potential failure. But not doing what I do to the best of my ability and failing is unforgivable.

Well, first of all, you don't "use" functions, remember? You merely favor them. It wasn't going away from Ti that made you depressed - it was being depressed that pulled you away from your dominant preference. Point of least resistance and whatnot. I'd even argue that what we often call "thinking" isn't actually Thinking at all. It's instead the ego splitting against itself, and trying to come up with a means of objectifying the self, in order to protect itself.

 

[Kirby]

Wow, I had to work yesterday so I couldn't reply at all. You guys made a lot of helpful and insightful comments. I really am glad that I decided to post. Thank you everyone for your feedback!

I don't remember everyone's advice so I guess I'll just say what I'm thinking after reading it all...

I think she was using me as an emotional shoulder to lean on when she was having a fight with her boyfriend. Whoever said she was a total emotional leech is right. I often played with that thought around her.

About the Calvary thing - You're right I do associate her with getting me out of the depression. I even told her that she helped me out of it and I was really grateful for that. And I subconsciously am trying to get that same rush of serotonin by hanging out with her more. Although now that I mean feeling much better these days, and I feel like I don't need her as much. The feelings of lust/romantic attraction were probably a bit mixed with that, but not totally because I did like her before all this crap.

I'm going to cut ties with her... It does seem like the best option for me... The friendships she has had with people don't seem equal at all to me.. She is too self-absorbed to listen to other people's problems for the sake of helping them out. I don't want to be around someone like that. Being acquaintances with her might be okay. She just won't be a good friend to me even though I can be a good friend to her. So why should I invest so much mental/emotional energy to her when she can't do the same for me?

It also probably helps to mention, that I will be leaving the city in September to study as an undergraduate in Montreal. A little bit of me wants to be friends with her for the rest of the summer, and enjoy her company before I absolutely cannot anymore. But I think the feelings will be too hard to ignore. I've decided to just slowly fade contact with her, and if she wonders why I will tell her that I need some space for myself.

I think way toooooo much. It's like my brain is constantly running all the time, and a lot of those thoughts are associated with her, I need to meet some new people. But it's hard to befriend random strangers >.> I need to learn to quiet my mind. Someone was talking about that in this thread. I need to know HOW.

If you really are INTP and seeing as you are 17 life might be rough for a while...just saying. Hopefully some other INTPs can give you some advice here.

As for this relationship, I think you are wise in wanting to cut ties. I think since your feelings are still involved you should at least take a break. Just tell her you need space from her, tell her why, and tell her if she really values you as a friend she will respect your wishes. You might get a chance to talk some things out, but regardless, you're gonna want to take a break else turn even more bitter and curmudgeonly.

If you are entering a depressive phase, for god's sake start taking steps to pull yourself out of it. If you wallow in your depression and misanthropy the rest of your teens and early 20s are gonna be as ugly as you make them. Nobody else but maybe your close family will know that something is 'wrong', they will just assume you hate people and are extremely introverted, and basically there is no cavalry on the way. You are just digging a hole for yourself that is getting harder and harder to climb out of. Don't do it! Get some sunshine! Start chatting with people online if you hate everyone 'in your real life'. Go outside for walks. Hug your cats. Join a D&D group. Find something you like to do then socialize with other people over it. Only you can prevent forest fires!

I think the reason you fell for this girl so hard is that she was kinda the cavalry. If you opened yourself up more and got out there more, you would meet a lot more people like her and have more relationships to sustain you. And redeem your views on humanity and the world. It's either a positive cycle you start or a negative one, so start the positive one and it becomes a positive self-fulfilling prophecy.

I swear on all things holy, I have kinda been where you've been and once you truly believe that there are people out there for you, it comes true. If you keep telling yourself people suck or no one will understand you or you hate everyone or [fill in negative blank] you will it to happen because you refuse opportunities before they happened.

On that positive note, things can and do get much, much better. Part of it is getting out of a closed environment and entering 'the real world' and discovering yourself and other people.

I'm an ENFP but I had a brutal time in highschool, but I was/am hella freaking extroverted as far as my need for the external world and interaction with people - if I were an introvert, dear god I can only imagine how much harder it would have been. So I feel for ya. For me, I made the mistake of simulating my highschool experience by going to another small, isolated school. Then I learned my mistake and now I head for the high ground (big cities, bright lights, open minds, and non sheep people).

So yeah, learn from this - don't make your life into such extremes because you will end up pinning all your hopes and fears on the first person who slips past your barricades. Open up the gates instead and embrace the world. Or at least a bigger chunk of it than you are now. If you keep on the way you are now, this is just going to happen again, but in between there will be long stretches of self-imposed misery.

Seriously, I have seen/experienced enough INTPs in this negative loop to know what I am talking about. This is all completely preventable.

Thank you for this post. It made me feel a lot better =)

The problem is I don't meet ENOUGH people. And when I do meet them, the contact is usually superficial and boring things, and I cannot pretend to be interested in those things ALL the time. I mean, I can put on a smile and nod and reply when I'm feel like I have the energy. But a lot of the time people say that it seems like I just "don't give a shit", or that I "don't care about anything" when I'm around them and they've known me for awhile. But I will try to go out and socialize. And find a hobby --- I need a god damn hobby. Those two things seems like the only things I need right now.

 

[Kirby]

OP: Have you considered that you might be attached to the habit of thinking about and being with her because it helped you when you were depressed? Thinking about her a lot stopped you from feeling down. It's as though you've conditioned yourself to have a lot of positive associations with regard to her. In any case, it sounds like the friendship has outlived it's usefulness. I'd just find other interesting people to hang out with and stop thinking about her. That will break the mental habit.

Yes. Right on. I think.