[Other/Multiple Temperaments] INTJ rejected by an INFP

[nerdy anthropoid]

I'm an INTJ that just got rejected by an INFP female. We've only known each other for less than two months but she is the first person that I've allowed to have a glimpse of my inner world. She's funny, smart, and we connected on a deeper level. When she first got to know me she thought I was perceptive, mature and had interesting viewpoints but she wasn't sure how she felt about me. When she finally figured her feelings out she told me that I was too direct and didn't seem gentle and understanding. Basically she was telling me that I was too blunt for her liking. She also didn't like the fact that I didn't express my feelings much or give much verbal affirmation. I was crushed because I liked her a lot. I let her in and made myself so vulnerable only for her to reject me so coldly. This hurts a great deal and feels like a breakup when we weren't even officially together. She has absolutely no clue how she has destroyed me.

 

[JocktheMotie]

She also didn't like the fact that I didn't express my feelings much or give much verbal affirmation.

She has absolutely no clue how she has destroyed me.

hmm.


Not really sure what you're looking for here.

 

[Population: 1]

Sounds like a classic example of why the two types may not mesh well. I think my girlfriend is an INTJ. Understanding how she goes about feelings and displays of affection is key. Just because we don’t express ourselves in exactly the same manner doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, it simply means we have different ways of showing it.

I’m not prone to emotional displays either but I am decidedly more comfortable with recognizing and explaining my feelings. Sometimes I can decipher her feelings before she can. Experience at being in a relationship with her for over a year also helps. Knowing her past and her personality enable me to predict her reactions to situations with a fair degree of accuracy. I don’t make a point of always sharing these observations because it can be disconcerting for her if I arrive at a conclusion before she does. I hate when people try and dictate to me how I feel so I try and return the courtesy.

I’m not sure how easy or even wise it would be for you to declare how you feel to her but maybe you could try? Explain that it’s not easy for you to describe or reveal your emotions but that they exist. Of course sometimes people can’t easily except that not everyone deals with things the same way. In which case she may require a guy that has a personality that is similar to her own. There’s nothing wrong with that, but feelings don’t exactly care for or respect logic. Best of luck moving forward.

 

[Coriolis]

I'm an INTJ that just got rejected by an INFP female. We've only known each other for less than two months but she is the first person that I've allowed to have a glimpse of my inner world. She's funny, smart, and we connected on a deeper level. When she first got to know me she thought I was perceptive, mature and had interesting viewpoints but she wasn't sure how she felt about me. When she finally figured her feelings out she told me that I was too direct and didn't seem gentle and understanding. Basically she was telling me that I was too blunt for her liking. She also didn't like the fact that I didn't express my feelings much or give much verbal affirmation. I was crushed because I liked her a lot. I let her in and made myself so vulnerable only for her to reject me so coldly. This hurts a great deal and feels like a breakup when we weren't even officially together. She has absolutely no clue how she has destroyed me.

Sad to say, but this is exactly how it goes. They never know, because we make a point not to tell them, which is part of the problem to begin with. At least, until you find someone who can deal with that. Honestly, you got off easy if you/she figured this out after just 2 months.

So, you have some choices to make in how you use what you have learned here.

1. You can make a point to express your feelings more and give more of the sort of affirmation people like her seem to want. This may be difficult and very uncomfortable.

2. You can be slower to give someone that glimpse of your inner world, reducing the vulnerability, but also reducing the chances that they will see something they like well enough to stay around awhile.

3. You can make no changes and keep doing what you are doing, accepting that you will be hurt now and then, in the hopes that eventually you will find someone who is OK with it.

For the record, I have mostly done (2), but somehow still managed to find someone, though INTP rather than INFP. As I get older, (1) is becoming easier, in a narrow range of situations.

 

[Luminous]

What Pop said in his last paragraph. Tell her. Write it down if that's easier.

Have you read about love languages? That might be helpful to you, now or in the long run. I am not sure how much type coincides with language, but I need more words of affirmation than my boyfriend (intp) does. It can be frustrating to me. But if you end up in a relationship with someone who needs different love indicators than you, you can make the effort to speak their language, and them yours. It helps tremendously to know how different those languages are, intellectually, as it makes it less personal. When I was younger, I genuinely thought that others all expressed love similarly once in a relationship. If you do write her, you could even mention love languages and how yours differs from hers, to help her understand you.

 

[Yuurei]

What Pop said in his last paragraph. Tell her. Write it down if that's easier.

Have you read about love languages? That might be helpful to you, now or in the long run. I am not sure how much type coincides with language, but I need more words of affirmation than my boyfriend (intp) does. It can be frustrating to me. But if you end up in a relationship with someone who needs different love indicators than you, you can make the effort to speak their language, and them yours. It helps tremendously to know how different those languages are, intellectually, as it makes it less personal. When I was younger, I genuinely thought that others all expressed love similarly once in a relationship. If you do write her, you could even mention love languages and how yours differs from hers, to help her understand you.

I think he should try this- next time. The lady said 'No" and he needs to move on consider it a lesson for the future. Women talk, if he smothers he her he could ruin his future chances.

 

[Luminous]

I think he should try this- next time. The lady said 'No" and he needs to move on consider it a lesson for the future. Women talk, if he smothers he her he could ruin his future chances.

There may still be a chance for friendship there. I'm not arguing that he try to convince her of anything. But if she doesn't know how he really feels, she doesn't know. At least myself, INFP that I am, I have a difficult time believing when someone likes me.

Edited to add: I don't gossip about things like that.

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

I'm an INTJ that just got rejected by an INFP female. We've only known each other for less than two months but she is the first person that I've allowed to have a glimpse of my inner world. She's funny, smart, and we connected on a deeper level. When she first got to know me she thought I was perceptive, mature and had interesting viewpoints but she wasn't sure how she felt about me. When she finally figured her feelings out she told me that I was too direct and didn't seem gentle and understanding. Basically she was telling me that I was too blunt for her liking. She also didn't like the fact that I didn't express my feelings much or give much verbal affirmation. I was crushed because I liked her a lot. I let her in and made myself so vulnerable only for her to reject me so coldly. This hurts a great deal and feels like a breakup when we weren't even officially together. She has absolutely no clue how she has destroyed me.

Hello there, I want to answer your message as I may be XNFP and I got this problem not so long ago with an IXXJ.
Your message seems familiar so I wanna share my small experiment and disappointment so that you may understand
the communication problems between those two "weirdos". Of course I take into account every problem has its own field full of unknown flowers...

I was communicating with that guy since a while and we saw each other, we spent incredible moments.
Then the guy sent me a message telling me "My dear, I would love to see you again very much".
Here I felt happy and sent, as usual, an answer with "intellectual images" and my crazy imagination the day after.

I was supposed to go to a meeting for two days. No news of the guy (he knew I was away).
So after that (4 days after his message) I thought "Well maybe he isn't so interested to know me so I'll send him a small message to see what happens"

I sent " As I got no news of you, just hope you are fine. I am leaving for X (a city). Wish you a good holiday. What a shame..."

Straight away he answered me : "My dear, I didn't write you so that you could focus on your meeting, I didn't want to disturb you..."
Then he wrote me things that hurt my ego (....) even if trying to be nice. So fed up I said "Okay goodbye !"
(Useless to say I'm in a Big Shit actually because I know he is a great man)


Just to show you how communication sucks even when two people do have good intentions.
She may have liked you, but may be awkward (like many XNFX), hard-to-please or even afraid etc.
You don't know her past (...)

The best would be to be able to ask her what she FEELS (but wait a few days in my humble opinion, it would be more careful).
Personally I felt in the trap of my imagination. If I have had more patience he would have been back to me. But my nature isn't this way...
Who knows, what this girl is feeling right now.
She can even change her mind and think different about you if you take the chance to talk clearly.

I seriously think you should inform her that what you shared with her was very intimate and important. And that you did it because you trusted her.
Then see how she reacts. She misunderstood your manners. You had no intention to hurt her. Tell her this !
Maybe she likes you but those are excuses to hide other fears (maybe being abandoned, or rejected herself)...

Give her time and give yourself another chance. You never know...

 

[Luminous]

What exactly, concretely, happened/was said? Because people are making a whole lot of assumptions in this thread. Did you explicitly tell her you like her romantically? Did she explicitly tell you she doesn't like you as more than a friend? Or was it all inferred, with lots of room for misunderstandings?

 

[Peter Deadpan]

I'm an INFP and I get along great with IxTJs. That's not to say that they don't piss me off sometimes, but, when they do, I know I can just straight up tell them that they're (I'm my personal opinion) being insensitive/closed-minded/an asshole. I find that they are a type that I can "tell off", and then calmly walk away from. It doesn't blow out of proportion, and we can always come back to it and understand each other (to a workable extent).

My thoughts are that she either really felt the way she said and was uncomfortable opening up the doors to communicate more about it because of how closed off you are in comparison to her. Or, it could have possibly been an easy answer instead of her saying "I just don't feel the right kind of connection or attraction between us". I really can't be the one to decide which is the truth, but if it's the former and she does like you, then I would hope she would be willing to have a heart-to-heart with you about it.

 

[nerdy anthropoid]

Sorry forgot to mention that I'm an INTJ female. I just want to see if other INTJs have had similar experiences with INFP.

She found me too direct in my communications and didn't seem gentle or understanding. She said she didn't feel supported and understood.

I think because I felt so comfortable with her I let my guard down too soon. I don't usually do this with most people.

She knows that I like her but she's made it clear to me she doesn't like me and I've decided to leave her alone.

 

[highlander]

Sorry forgot to mention that I'm an INTJ female. I just want to see if other INTJs have had similar experiences with INFP. She found me too direct in my communications and didn't seem gentle or understanding. She said she didn't feel supported and understood. I think because I felt so comfortable with her I let my guard down too soon. I don't usually do this with most people. She knows that I like her but she's made it clear to me she doesn't like me and I've decided to leave her alone.

I wouldn't worry about letting your guard down. Agree with the points [MENTION=35566]Luminous[/MENTION] said. Good advice there. I think INFPs usually get along well with INTJs. Some INFPs can be really sensitive. My first girlfriend was an Fi dom and I was seemingly upsetting her with my extraverted thinking nature all the time. It led to a lot of emotional ups and downs which weren't all bad. Yet in other situations there can be a lack of compatibility where values dont align.

 

[Luminous]

Sorry forgot to mention that I'm an INTJ female. I just want to see if other INTJs have had similar experiences with INFP.

She found me too direct in my communications and didn't seem gentle or understanding. She said she didn't feel supported and understood.

I think because I felt so comfortable with her I let my guard down too soon. I don't usually do this with most people.

She knows that I like her but she's made it clear to me she doesn't like me and I've decided to leave her alone.

I'm so sorry that you've been hurt this way.

There does seem to be a significant difference in communication styles. Something else that might help in the future is to be aware of this: (A Quick Guide To Double-Checking Your Type):

Each of us has two other opposing pairs of innate preferences. In our communications we prefer either Directing or Informing. In our interaction with others we prefer either Initiating or Responding.

Directing communications have a time and task orientation with an implication of urgency to get the task done. "Have your report to me by close of business today."
Informing communications are designed to enroll the other in the process by providing motivation with relevant information. "Your report is an essential part of our project."

The directing style of communication is easiest to spot. The extreme form is the style used by traffic cops, stressed parents, and military commanders. It includes communications that would be classified as a "direct order." Examples include: "Sit down", "Put it over there", "Clean your room."

The informing style of communication is harder to detect. Sometimes those with the directing style are simply oblivious to it, not recognizing that a defining interaction just transpired. Extreme forms of this communication include messages that might be classified as "victim talk." Examples include: "I don't have any money", "That music is so loud", I'm not feeling good."

Initiating types are more comfortable with making the first contact and establishing role relationships. They like to engage others in interaction and conversation and are more fast paced.
Responding types are more comfortable letting others initiate contact and accepting the roles established by others. They are more slow paced and are comfortable with silence.

All introverts prefer the responding communication style. This is often a simpler yardstick than choosing between "gregarious" and "shy," which is how extraversion and introversion are sometimes defined. The "responding" communication style simply means that other people are more likely to start up a conversation with you than you are to start up a conversation with them. It's all about who goes first. In contrast, extraverts are "initiating" types, which means they tend to initiate dialogue more often than "responding" types do. That doesn't mean extraverts can only initiate and introverts can only respond -- it simply reflects what each type is more inclined to do.

There are four possible pairings of communication preferences, which naturally create four Interaction Styles. They are:
In-Charge (Directing and Initiating). Typically taking quick action and focused on results, they drive the team to achieve the goal. (ESTJ, ENTJ, ENFJ, ESTP)
Chart-the-Course (Directing and Responding). Typically knowing the plan and what needs to be done to reach the goal, they focus on keeping the team on track. (ISTJ, INTJ, INFJ, ISTP)
Get-Things-Going (Informing and Initiating). With a focus on interaction, they act as a catalyst using information, enthusiasm, energy and excitement to persuade and involve others. (ESFJ, ENTP, ENFP, ESFP)
Behind-the-Scenes (Informing and Responding). With patience and a calm, quiet style, they focus on understanding and accommodation to lead the team to the best possible result. (ISFJ, INTP, INFP, ISFP)

With the INFP being informing and the INTJ being directing, communication can feel overly harsh to the INFP and probably wishy-washy to the INTJ. I'd say that if a similar situation happens again, and it's with someone you trust, just being upfront with the fact that it's more difficult for you to open up and be emotionally expressive might help a lot. Though it sounds like this person wasn't very kind to you, if she wasn't gentle or understanding. I think there are whole threads around here somewhere going into NTJ-NFP relations... it seems to be a common theme, so I am sure many NTJs identify.

 

[nerdy anthropoid]

I'm so sorry that you've been hurt this way. There does seem to be a significant difference in communication styles. Something else that might help in the future is to be aware of this: (A Quick Guide To Double-Checking Your Type): With the INFP being informing and the INTJ being directing, communication can feel overly harsh to the INFP and probably wishy-washy to the INTJ. I'd say that if a similar situation happens again, and it's with someone you trust, just being upfront with the fact that it's more difficult for you to open up and be emotionally expressive might help a lot. Though it sounds like this person wasn't very kind to you, if she wasn't gentle or understanding. I think there are whole threads around here somewhere going into NTJ-NFP relations... it seems to be a common theme, so I am sure many NTJs identify.

Thanks for sharing the information on communication styles. Yeah it is true that the INTJ's extraverted thinking style of communicating does not gel very well with the INFP's introverted feeling. I think that I probably do better with thinking types than feeling types though my innate attraction has usually been towards feeling types. Looks like it's a one-sided affair though.