Coeur
New member
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2009
- Messages
- 237
- MBTI Type
- INFP
- Enneagram
- 4w5
Psalm 89:2
"Your unfailing love will last forever.
Your faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens."
This verse brought to my attention something that I need: stability. I view my relationships with people as so unstable. I assume that they will love me today and hate me tomorrow. If I make a mistake or show a character flaw, they will leave me. I cannot be anything but perfect, or I'm going to lose everything. I cannot be at ease in the relationship, or I will become careless and ruin it for myself. I am cautious to speak, because I might put my foot in my mouth. I strive for perfection because I think it is necessary.
I have a problem with the way I view myself. I feel so confident until I make a mistake. Then, I swiftly switch from loving myself to hating everything about myself. I do not let myself off the hook easily. God forgives me instantaneously, but it takes me a lot longer to forgive myself. I feel like I have moral OCD. I am never perfect and never have been, but I do everything the best that I can. And when I fail, I feel so much tension inside. When I percieve a possible mistake, even if it is as simple as texting someone at the wrong time, I beat myself up about having poor judgement, about being inconsiderate, about being irritating, about being selfish of their time. Mainly, I worry because I think that simple text message will give them 100 reasons to be frustrated with me.
Sometimes, I don't try anymore. I would rather not make any attempt at all, than to try and fail. I try so hard to avoid more reasons to hate myself, to give people more reasons to hate me. It takes a slight frown to shove me back into the shell that I've created for myself. It seems like everytime I step out of myself, there's a sledgehammer waiting to hit me back inside.
I appologize to God and my friends all the time for not being perfect. It's like I'm looking for reasons to appologize, as if this somehow justifies my humanity. It's hard to be me. I'm like a swan: graceful on the surface, but paddling furiously underneath.
Whilst navigating my heart, I come across so much brokenness. I cannot see where it starts or ends. It's like I have a thousand shattered pieces that I swept under a rug. I hadn't even realized that I had been hiding anything away. I think that I underestimate how sensitive I am. Maybe I overestimate how sensitive others are.
God is always stable. God is always there. However, I still seek stability in my relationships. Since people are not consistant, my stability system is not consistant, and I feel my heart sliding like sand on a sea intermingled with broken glass. Sometimes, I just wish for SOMETHING to hold on to. I don't want to turn to God merely because he is all I have left.
I don't know what needs to be done. Perhaps I need consistant friends that can help bandage the bleeding gaps in my heart. I do have many people that I can consistantly depend on, but I still worry so much. People die. People move. People fail. I cannot depend fully on anyone. Even if I do consistantly depend on them, I expect their support to fall through without warning.
I don't know how I will be fixed. Perhaps I need to get deep into the root of the issue. Perhaps I need a change of perspective. My Ne will provide plenty of options. I just want to grow a spine, be confident, and stop plaguing myself with discouraging hypotheticals.
"Your unfailing love will last forever.
Your faithfulness is as enduring as the heavens."
This verse brought to my attention something that I need: stability. I view my relationships with people as so unstable. I assume that they will love me today and hate me tomorrow. If I make a mistake or show a character flaw, they will leave me. I cannot be anything but perfect, or I'm going to lose everything. I cannot be at ease in the relationship, or I will become careless and ruin it for myself. I am cautious to speak, because I might put my foot in my mouth. I strive for perfection because I think it is necessary.
I have a problem with the way I view myself. I feel so confident until I make a mistake. Then, I swiftly switch from loving myself to hating everything about myself. I do not let myself off the hook easily. God forgives me instantaneously, but it takes me a lot longer to forgive myself. I feel like I have moral OCD. I am never perfect and never have been, but I do everything the best that I can. And when I fail, I feel so much tension inside. When I percieve a possible mistake, even if it is as simple as texting someone at the wrong time, I beat myself up about having poor judgement, about being inconsiderate, about being irritating, about being selfish of their time. Mainly, I worry because I think that simple text message will give them 100 reasons to be frustrated with me.
Sometimes, I don't try anymore. I would rather not make any attempt at all, than to try and fail. I try so hard to avoid more reasons to hate myself, to give people more reasons to hate me. It takes a slight frown to shove me back into the shell that I've created for myself. It seems like everytime I step out of myself, there's a sledgehammer waiting to hit me back inside.
I appologize to God and my friends all the time for not being perfect. It's like I'm looking for reasons to appologize, as if this somehow justifies my humanity. It's hard to be me. I'm like a swan: graceful on the surface, but paddling furiously underneath.
Whilst navigating my heart, I come across so much brokenness. I cannot see where it starts or ends. It's like I have a thousand shattered pieces that I swept under a rug. I hadn't even realized that I had been hiding anything away. I think that I underestimate how sensitive I am. Maybe I overestimate how sensitive others are.
God is always stable. God is always there. However, I still seek stability in my relationships. Since people are not consistant, my stability system is not consistant, and I feel my heart sliding like sand on a sea intermingled with broken glass. Sometimes, I just wish for SOMETHING to hold on to. I don't want to turn to God merely because he is all I have left.
I don't know what needs to be done. Perhaps I need consistant friends that can help bandage the bleeding gaps in my heart. I do have many people that I can consistantly depend on, but I still worry so much. People die. People move. People fail. I cannot depend fully on anyone. Even if I do consistantly depend on them, I expect their support to fall through without warning.
I don't know how I will be fixed. Perhaps I need to get deep into the root of the issue. Perhaps I need a change of perspective. My Ne will provide plenty of options. I just want to grow a spine, be confident, and stop plaguing myself with discouraging hypotheticals.
