Rant on friend/request for perspective

[cafe]

So my friend I took to the Obama thing with me . . . We've been friends since fifth grade and I love her like a cousin. She is really a good person and I have a lot of respect for her and what she's been through.

But:
She does not respect my time. Or it feels like she doesn't. I don't think she does it on purpose, but whenever I do anything with her she's so late and she takes so long to do everything from going to the bathroom to browsing at a store. She has to talk to everybody and get in these long (sometimes hours long) conversations with strangers.

I can handle fifteen, even thirty minutes late, but beyond that, I get antsy. Same thing with talking to strangers. A few minutes is okay. Beyond a half hour, it's too much.

Some of these things, I admit, I do myself (working on it). I don't think I do them to the same extent. I can't. I'd never get anything done.

This is why I rarely do things with her. She lives close to an hour away but even that wouldn't be a problem if she would be ready when I went to pick her up and not want to make a half dozen stops.

I mean, I understand why she does it and sometimes I explain why I can't make this or that stop and she's understanding, but it just doesn't work for me because she asks for more stops later. I have too many responsibilities and I'm a low-energy person. It really takes it's toll.

On one hand, that's just how she is and as a friend, I can accept that and only plan on doing things with her a few times a year.

On the other hand, I think this tendency is probably causing problems in other areas of her life including employment and relationships. The only people who have time to be her friend are people with no responsibilities and usually they are leeches that use her.

I'm more comfortable with just doing things a few times a year and dealing with the frustration as part of the package, but do I have a greater responsibility as a friend?

Or do I not address the greater issue and just be more blunt when things come up? I don't think I've actually got it in me to do that.

I want to be a good friend, but I can't sacrifice my other responsibilities to do it. Eeek!

 

[LucrativeSid]

What if you just told her that you were concerned about her? The truth with no accusations. And be a good listener. You should be able to address the issue without making a big deal out of it.

 

[cafe]

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say or what the problem is exactly. How does one go about making those kinds of concerns condensed and coherent so that they can be useful?

 

[Jae Rae]

Hi Cafe,

I have a friend like this; she's very warm and friendly, and just try to stop her from talking to anyone. And try to get her to be on time if she's not paying you, ie, her doctor. A friend who calls her the Human Vortex, offered to help her buy a cell phone and ended up missing his own daughter's music recital.

I've learned to make fewer plans with her and also learned to listen about what else is going on for her that day. She's usually overbooked. She wanted to get together after work last week the same day she returned to her job after several months off. No thanks, honey.

The last time she was on time meeting me was when she was feeling very sheepish about a personal transaction we'd had that went awry. So I know it's possible for her to do it.

A friend who's an art therapist with several appts. a day said she makes a habit of never waiting for anyone more than 10 minutes. After that, she just goes on to the next thing.

Another friend has a colleague who's routinely 30-45 minutes late, and she finally had enough. The next time she was kept waiting, she ate her lunch alone and when her friend showed up, she said she'd set aside an hour to spend with her and it was now up. Then she left.

Your friend is almost certainly aware of the trouble her being late causes her and other people. Taking a lesson from my friend who was on her toes and chose to be on time - if she knows her lateness, flakiness, etc. affects her friendship with you, it might have a positive influence on her behavior.

Good luck with it. We put up with too much when we let our friends get away with this kind of thing without letting them know it bothers us. Your annoyance is a good indication she's going too far. By the way, your last line is a perfect opening.

Jae Rae

 

[cafe]

So I think that maybe I won't offer to pick her up or meet her halfway. Handing her the control of what I do and when I do it is the biggest part of the problem.

If I invite her up for a visit at my house I can just go on about my normal business at home. If she wants to run off and do something or stay over because she's tired it wouldn't be a big deal. I'll just have to make sure I don't have any errands that need running.

If it's an event that starts at a certain time, she can drive herself and I'll just plan on saving her a seat and she can find me. If she doesn't have the gas to come and I can't afford to give her gas money then she just can't come.

If she's up visiting and we're on our way someplace, we can't go into a restaurant, it's going to have to be eating at my house or drive-throughs.

I'm thinking I don't want to shop with her unless it's taking her with me to Sam's. People don't loiter much at Sam's. Or maybe I'll follow her to the store in my van and when I'm ready to go, I'll just briefly interrupt her conversation and tell her I'm out of time and take off.

I also need to make sure she knows that if she can't fit something into her schedule, it's okay for her to tell me no or back out. I would rather she do that than leave me hanging.

If she laments to me about the friends she attracts I need to tell her how I feel when she doesn't respect my time and obligations and how that kind of thing might be impacting her life. Otherwise, I just need to not put myself in a position to be grossly inconvenienced.

This is something I have been guilty of myself, so it's learning experience for me. It's good motivation for change.

 

[proteanmix]

Yikes, I think I'm like your friend!

All it really takes for me is for the person to let me know they're on a schedule. I really enjoy talking to strangers, especially when I'm with friends and I'm feeling like everyone is my friend and I want to include as many people as possible in on that feeling.

Thanks for your perspective. I wonder if any of my friends are silently seething towards me for being so chatty.

ETA: Maybe you can tell your friend about herself? I'm really being on being open and honest with my friends even if what I have to say isn't positive. You could possible tell her that you enjoy spending time with her, not her and everyone else she picks up along the way.

How would I feel if a good friend of mine said that to me? A little hurt and disappointed because I'd feel like it was some indictment against my friendliness. I've had as much said to me by friends (in fact yesterday my friend asked me why do I insist on talking to obviously crazy homeless people and encouraging their insane pratter, IDK...I find it interesting but probably more entertaining than anything else, my reasons aren't very noble), but I tried to realize it's not about how many people I can pick up along the way when I'm with friends. It's about being with me friends. Sometimes that is a difficult thing to break myself out of and I'm not always aware of when I'm doing it (trying to entertain everyone).

Hope this helps!

 

[cafe]

PM, I don't think you would be an hour and a half late to meet a friend for an important event or take two hours to talk to a stranger at McDonalds when you were just stopping on the way to the grocery store, or keep her at Walmart until midnight if you knew she had four kids to get ready for church the next morning all in one weekend, would you?

 

[Jae Rae]

I've found reading books about Assertiveness to be very helpful. When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is a good one.

Your feeling about watching out for yourself is completely right. Women grow up thinking that's wrong, we need to be nice. No, we need to care of ourselves and honor our own priorities, time and energy.

Recently a friend cancelled twice in the same week. I sat down and wrote her a letter saying she should let me know when she was free to take a walk; I'd check my schedule and if I was also free, we could get together. She thanked me for being accommodating, but really I was telling her not to hold me up by making plans she couldn't keep, and also letting her know I'm not just sitting around waiting for things to work out with her.

Taking your power back is the way to go.

Jae Rae

 

[proteanmix]

Well, I definitely wouldn't keep someone waiting for nigh 2 hours, that's just plain inconsiderate of others people's time. I do have a tendency to be extremely chatty with strangers and literally need to be pulled away from the conversation. Jae Rae has given some pretty good advice. This friend seems to be overstepping her boundaries and if needs to be nudged into the right direction. If nudging doesn't work a pop on the head usually does.

 

[cafe]

I will work on it. Both on respecting other people's time better myself and speaking up when things aren't working for me. I really hate being assertive. I've learned to do it with my husband, but I know exactly where I stand with him, what will hurt him, what won't, what he can and can't change. Anyone else is comparatively walking blind, but I guess if I've come this far I can do it, or at least do it better than I have been.

I hate growing. It never feels good. At least not until you get the hang of it.