no closure = insanity

[INTJMom]

So apparently not only does too much extroversion make me suicidal, so does too much multi-tasking with lack of closure... I have too many open jobs that I can't close. They're all open... they all need to be juggled... they all have to occupy room in my mind... they have to all be remembered and dealt with... over and over again with never any closure.

AND MY BOSS IS COMING BACK SOON TO CREATE MORE JOBS WITH NO CLOSURE!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, I had a panic attack on Friday just thinking about it.
It made me despair of living.

Today didn't go so well either. (I didn't work yesterday.) When it was time to put on my coat and go to work this morning, I started to panic again, and I started to cry. I actually got on my knees and prayed. It helped.

I did pretty well today, but I made a major boo-boo today, and I found out I made a major boo-boo on Friday, too, so I'm not exactly in my right mind.

I wonder how long I can endure this job.

 

[Guest]

Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this at your job.

I can empathize. I took a position as an Executive Assistant to the COO of a corporation, and I stuck with it for 2.5 years until it finally disabled me (literally). The position was so averse to my personality that my mind finally said, "that's it!" and proceeded to work with my body to get me the hell out of there!

I remember the meetings where nothing got done, where I couldn't share my insights because the bosses would dismiss me because of my age, where I was expected to manage schedules for 33 people and never "drop the ball". No. Not me. Not gonna happen.

I say all this to give you affirmation that a job that causes you so much stress that it begins to manifest as panic attacks and makes you dread waking up is no way to live. YOU come first. If there is any way financially to let this job go, do it and don't look back. There are other positions/work environments that are better suited to your personality.

If that's not a possibility, although you and I have different beliefs, prayer, centering yourself, actively letting go of negative emotions as they come up, etc. are the only ways to go.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Tallulah]

What beyondaurora said...your body's trying to tell you that this job isn't suited to your personality. I've been there, too. Do some thinking about what your ideal situation is, and work towards looking for that kind of work. Remember--you still have choices. Do the best you can and then move to something better when the opportunity presents itself! Panic attacks are a sure sign something's wrong.

 

[INTJMom]

Thanks.
You guys are right.
My goal is to tough it out until I've paid for my son's braces.
I'm a third of the way there... or maybe almost halfway.
But I've been actively looking for a different job, too.
I receive an email almost every day of the latest jobs posted in my area.

I like my boss. She tells me how wonderful I am, so I, of course, appreciate the encouragement. And she's very patient about everything, but I put pressure on myself. I NEED to get some of these plates off the table. It's just all too much. There's too much to do and not enough time. It's just going so slowly. And there's always interruptions. Putting down this project to tend to that project, then putting down that one to tend to another one. And on and on it goes.

 

[INTJMom]

I was all in a heap of tears again today and I didn't even have to work today! Maybe my hormones have run amok. I have good days where I feel like I've finally got everything down to a science, and then there's other times like now.

 

[INTJMom]

Well, I have to go to work tomorrow. I'm trying not to think too far ahead. I'm hoping I'll just be able to take one day at a time, one moment at a time, one thing at a time, and not worry about the results... i.e. whether I have closure or not.

I'm gonna try not to worry about my boss creating more jobs for me.

That reminds me, I gotta go change my job search criteria.

I'm going to try to just take everything in smaller bites and not put so much pressure on myself to get things done.

I think I have a pride problem. It's like I refuse to admit I can't handle the job, so I keep trying, even though the truth is, I can't do it. I'm a failure.

 

[Tallulah]

INTJMom, you do seem to be struggling a bit with perfection-related anxiety, too. That mindset of trying to imagine problems before they come up, though it seems like you're trying to get a jump on a problem in order to deal with it better--what that actually does is cause unnecessary anxiety. You're worrying about things that haven't happened yet, and may never happen. And then you worry about your ability to deal with those things when and if they do happen, thinking you most likely won't be able to deal.

I do the same thing, and the thing is, it feels normal and logical. You have to call your attention to the fact that you're doing it, so that you can train yourself out of that pattern. And it wouldn't hurt to learn to ease up on yourself as far as your actual performance. Allow yourself to strive for excellence/personal best, rather than absolute perfection. Let your boss' satisfaction with you be your evaluator, rather than your internal critic.

I think you could use a book on anxiety. If you see that some patterns of thinking are what's adding to your stress level, and that other people experience those same patterns and have been able to correct them, you might be able to relax a bit.

Your stress is probably partly job-related, and partly anxiety-related. If you could work on the anxiety part while you have to stay there, it would probably be a lot more cope-able. Good luck! I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[INTJMom]

I don't know what in the world I'm so afraid of! I just walked by the calendar in the hall... thought about going to work in a couple of hours... and almost started to cry again! I don't know, maybe I should just go ahead and let myself cry about it.

Yesterday, I had to consciously decide not to think about work at all because every time it would come to mind, I'd start to cry again. I don't know, maybe I should let go and let myself cry. Maybe whatever thoughts and feelings are being suppressed would come out, or maybe it would release the pressure valve and I would be okay after that. I don't know.

 

[INTJMom]

It went better today.
I took all the pressure off myself to be Super-Woman.
I tried to stick to doing one thing at a time instead of trying to do it all at once.
I went at my own speed.

 

[INTJMom]

Did the same thing again today.
It went better.
I didn't try forcing myself to meet unrealistic deadlines.
I just did one thing at a time, trying to stick to the priorities.

 

[Guest]

It's good to hear that you are doing a little better. Hang in there.

 

[INTJMom]

Thanks, beyondaurora.
I definitely have to stop thinking about how I can survive that job long-term and just take it one day at a time for now.
I would definitely prefer a job that didn't have so much multi-tasking,
but maybe that's all there is in life.
Maybe I just need to grow a few brain cells in that quadrant.