proteanmix
Plumage and Moult
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2007
- Messages
- 5,514
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- 1w2
Back in the hospital again. It's so funny how you just get used to things. We got a lot of information today, a lot of hard decisions to make.
I'm just writing this to get my thoughts in order, sometimes seeing something in writing helps. I'm not going to lie, I haven't much blogged about my ordeal because I don't want someone coming in here sending me a bunch of
. I don't want to be one of those on the forum, boohooing about how much their life sucks. Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes you've got a rough patch to weather and it's nobody's fault, it's just what happened. Yes, it may feel like fate is conspiring against you and yours but sitting in a hospital full of sick and dying people, or being at a nursing home with people dying is all the factual evidence you need, no it's not just you. The universe isn't fucking with you and if it is it's fucking with us all. But, you can tell the people whose fuckery has been negligible. You can tell by the way the talk and what things send them into a tailspin.
People respond to stressful situations in strange ways, sometimes productive and sometimes destructive. There are better and worse ways to respond, no doubt. I'm learning it may not be the person, but the situation they're reacting to. When the person is out of the situation their destructive responses stop. But I also wonder if, like a new island being created in the middle of the ocean, if the magnitude of the situation creates a new person with the old never to return. It's quite possible, and maybe even highly likely, that things will never be the same again.
I've got a wonderful support network around me through family and friends. That's part of the reason why I haven't blogged about this much because I do have people to talk to and I feel like it's...I guess the closet word I can think of is indulgent, indulgent in the sense that I've already had cupcakes and ice cream and now I want a tiramisu of sympathy.
And what I'm finding now is I don't want any more sympathy except than where it counts (more on that later) but more flexibility, understanding and active problem solving. I don't need anyone else telling me I'm sorry (because I am too and I'd be deeply sorry if it were you as well), I don't want anyone asking me how I'm doing (how do you expect me to be doing), how's your mother (I don't want to talk about it, I live with it everyday and if I want to talk about it I've got a big enough mouth and enough ego to start talking about it) or any other of the things people, very good naturedly--yes I understand that as well--say.
What I do want is someone to help me make informed decisions and how to navigate through end of life care. I want someone to be able to guide me through organizing all these details and bits of information into some coherent manner and put me in touch with people that can help my family put our shit in order. Because yes, I could sit and cry in my applesauce and break down (that is going to happen, is happening, it's the sound of inevitably roaring in my ears) but for right now I can keep it together. Out of my immediate family members we've reacted in different ways. My father has checked out. My sister blazes up every other day. My brother detaches and I've attached like a tesla magnet.
There is no curing the cancer, the only thing now is to ease symptoms and slow growth. She has renal failure. The doctors think she may have vascular dementia. She's been losing weight again and her diet is highly restricted due to the kidney disease. She begins palliative chemo next week.
Is it more important to let her eat what she wants to keep her body strong enough to endure chemo or continue on the present diet?
Too much phosphorous and potassium will create heart issues in a person with kidney failure. We don't want a new problem to crop up with her heart because we're not controlling her diet but nor do we want to limit her food selection when getting strength from a well-rounded diet for chemo is just as important.
And once the doctor explained palliative chemo to us, that the chemo may be more toxic than beneficial, that cancer may not respond, that it may also continue to grow, and that if there is a benefit it typically is one of a few months is it still worth it? Should she just be comfortable? She said today she still wants to live. Since it's strongly like she's suffering from vascular dementia, her cognitive abilities are impaired. When the doctor asked her does she know why she's in the hospital she responded that all she knows is that she has breast cancer and kidney failure. Thank God, she's not showing signs of depressions. When we ask her about her mental state or we try to gauge how she's feeling internally
My mother is such a strong woman...in January they told us she would even finish the month. Six years ago they said she wouldn't see the next New Year's Day, but she's seen several.
I'll finish the rest in Part 2.
I'm just writing this to get my thoughts in order, sometimes seeing something in writing helps. I'm not going to lie, I haven't much blogged about my ordeal because I don't want someone coming in here sending me a bunch of
. I don't want to be one of those on the forum, boohooing about how much their life sucks. Sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes you've got a rough patch to weather and it's nobody's fault, it's just what happened. Yes, it may feel like fate is conspiring against you and yours but sitting in a hospital full of sick and dying people, or being at a nursing home with people dying is all the factual evidence you need, no it's not just you. The universe isn't fucking with you and if it is it's fucking with us all. But, you can tell the people whose fuckery has been negligible. You can tell by the way the talk and what things send them into a tailspin. People respond to stressful situations in strange ways, sometimes productive and sometimes destructive. There are better and worse ways to respond, no doubt. I'm learning it may not be the person, but the situation they're reacting to. When the person is out of the situation their destructive responses stop. But I also wonder if, like a new island being created in the middle of the ocean, if the magnitude of the situation creates a new person with the old never to return. It's quite possible, and maybe even highly likely, that things will never be the same again.
I've got a wonderful support network around me through family and friends. That's part of the reason why I haven't blogged about this much because I do have people to talk to and I feel like it's...I guess the closet word I can think of is indulgent, indulgent in the sense that I've already had cupcakes and ice cream and now I want a tiramisu of sympathy.
And what I'm finding now is I don't want any more sympathy except than where it counts (more on that later) but more flexibility, understanding and active problem solving. I don't need anyone else telling me I'm sorry (because I am too and I'd be deeply sorry if it were you as well), I don't want anyone asking me how I'm doing (how do you expect me to be doing), how's your mother (I don't want to talk about it, I live with it everyday and if I want to talk about it I've got a big enough mouth and enough ego to start talking about it) or any other of the things people, very good naturedly--yes I understand that as well--say.
What I do want is someone to help me make informed decisions and how to navigate through end of life care. I want someone to be able to guide me through organizing all these details and bits of information into some coherent manner and put me in touch with people that can help my family put our shit in order. Because yes, I could sit and cry in my applesauce and break down (that is going to happen, is happening, it's the sound of inevitably roaring in my ears) but for right now I can keep it together. Out of my immediate family members we've reacted in different ways. My father has checked out. My sister blazes up every other day. My brother detaches and I've attached like a tesla magnet.
There is no curing the cancer, the only thing now is to ease symptoms and slow growth. She has renal failure. The doctors think she may have vascular dementia. She's been losing weight again and her diet is highly restricted due to the kidney disease. She begins palliative chemo next week.
Is it more important to let her eat what she wants to keep her body strong enough to endure chemo or continue on the present diet?
Too much phosphorous and potassium will create heart issues in a person with kidney failure. We don't want a new problem to crop up with her heart because we're not controlling her diet but nor do we want to limit her food selection when getting strength from a well-rounded diet for chemo is just as important.
And once the doctor explained palliative chemo to us, that the chemo may be more toxic than beneficial, that cancer may not respond, that it may also continue to grow, and that if there is a benefit it typically is one of a few months is it still worth it? Should she just be comfortable? She said today she still wants to live. Since it's strongly like she's suffering from vascular dementia, her cognitive abilities are impaired. When the doctor asked her does she know why she's in the hospital she responded that all she knows is that she has breast cancer and kidney failure. Thank God, she's not showing signs of depressions. When we ask her about her mental state or we try to gauge how she's feeling internally
My mother is such a strong woman...in January they told us she would even finish the month. Six years ago they said she wouldn't see the next New Year's Day, but she's seen several.
I'll finish the rest in Part 2.
