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The Destroyer
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2007
- Messages
- 1,276
- MBTI Type
- ISTP
- Enneagram
- 5w4
- Instinctual Variant
- so/sx
My last chance, essentially, at education. Me giving education a last chance or education giving me a last chance, hmm. Honestly, I have been a mild to moderate failure in the last 1.5 yrs I've spent there, but now that I've finally admitted the extent of my depression to myself, I feel oddly free to tackle this one.
My father has given up on me, I think. Which honestly felt great. Like one part of the great suffocation of my life is over. I haven't felt a particular need to please him since I was 10- an intense session of "piano practice" (I hated playing the piano but my parents... and sometimes tried to enforce the 15 min practice per day) after which I concluded that nothing I did, however good, would particularly impress my father- or be "good" enough- and would only be expected of me, after all. But still he expects, after I have given up on any such expectations long ago- so in a sense a giant weight off my shoulders to not have his "belief" in me any longer. It's strange, isn't it? Maybe it's the nature of my disorder, but how the bonds we make bind us! The people we love hold us back.
Not that I can really claim to love my father. How can I compare, when I've known him my whole life? If you've seen your first movie- how do you know if it's good?
So this is my/school's last chance. First two days have been alright (even though I accidently missed a class).
My father has given up on me, I think. Which honestly felt great. Like one part of the great suffocation of my life is over. I haven't felt a particular need to please him since I was 10- an intense session of "piano practice" (I hated playing the piano but my parents... and sometimes tried to enforce the 15 min practice per day) after which I concluded that nothing I did, however good, would particularly impress my father- or be "good" enough- and would only be expected of me, after all. But still he expects, after I have given up on any such expectations long ago- so in a sense a giant weight off my shoulders to not have his "belief" in me any longer. It's strange, isn't it? Maybe it's the nature of my disorder, but how the bonds we make bind us! The people we love hold us back.
Not that I can really claim to love my father. How can I compare, when I've known him my whole life? If you've seen your first movie- how do you know if it's good?
So this is my/school's last chance. First two days have been alright (even though I accidently missed a class).
