Azure Flame
Permabanned
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2010
- Messages
- 2,317
- MBTI Type
- ESTP
- Enneagram
- 8w7
I was raised with a four star admiral grandfather, and a commander father in the US Navy. My home was stable... too stable. Mind numbingly stable. I was sheltered, and it was maddenning. Often an outcast, too unpredictable for the navy, too independently minded to conform or fit in. Criticized constantly, told daily how socially awkward I was... Eventually I stopped fighting it, and tuned it out. The noise of the world eventually fell to a muffled silence.
Most people hated standing watch, but I loved it. It was the one time when I was allowed to put on the yellow arm band that said "I enforce the rules, stay away." It was the one time where I could meditate, sort my thoughts, and feel safe from the legion of locked on critically competitive naval officer candidates who would go for the juggular if it meant they would rank one notch higher than you and increase their odds of becoming a fighter pilot. I just wanted a job I enjoyed, and I just wanted to work with people I loved.
I was sitting in a leather chair in the main office in my stark white uniform and officer's cover. I was bored, as usual. Unchalleneged. Staring out the window with my feet on the desk watching the trees until a voice broke the silence.
"What's your name?" She called across the room to me with a warm smile and cheerful attitude.
I didn't react.
"Hey!" she called out again waving at me. I snapped back to reality and looked at her with a skeptical look as if to say, "what do you want?"
"What's your name?"
"Jay... What's yours?"
"CJ" she chirped.
I gave a half smile and resumed looking out the window.
"whatcha thinking about?" she asked curiously.
"nothin, just lookin."
"oh!"
She got up and walked over to take a look. Directly outside of the window was a green tree about 10 meters away with birds that were fluttering around.
She watched. An expression of adoration passed over her smile and she went quiet. There was a moment of silence as I continued to look. CJ stood over my shoulder watching with me, entranced.
She sat on the desk directly next to me indian style and just started talking about birds.
I rotated my chair toward her and backed all the way against the wall to get some distance between us.
I looked at her as she continuously flashed her eyebrows and scrunched her nose as she talked about whatever the heck she was talking about. Her uniform was too big for her. She was tiny, and a powerful emotional luster filled her expression.
At one point she started to shake and look uncomfortable, as I waited politely for her to finish saying what she wanted to say. Scratched the back of her head and walked nervously back to her desk.
The room went silent... suddenly I realized I missed her company.
Slowly, I rose from my chair like a stone statue that was frozen for a century. I brushed myself off, walked over to her desk and sat on my knees in the chair with my arms wrapped around the back of the chair looking directly at her, intensely curious. She came alive and greeted me with a big hello as I started to ask her question after question about herself.
We had a lot in common... or so she said... lotta girls I met liked to tell me how much we had in common, but never actually cared when I got around to asking them if they'd like to join me in those activities.
I stood up and walked out of the room to get a drink.
We spent the next 8 hours together that night, talking non stop. Talking about our favorite animals, rock climbing, places we've been, stories about our friends etc. By the end she asked me if I wanted to join her at a tailgate party after the football game. I paused, and responded with a different solution. "Here's my number. Give me a call when its up."
CJ was very flirty. I've been hurt before. We ended with me giving her a very skeptical look and a quick "goodbye".
The cannons fired, the midshipmen roared in triumph, and I left the stadium invisible in the crowd of black rain jackets. I was by myself. That's how I preferred it. That's when I felt safe.
Sure enough after the football game was over, I heard my phone ring. I answered, and a quiet timid voice spoke, "um... so... hey its CJ, wanna come over?"
"Of course I do! See you in a bit!" I yelled boisterously into the phone full of enthusiasm.
I walked down the sidewalk, by myself, as every football game usually ended, and sure enough, there was the tent. It had music playing, smiling faces, and colored lights with food as everyone socialized. Nervous as hell, I mosied up the side of the hill with my hands in my pockets in my naval raincoat. I stood at the edge of the tailgate searching, scanning, awkwardly in the dark remaining hidden so that no one would see me. Sure enough, there she was behind the table with the laptop dusting light on her petite figure in the dark of night. I didn't want to look scared or nervous, so I took my hands out of my pockets, and I stormed straight up to her like I was on a mission.
"You there!" I said loudly. She flinched and started laughing with a bright red face as she yelled back, "HEY! Good to see you!"
I walked up, stood next to her, and immediately felt like a pussy after realizing I had absolutely nothing to say. After a moment of silence she spoke, "Did you see my boots?" She pulled up her cuff and flashed her cowboy boots to me. "Cool!" I said with enthusiasm... but had nothing else to say.
"So... um..." she got nervous, looked around quickly, "go ahead, get some food and talk to people!"
I looked over at the food, openned my mouth as if to say something, closed it, looked back... "Oh... naw I just wanted to drop by and say hi again."
She smiled and an energy seemed to pulse through her body as she faced toward me, "oh, thanks for coming by!" she spoke as if it meant a lot to her.
The next morning I woke up spread out on my bed in the cold morning light of a saturday. As was the case with every saturday, I had the entire building to myself.
I was nervous with butterflies in my gut. I lay there quietly wondering, "did that actually happen?"
It felt as if the sun was truly shining for the first time, and its warmth was raining down on me for the first time in my life. There was a moment of disbelief. In that moment it felt as if there was another human, living with me on planet earth.
I hopped out of bed and got on the computer on facebook.
I searched for her, found her, and clicked the "add friend" button. 5 seconds later my request was accepted.
"heya" her message popped up.
Where I tuned out most humans and ignored them altogether, she was a shining beacon of light and warmth, and a kind loving friend to me.
I didn't believe it. It didn't make any sense. "Why me?" I thought. "How?"
For the first time in my life I realized just how scared I actually was.
"Hi, whatcha up to?" I messaged her back.
"Oh... just bored. There's no one here."
"You're more than welcome to come up here and hang out if you like."
"I think I just might."
It took about an hour, but she finally showed up. She was wearing her pt shorts and a white v-neck t-shirt like she was just lounging about the house and didn't care. I was wearing my service dress uniform. She stood in the doorway and nervously said hi. I told her to come in. She walked over to a chair next to me and sat on her knees. She must have dyed her hair. It was dark red with firey neon orange tips. It was the coolest hair I had ever seen. Ever. I didn't even know hair could be cool.
I looked at her, then slowly turned my head back and stared straight ahead; I was unsure how to react to her perfection.
Months passed by with an awkward game of chase. She was insanely busy, and I had 3 F's I had to fix. She had a line of people outside her door and she'd give me VIP entrance where I'd sit in a chair next to her and make fun of her as she laughed hysterically. It was fun fighting past her half dozen gay best friends who would do everything in their power to cock block us. I'd snap my belt at her and yell "GET BACK!" and she'd laugh hysterically, red in the face with her nose scrunched while excitement pulsed through her body. She once tapped me on the back at a pep rally. I turned around to find her and she was playing peek-a-boo, hiding behind her enormous girlfriend. It was paralyzingly adorable.
She would tell me about how both of her parents were separated across the world, and she was in the USA by herself raised by her grandparents and living with her brother. Where she was on her own and charismatic enough to gain an army of supporters to help her, I was on my own, fighting the weight of the world off of me.
I never told her how much she meant to me or how awesome I thought she was.
And she eventually was shipped off to the mediterranean whereas I went to Florida.
She was a DJ, and a party animal, and the cutest thing I had ever encountered in my life. She was strong willed and direct but under a guise of weakness.
I recently messaged her and told her how much she meant to me and how much fun I had talking to her. She unfriended me shortly after. I couldn't tell you what the reason was, but I had to say what I said.
So here I am. Sitting in the office of a 14,000 square foot urban acropolis, praying for wealth and success in my new business endeavors, making friends along the way, hoping I can generate enough income to go to enough parties, take enough art classes, gas my car up to enough camping spots, or become a member at enough churches, in the hopes that somewhere, someday, I'll find someone just as incredible.
Most people hated standing watch, but I loved it. It was the one time when I was allowed to put on the yellow arm band that said "I enforce the rules, stay away." It was the one time where I could meditate, sort my thoughts, and feel safe from the legion of locked on critically competitive naval officer candidates who would go for the juggular if it meant they would rank one notch higher than you and increase their odds of becoming a fighter pilot. I just wanted a job I enjoyed, and I just wanted to work with people I loved.
I was sitting in a leather chair in the main office in my stark white uniform and officer's cover. I was bored, as usual. Unchalleneged. Staring out the window with my feet on the desk watching the trees until a voice broke the silence.
"What's your name?" She called across the room to me with a warm smile and cheerful attitude.
I didn't react.
"Hey!" she called out again waving at me. I snapped back to reality and looked at her with a skeptical look as if to say, "what do you want?"
"What's your name?"
"Jay... What's yours?"
"CJ" she chirped.
I gave a half smile and resumed looking out the window.
"whatcha thinking about?" she asked curiously.
"nothin, just lookin."
"oh!"
She got up and walked over to take a look. Directly outside of the window was a green tree about 10 meters away with birds that were fluttering around.
She watched. An expression of adoration passed over her smile and she went quiet. There was a moment of silence as I continued to look. CJ stood over my shoulder watching with me, entranced.
She sat on the desk directly next to me indian style and just started talking about birds.
I rotated my chair toward her and backed all the way against the wall to get some distance between us.
I looked at her as she continuously flashed her eyebrows and scrunched her nose as she talked about whatever the heck she was talking about. Her uniform was too big for her. She was tiny, and a powerful emotional luster filled her expression.
At one point she started to shake and look uncomfortable, as I waited politely for her to finish saying what she wanted to say. Scratched the back of her head and walked nervously back to her desk.
The room went silent... suddenly I realized I missed her company.
Slowly, I rose from my chair like a stone statue that was frozen for a century. I brushed myself off, walked over to her desk and sat on my knees in the chair with my arms wrapped around the back of the chair looking directly at her, intensely curious. She came alive and greeted me with a big hello as I started to ask her question after question about herself.
We had a lot in common... or so she said... lotta girls I met liked to tell me how much we had in common, but never actually cared when I got around to asking them if they'd like to join me in those activities.
I stood up and walked out of the room to get a drink.
We spent the next 8 hours together that night, talking non stop. Talking about our favorite animals, rock climbing, places we've been, stories about our friends etc. By the end she asked me if I wanted to join her at a tailgate party after the football game. I paused, and responded with a different solution. "Here's my number. Give me a call when its up."
CJ was very flirty. I've been hurt before. We ended with me giving her a very skeptical look and a quick "goodbye".
The cannons fired, the midshipmen roared in triumph, and I left the stadium invisible in the crowd of black rain jackets. I was by myself. That's how I preferred it. That's when I felt safe.
Sure enough after the football game was over, I heard my phone ring. I answered, and a quiet timid voice spoke, "um... so... hey its CJ, wanna come over?"
"Of course I do! See you in a bit!" I yelled boisterously into the phone full of enthusiasm.
I walked down the sidewalk, by myself, as every football game usually ended, and sure enough, there was the tent. It had music playing, smiling faces, and colored lights with food as everyone socialized. Nervous as hell, I mosied up the side of the hill with my hands in my pockets in my naval raincoat. I stood at the edge of the tailgate searching, scanning, awkwardly in the dark remaining hidden so that no one would see me. Sure enough, there she was behind the table with the laptop dusting light on her petite figure in the dark of night. I didn't want to look scared or nervous, so I took my hands out of my pockets, and I stormed straight up to her like I was on a mission.
"You there!" I said loudly. She flinched and started laughing with a bright red face as she yelled back, "HEY! Good to see you!"
I walked up, stood next to her, and immediately felt like a pussy after realizing I had absolutely nothing to say. After a moment of silence she spoke, "Did you see my boots?" She pulled up her cuff and flashed her cowboy boots to me. "Cool!" I said with enthusiasm... but had nothing else to say.
"So... um..." she got nervous, looked around quickly, "go ahead, get some food and talk to people!"
I looked over at the food, openned my mouth as if to say something, closed it, looked back... "Oh... naw I just wanted to drop by and say hi again."
She smiled and an energy seemed to pulse through her body as she faced toward me, "oh, thanks for coming by!" she spoke as if it meant a lot to her.
The next morning I woke up spread out on my bed in the cold morning light of a saturday. As was the case with every saturday, I had the entire building to myself.
I was nervous with butterflies in my gut. I lay there quietly wondering, "did that actually happen?"
It felt as if the sun was truly shining for the first time, and its warmth was raining down on me for the first time in my life. There was a moment of disbelief. In that moment it felt as if there was another human, living with me on planet earth.
I hopped out of bed and got on the computer on facebook.
I searched for her, found her, and clicked the "add friend" button. 5 seconds later my request was accepted.
"heya" her message popped up.
Where I tuned out most humans and ignored them altogether, she was a shining beacon of light and warmth, and a kind loving friend to me.
I didn't believe it. It didn't make any sense. "Why me?" I thought. "How?"
For the first time in my life I realized just how scared I actually was.
"Hi, whatcha up to?" I messaged her back.
"Oh... just bored. There's no one here."
"You're more than welcome to come up here and hang out if you like."
"I think I just might."
It took about an hour, but she finally showed up. She was wearing her pt shorts and a white v-neck t-shirt like she was just lounging about the house and didn't care. I was wearing my service dress uniform. She stood in the doorway and nervously said hi. I told her to come in. She walked over to a chair next to me and sat on her knees. She must have dyed her hair. It was dark red with firey neon orange tips. It was the coolest hair I had ever seen. Ever. I didn't even know hair could be cool.
I looked at her, then slowly turned my head back and stared straight ahead; I was unsure how to react to her perfection.
Months passed by with an awkward game of chase. She was insanely busy, and I had 3 F's I had to fix. She had a line of people outside her door and she'd give me VIP entrance where I'd sit in a chair next to her and make fun of her as she laughed hysterically. It was fun fighting past her half dozen gay best friends who would do everything in their power to cock block us. I'd snap my belt at her and yell "GET BACK!" and she'd laugh hysterically, red in the face with her nose scrunched while excitement pulsed through her body. She once tapped me on the back at a pep rally. I turned around to find her and she was playing peek-a-boo, hiding behind her enormous girlfriend. It was paralyzingly adorable.
She would tell me about how both of her parents were separated across the world, and she was in the USA by herself raised by her grandparents and living with her brother. Where she was on her own and charismatic enough to gain an army of supporters to help her, I was on my own, fighting the weight of the world off of me.
I never told her how much she meant to me or how awesome I thought she was.
And she eventually was shipped off to the mediterranean whereas I went to Florida.
She was a DJ, and a party animal, and the cutest thing I had ever encountered in my life. She was strong willed and direct but under a guise of weakness.
I recently messaged her and told her how much she meant to me and how much fun I had talking to her. She unfriended me shortly after. I couldn't tell you what the reason was, but I had to say what I said.
So here I am. Sitting in the office of a 14,000 square foot urban acropolis, praying for wealth and success in my new business endeavors, making friends along the way, hoping I can generate enough income to go to enough parties, take enough art classes, gas my car up to enough camping spots, or become a member at enough churches, in the hopes that somewhere, someday, I'll find someone just as incredible.
