The Inner Workings of the INTJ Mind

[INTJMom]

The mind of an INTJ is an interesting thing. My son said something to me a couple of weeks ago that I tried not to let hurt my feelings, but the next day when I thought about it, I cried, so I knew that it was more serious than I thought at first. So I talked it over with a friend, cried about it some more and I thought I forgave my son... and maybe I did, so I thought I was over it.

What he said was something cutting and disrespectful... something like my husband used to say... that used to always make me feel diminished as a person.

So then something strange happened. I went about 2 weeks without crying my husband being dead. I mean, I've gone a couple of days without crying... but 2 weeks?!

And then last Friday night, I started experiencing paranoid irrational thoughts. The first one was about getting hit by a car and dying. Saturday, an even more frightening thought popped into my head all of a sudden. And even though I tried to tell myself it wasn't true, it felt so real and it was so frightening! Well, Sunday at church I asked people to pray for me because I didn't know the cause of the thoughts. I didn't have any more paranoid thoughts, but by Tuesday, I was beginning to wish I had someone to talk to because I was spending more time thinking about the bad parts of my relationship with my husband.

Finally, Wednesday morning, I thought of the perfect friend to talk to because he knew me in the days when my husband was really difficult to live with. I used to tell him the things my husband would say to me, and how much he hurt my feelings. So Wednesday we got together. My friend let me talk and I just kind of rambled on about what my son had said until I finally got to the crux of it.

See, the thing is that my husband was a really great guy and all, but I am never going to miss the way he used to criticize me and cut me with his sarcastic, disrespectful words. And I am thankful that I don't have to endure that anymore. But when my son said what he did... basically mimicking his father, and picking up where he left off... all of a sudden I realized I wasn't safe after all! I had thought I was now safe in my own home... and I was... until my son said what he did... but I wasn't feeling safe anymore, and I was holding in my fear and my feelings until I started having the irrational paranoia.

Thankfully, I'm not required to be my son's victim. I had a talk with him the next day, telling him how I felt about what he said and how my husband used to treat me, etc. I was really proud of him for being a good listener. He apologized. Hopefully, he will be able to be respectful to me when he talks to me from now on. I don't deserve the criticism. I know I'm not perfect, but I don't deserve to be disrespected especially because I always treat my kids with respect.

Anyhow, I just thought it was really strange how holding in my feelings and feeling unsafe could manifest in paranoia.

 

[speculative]

By talking to your son about this, you respect not only yourself but also your son. When we can recognize the effects of our actions within a safe space and work on changing them with someone we know/trust, that creates a good environment for learning and growing.

 

[INTJMom]

Thank you for the encouragement. Always nice to know I'm doing the right thing.

 

[The_Liquid_Laser]

It sounds to me like you are healing through a lot of the emotional pain and becoming stronger.

 

[nosheen]

yes v all behave rudely with ppl at times and think that v r rite and the other person is always wrong.Ur son mite not have have thot about it and realised later that he was treating u badly.U did the rite thing in overcoming ur fears

 

[INTJMom]

Thanks...

The irrational thoughts haven't come back, so I guess that's what was causing them. Glad I got that taken care of. I'm thankful for God leading me to the truth, so I could be healed, and then providing the time for me to be alone with my son and have a heart to heart discussion with him... since he's not available very often.

 

[Windigo]

This is interesting. I guess because my husband was married before to a very irrational person he has learned to stuff a lot of what he is thinking.

This gets hard for me because I KNOW he is upset/angry and he doesn't want to talk to me about it. So I feel as though something is wrong, but he doesn't care enough to work it through with me.

A few times I've pushed him . . . only to have him completely explode and say horribly devastating things. The last time . . . he told me that he works so much because he doesn't feel like the house is his home and he'd rather spend his time in the lab than here at home with his family. Then he stomped out the door and disappeared for 4 hours.

ISTPs seem to operate SOLELY in the here and now! Their feelings are very strong (albeit usually very private) and right at that moment he wanted a divorce (I could feel it--he later admitted he was entertaining those thoughts). But once he got away and calmed himself down he began reviewing the reasons we were together in the first place and he recommitted and came home and worked things out.

I think it hurts so bad because they are so accepting of other people's short comings so you wonder why they are focusing on yours. I've come to realize they are accepting because they believe in autonomy and what others do really doesn't affect them.

But you are an extension of them and when you are causing them pain (which they have a low tolerance for) they try to solve it in the most efficient way possible. So they cut you.

I think INTJs are constantly pushing for growth and re-evaluating themselves (and everything else) based on new data. And when we care, we take it personally when there's a flaw in the system and we try to fix it.

But ISTPs aren't trying to fix anything when they get to this point . . . they are simply frustrated and throwing their tools across the garage! LOL

So the fact that he stayed with you for so long even through times that made him angry, uncomfortable, etc. means that he really thought you were one amazing lady and he felt damn lucky to be with you. He was loyal because he looked around--he was sensory after all ; )-- and realized he had everything a man could ask for in you!

All those critical remarks were nothing more than scribbled starts on the paper of communication which he mentally crumpled up and threw away as soon as it was over!

 

[INTJMom]

Thanks for your encouragement Windigo. He did used to say that he was a blessed man to have me for his wife. And I used to tell him that I was blessed, too.

My husband made me make a promise to him, early in our marriage, that I would never use the word "divorce" when we were fighting. He had been divorced before and it was an extremely painful experience that he didn't want to go through again. I think that is a good rule for any marriage. It is so easy to throw that word around. We both decided divorce wasn't an option. I'm sure that's what ultimately kept us together, because we had a string of about 10 years that were absolutely miserable for me. He was going through a mid-life crisis and I was severely depressed. The more he yelled and criticized, the more depressed I got.

I wish I had known he was throwing away the paper as soon as it was over, because all I did was wallow in the muck and mire of his disappointment in me and my failure to please him or prevent him from criticizing me.

About 3 years before he died, things improved. We should have gotten help sooner.

And then on February 8th, 2 1/2 months before he died, it was like God flipped a light switch, and the wonderful, sweet, gentle guy I married came back. And now, the memories of those last two and a half months are a precious gift from God that I will always cherish... since I'm not sure I would have remembered what he was like... because it had been so long. I only wish it would have happened sooner and lasted longer. But... it is what it is. I'm grateful.

 

[Windigo]

I'm so happy you had those months. God is amazing. He always prepares us for what is to come. He helped me through my mom's death in the most tangible amazing way it almost sounds crazy to speak of it. I believe God has brought us together in this forum to help encourage each other.

 

[INTJMom]

Thanks Windigo... that could be... I have been praying for a friend.

 

[Labyrinth]

This was interesting, I am still confused about the title. And yes I understand INTJs are different, I just wonder... as an INTJ to another INTJ, do you not have a quick respond, away from feelings when someone is literally abusing you? I mean, I read and re read your blog and I kept telling myself, is this how other INTJ women respond? I am glad that things worked out, I am just still confused about it. I just had to post this...

 

[INTJMom]

re: the title... the title was the POINT of my post, i.e. "Anyhow, I just thought it was really strange how holding in my feelings and feeling unsafe could manifest in paranoia."

Not ALL types become paranoid when stressed, but INTJs and INFJs have that tendency... according to Naomi Quenk. And since I have witnessed the truth of her writings in my own life, I don't question the correctness of it.

"do you not have a quick respond, away from feelings when someone is literally abusing you?" I'm not sure I understand your question... It sounds to me like you are asking me why I don't say something immediately in response to when someone says something abusive... a response that is logic based, rather than feeling based.

My response wasn't really the point of my post. My post was about my surprise at the result of holding in my feelings.

But the fact is I NEVER have a quick response for when someone is abusive to me - or any other time really. My mother was verbally abusive to me and I wasn't allowed to talk back so I presume it is partially a learned response, but additionally, I'm just not the type that has quick comeback remarks for people. I'm not sure which types are the best at that, but I'm sure I'm not.

Historically, when someone hurt my feelings I used to analyze it for weeks and weeks trying to see how I could have avoided being hurt and how to avoid it in the future. I used to agonize over whether I was even justified to HAVE hurt feelings... but then of course it could take hours or even days to realize my feelings were hurt, since I perpetually live OUT-OF-TOUCH with my feelings.

I would not assume all INTJ women are like me.

Thanks for writing.

Welcome to the forum.