[SJ] SJ's and 'The List'

[Saslou]

Do you have a list of requirements in your head as to what your ideal partner should be? Have you met someone who has met those requirements?

I have never given it any thought. I just meet and date (bad) men.

It's funny as i was just in the SP forum and someone mentioned a page which i found interesting.

Parts 1-4: Guardians
Guardians tend to take the dating game very seriously. They tend to be looking for a helpmate, someone who will help them in the serious business of life. Sometimes Guardians become so exact in their requirements than no living person could actually possibly live up to their expectations.

Do you have expectations?
Should i seriously consider a list?

I find it hard to contemplate as if i do a list and meet someone who only meets 60% of the requirements, should i then walk away?
I have always believed that all relationships have their moments of hardship. It's down to compromise and communication to work through these problems.

Maybe a list will help me stop meeting assholes who just take the piss.

(Sorry, i did ramble on there)

Thanks.

 

[Recoleta]

Personally, I never wrote out a list of qualities that I would need/want in a boyfriend/mate. However, because I'm a very introspective person and I feel that I know myself very well, I know that there are certain qualities in men that would instantly turn me off to them.

Yes, I am picky. Yes, I take dating very seriously. If I can't see long-term or marriage potential there, then I won't even bother. I can be a guy's friend and get to know him without having the pressure of being in a relationship. I truly don't comprehend how people form relationships with others out of thin air...I can't imagine dating someone I didn't know as a friend first (but that's just me).

I've noticed that my selection process comes down to 2 basic things:
1) Knowing the qualities that I need my partner to have
2) Knowing the kinds of qualities that I can not compromise on (a.k.a. if these qualities are present in my partner they would drive me nuts and/or would make us resentful toward one another).

So for example, qualities that I know I need in a partner are:
-honesty/integrity
-similar belief system (not necessarily perfectly aligned, but we need to see eye-to-eye on important issues)
-someone who is faithful and dependable
-someone who treats me with respect and someone whom I can respect
-is intelligent

Qualities that I know would be a deal breaker:
-Being a complete slob, acting childish, no sense of personal responsibility
-Unable to handle his own finances (irresponsible with $)
-Substance abuse problems / Anger issues / Addictive behavior / Excessive cussing
-Too clingy or possessive of me

So really, all the above are tailored to me and my specific needs -- I think the above is all pretty generalized, but it has certainly been a decent filtering process. Currently, the INTJ I am dating matches all my criteria except for 1 thing...and on that one thing there is a lot of mutual respect between us. Now, has the above process kept me from experiencing some things? -- Yes. It has stopped me from taking risks on people who wouldn't have worked out anyway. Do I lament that? No, not really. I know that I now have a quality guy and it was well worth the wait. The above process likely requires some serious patience, though...I mean, I am 24 and am just now enjoying my first relationship. If I could do it again though, I wouldn't change anything.

 

[EJCC]

^^ An excellent post, and an excellent list. My list has many similar things in it. (I intentionally made mine vaguer, because it was getting in the way before, I think.) Here it is.

My SO must (and I mean MUST) be:
-A nice person overall
-Funny (and must think I'm funny)
-Not too loud to quit listening, and not too quiet to create awkward silences
-My intellectual equal
-The same, politically, as I am (or at least, almost entirely the same)
-Not unattractive
-Responsible/Trustworthy
-Unbiased, in the ways that matter

There may be other things (including all of the deal breakers that recoleta mentioned), but many of them would get in the way, I think.

 

[Recoleta]

I was thinking about this some more...and EJCC, your list totally reminded me that I left sense of humor, attractive (to me), and not too loud off my list. Anyway, like I you said, I could get more detailed, but then it starts getting in the way. Suffice it to say that yes, I have standards that have to be met before I'd give someone a chance.

Also, this whole topic reminded me of the quote "You accept the love you think you deserve," and truly, I find that to be true. I think the expectations you have for your partner stem from your own beliefs about yourself. If you don't love, value, respect, or have confidence in yourself than it is likely you will attract people who don't value you either. It's not a matter of looking down on people or judging them because they have different values than I do, but honestly, I respect myself too much to waste my time with losers or on people I can't see a future with. It's my life, and I have the right to be choosy! Now, like the OP mentioned some people can take it to the extreme and just be needlessly picky -- that is not healthy either.

Being too overbearing and exacting will also drive a partner away, and you can end up in a little narcissistic cocoon. So really, with pretty much all things in life, it is a balance. Know what you need and what you can not accept -- everything else is negotiation and compromise.

 

[Max]

Oh yes, I have a list alright!

1. Must be attractive to me. Yes, attractiveness is the first item on my list. I wouldn't bother with anyone who I didn't find attractive in the first place. And I'm not talking about Angelina Jolie or any other celebrity for that matter, they must be attractive in my mind, regardless of what the rest of the world thinks. I don't care for her appearance in the least bit anyway.

2. Personality. This encompasses a wide range of things, actually, but it's really just a holistically judged thing. Like, if you're crazy or a total ass, the deal's off.

3. Location. They need to live in the same location I desire, meaning, within contiguous America and still hot year round. I'm not willing to move far for it, or to be with someone who has to go home to New York when it isn't winter. Florida all year or forget it. I may consider Alabama or Louisiana or Texas depending on the circumstances though. I know people from Massachusetts and Virginia who did pretty well for the most part on the tests, but their unwillingness to leave their home threw it off.

4. Children. I must never have any children, and they need to either be with me on that or willing to comply with me if they're on the fence. Respect the vasectomy!

5. Diseases. Not too much of an important thing at first, but I'd rather not have sex with or kiss anyone who has diseases or mono that I could contract.

I don't care how disgusting or impossible it might look. If any test isn't passed, the deal's off!

 

[Fidelia]

It's interesting how different we are!

While I think a shopping list of qualities you'd like in a person could get very unwieldy, and as you say, the percentage thing becomes a bit of a quandry, I do recommend that you have some underlying principles as criteria for what you are looking for. That way, as you date someone, the object of dating them (if you are looking for long term) is uncovering enough information to make an informed decision. This could be compared to the difference between randomly buying items of clothing that are on sale, or that you hope to wear someday which don't make cohesive outfits OR going shopping with a plan of what your wardrobe requires to answer your needs and to find pieces that will fit together harmoniously with the other things you have.

Things like attractiveness and sense of humour are not the difficult ones and people rarely get together without at one point at least feeling like they have those things in common. However, the bigger ones tend to get missed.

1) Do they have unresolved baggage from their past?
The evidence that is relsolved would be factors such as the following:

- Comfort level with discussing their family of origin. Ability to see both positive and negative qualities in their parents and in the way they were raised.

- Ability to see the contributing factors in the demise of their other long term relationships and to see both positive and negative qualities in their spouse.

- Ability to commit to people in their lives and work and to keep their word.

- Take responsibility to understand how to and initiate resolving conflict with others in their life rather than running away from the situation.

- Ability to be happy for those that are successful.

- Positive attitude towards people. (People who are chronically negative drive others away in an attempt to stay emotionally safe).

2) What is their character like? (Lots more could be said here for ways to determine character)

3) Do they have confidence? (And is it genuine confidence or the blustery faking it kind?) This is so important as insecurity nearly always comes out in controlling or aggressive behaviour, or else passive, manipulative behaviour. Insecurity touches every area of your life together.

4) How are their communication skills?
You'll hate life together if you can't talk to the other person effectively, be understood when you talk, and resolve conflict well. Lack of communication on one or both people's part is sometimes a contributor to affairs as well, when the person does not know how to deal with the problems in direct way. Therefore they just take the easier route out to supplement their present life or create a new one.

5) Are they committed to the institute of marriage? (Living together can be like a very drawn out audition to be a spouse. If it continues long enough, both parties will inevitably fail and the people will move on). That's not to say that marriage automatically are effective. However, they are more difficult to enter into and do require saying vows in the presence of witnesses.

Other than that, you just have to make sure that you can live with where they are at on the big topics: religion, family, money, sex, children and you should be good to go.

It takes awhile to uncover all of this information which means that time spent dating needs to consist of more than physical intimacy or watching TV together etc. It is best determined be seeing them in action in social settings, projects together with you, and work settings.

I wish that I had better understood some of this in the past. It's not so much a shopping list of the things you'd like, but rather the crucial things that your relationship cannot possibility succeed without.

 

[browneyes94]

Personally, I never wrote out a list of qualities that I would need/want in a boyfriend/mate. However, because I'm a very introspective person and I feel that I know myself very well, I know that there are certain qualities in men that would instantly turn me off to them.

Yes, I am picky. Yes, I take dating very seriously. If I can't see long-term or marriage potential there, then I won't even bother. I can be a guy's friend and get to know him without having the pressure of being in a relationship. I truly don't comprehend how people form relationships with others out of thin air...I can't imagine dating someone I didn't know as a friend first (but that's just me).

I've noticed that my selection process comes down to 2 basic things:
1) Knowing the qualities that I need my partner to have
2) Knowing the kinds of qualities that I can not compromise on (a.k.a. if these qualities are present in my partner they would drive me nuts and/or would make us resentful toward one another).

So for example, qualities that I know I need in a partner are:
-honesty/integrity
-similar belief system (not necessarily perfectly aligned, but we need to see eye-to-eye on important issues)
-someone who is faithful and dependable
-someone who treats me with respect and someone whom I can respect
-is intelligent

Qualities that I know would be a deal breaker:
-Being a complete slob, acting childish, no sense of personal responsibility
-Unable to handle his own finances (irresponsible with $)
-Substance abuse problems / Anger issues / Addictive behavior / Excessive cussing
-Too clingy or possessive of me

So really, all the above are tailored to me and my specific needs -- I think the above is all pretty generalized, but it has certainly been a decent filtering process. Currently, the INTJ I am dating matches all my criteria except for 1 thing...and on that one thing there is a lot of mutual respect between us. Now, has the above process kept me from experiencing some things? -- Yes. It has stopped me from taking risks on people who wouldn't have worked out anyway. Do I lament that? No, not really. I know that I now have a quality guy and it was well worth the wait. The above process likely requires some serious patience, though...I mean, I am 24 and am just now enjoying my first relationship. If I could do it again though, I wouldn't change anything.

I AGREE.

 

[Just another ISTJ]

Do you have a list of requirements in your head as to what your ideal partner should be? Have you met someone who has met those requirements?

Yes and not yet, but I'm working on it.

Do you have expectations?
Should i seriously consider a list?

I find it hard to contemplate as if i do a list and meet someone who only meets 60% of the requirements, should i then walk away?
I have always believed that all relationships have their moments of hardship. It's down to compromise and communication to work through these problems.

Maybe a list will help me stop meeting assholes who just take the piss.

(Sorry, i did ramble on there)

Thanks.

I don't see why one has to settle for anything less than a person that meets their most important criteria. Optimally, they'd be the one and only, right? Note that I didn't say the potential person had to check off every tick box. If anything, so long as they're meeting my most important characteristics, such as being emotionally mature, a good communicator, respectful, and a few others, I'd be happy.

 

[wrldisquiethere]

I was so picky I really didn't think I'd find anyone who fit the bill. But I did.

Come on, make a list! You know you love making lists!

 

[Max]

Do you have expectations?
Should i seriously consider a list?

I find it hard to contemplate as if i do a list and meet someone who only meets 60% of the requirements, should i then walk away?
I have always believed that all relationships have their moments of hardship. It's down to compromise and communication to work through these problems.

The List just came naturally to me. If you seriously don't have a list, I guess it's nothing to worry about, you don't have to feel like you have to make one for the sake of your type.

 

[Lightning_Rider]

I have a list.

A set of validations and conditions that are checked when considering a new person. Kind of like a computer program validating a form on a website...

Of course I would be surprised if someone fit all of the criteria, that would probably be unreasonable to expect that as well but if they hit a good number of them, then I will consider them.

And the list itself is quite detailed. There's lots of detailed items and checks to run in the list. Each item has a weight too, so not all criteria are equally important. Some are deal breakers, some are nice to have, some are important but negotiable... etc...

I think you should have some kind of validation, otherwise you end up getting stuck with slobs etc. But I think it's good to know what you want and what you like but to also realise that you will probably never find anyone who hits all of the targets and instead be content with someone who meets the important stuff and perhaps has a few nice to haves in there as well...

 

[wrldisquiethere]

I'd add that my list wasn't written out, just more of a mental list. And it was categorized by order of importance.

 

[WickedQueen]

You guys had mentioned all my list already. I seconded everyone.

Gosh! I'm such a picky person. No wonder it's hard for me to find a mate. But that's okay. I don't want to waste my time for the wrong person anyway.

 

[WickedQueen]

You guys had mentioned all my list already. I seconded everyone.

Gosh! I'm such a picky person. No wonder it's hard for me to find a mate. But that's okay. I don't want to waste my time for the wrong person anyway.

 

[WickedQueen]

You guys had mentioned all my list already. I seconded everyone.

Gosh! I'm such a picky person. No wonder it's hard for me to find a mate. But that's okay. I don't want to waste my time for the wrong person anyway. And I wouldn't want ANYONE just because I felt lonely. Ewww... That's pathetic.