[INFP] INFP guys and mixed signals?

[honeylatte]

Hello everyone, I am finally confused enough about this INFP guy to make a post here!

I am an INFP myself, for the most part - although I realise I have a tendency to try to be TJ especially with people I do not know well.

A few months ago, I met a guy online, we exchanged a lot of texts and I think we hit it off quite well! When I finally met him in person, he told me he's an INFP, and I was surprised because he's smooth, charismatic, humorous and seemingly outgoing - I never would have guessed he's INFP if he didn't tell me. It was a short first date we had, but it was really fun talking to him, and I think he felt the same way too because he followed up with a text quite quickly.

However, what follows after that has been quite confusing. He continued texting me almost every day (even up to this day!), even opening up to me a fair bit about his thoughts on his work stresses, friendships, past, etc. Sometimes, he pulls away and goes completely silent for a day or two... honestly I'd be wondering if I should just give up after all, but he'd reappear again, and make the effort to keep the conversation going. I think we do have a connection. But what confuses me is, he rarely makes plans to ask me out. Two weeks after we first met, I invited him out on a whim, which he accepted. But it would be two weeks later before he asked me out - at the last minute. In the 2 months since we first met, we've only met a total of 4 times - twice initiated by me, and twice by him. (We just went out and had fun, nothing intimate!)

For what it's worth, we are both in our 30s, and he's only ever had one past relationship.

INFP guys, please help me out here!

1) Do you normally tell a girl your issues with work/friendships/life and even your weakness? Do you confide in people easily? (Or is he telling me all these things because I've been friendzoned???)

2) Is it a turn off for INFP guys if the girl takes the initiative? I do not know if he's ok with being chased, and frankly it makes me a little uncomfortable because how else would I know whether he's really interested? (I am terrified of looking pushy or trying too hard...)

3) Does he actually like me? Or is there something about me that's not clicking for him? Based on his texts, I would say he sounds quite interested. But if that's the case, why doesn't he ask to see me? He has an erratic work schedule, but we actually live only about 15 minutes away from each other.

4) What's your advice on how I can progress this to something more? For the record, I think I have given him a ton of hints - quite early on, I decided I'll approach this in a straightforward way (this is so tough for an INFP btw!), so I do think I've done my part with the compliments, flirting, hinting, asking out, etc. Just short of actually telling him I like him lol.

5) Would you talk to a girl every day if you don't like her romantically? Or are you able to flirt with multiple girls at the same time? (I for one find it very challenging to focus on more than one guy at a time...)

6) Finally, why do you give mixed signals??? Lol and do you even realise it?!

 

[Population: 1]

1. It takes me a while to warm up on a friendship level so telling you deep secrets and fears etc wouldn't come easily. However with a woman I'm romantically interested in and (important) feel a quick connection with I might be inclined to share more. That is just me though. I don't want to project what I do on your INFP. Hopefully more INFP guys will chime in to give you a decent sample group.

2. I'm shy. Not smooth at all and rather oblivious. lol Anyway women would probably have to pursue me. Would I find it pushy? Not if it's not stalker level pursuit and I like you. I'd be a bit cautious of someone who pushes physical moves too quickly but it doesn't sound like you've done that.

3. He obviously likes you on some level. If I wasn't interested romantically I'd feel it necessary to divulge that almost immediately to avoid hurting you. If I was really interested I'd make the effort without a doubt because someone else could come along and I'd be out of luck. However I'm not him so I don't want to disappoint you with my answers. His life isn't mine so I don't know what he might have going on that he might be reticent to tell you about.

4. What do you want out of this? Is the possibility of only being friends exceptable to you? If you answer honestly and it's no then let him know what you feel and what you're hoping for. It will be difficult but anything else will lead to you investing in something that will hurt you more the deeper you get. He might be oblivious to your feelings too. I've become friends with some women to find out later they really liked me but I didn't know even when they thought they were being transparent about it. They assumed I wasn't interested.

5. Everyday? Not if I didn't really like her. If I spend hours talking to her then I'm making a serious effort to know her. Friendships I think can proceed at a slower pace but when I'm attracted to a woman I think of her like a story I can't put down. I want to read the next chapter. I'm definitely a one woman guy. If I'm going to aim for a relationship than all my time attention and energy is going to that girl. No room for anyone else.

6. If I'm conveying mixed signals they're not intentional and certainly not to play games. I'd probably be falling hard and somewhat scared and exhilarated simultaneously. We're just like you. INFPs think of a million possibilities and not all are happily ever afters. I've also got to have me time to process information. ESPECIALLY in the case of strong feelings for a woman. He may be assessing his stance on where things are, where they could be going. For me, nothing can eat up hours like contemplating and worrying about what I'm feeling in a potential or actual romantic relationship. Again this is one INFP man's answers and perspective. I hope it helps you and hopefully other INFPs will post. You might want to extend an invite to the guys in general around here, they can be quite thoughtful. Good luck!

 

[Neokortex]

I have a tendency to try to be TJ especially with people I do not know well.

I had one experience with a girl who said she was INFP and showed strong Enneagram 8 traits, passive-aggressive nastyness that really turned me off.

, he told me he's an INFP, and I was surprised because he's smooth, charismatic, humorous and seemingly outgoing - I never would have guessed he's INFP if he didn't tell me.

E3? Charmer, an inch of narcissism in his talkative self-confidence?

both in our 30s, and he's only ever had one past relationship.

may not be the best to brag with your # of suitors. It may be late, but for what it's worth, here's my take on it. Assuming he's an So/Sp subtype, Social variants tend to be less transparent, to me at least, I'll try to think how an So INFP thinks.

1) Do you normally tell a girl your issues with work/friendships/life and even your weakness? Do you confide in people easily? (Or is he telling me all these things because I've been friendzoned???)

we don't really friendzone... do we? Do you?

1. It takes me a while to warm up on a friendship level so telling you deep secrets and fears etc wouldn't come easily. However with a woman I'm romantically interested in and (important) feel a quick connection with I might be inclined to share more. That is just me though. I don't want to project what I do on your INFP. Hopefully more INFP guys will chime in to give you a decent sample group.

I tend to blurt out deep stuff quicker than needed. Pends on the other if I tell more.

2) Is it a turn off for INFP guys if the girl takes the initiative? I do not know if he's ok with being chased, and frankly it makes me a little uncomfortable because how else would I know whether he's really interested? (I am terrified of looking pushy or trying too hard...)

I don't mind, actually, it boosts my ego, iffff, and if the girl does it with being self-conscious about it, that it can be laid out on the table - if it's not something I feel that if I verbalize it, it will fall apart, having made the other angry at me.

2. I'm shy. Not smooth at all and rather oblivious. lol Anyway women would probably have to pursue me. Would I find it pushy? Not if it's not stalker level pursuit and I like you. I'd be a bit cautious of someone who pushes physical moves too quickly but it doesn't sound like you've done that.

3)Does he actually like me? Or is there something about me that's not clicking for him? Based on his texts, I would say he sounds quite interested. But if that's the case, why doesn't he ask to see me? He has an erratic work schedule, but we actually live only about 15 minutes away from each other.

I'd say he wants you to push harder, figures if he's gone this far, he can sit back and he'll get more, he'll get you make a move on him by just waiting...all for compensation against all his other romantic failures. It's also true with me, I don't take one more step if I don't know if it'll be reciprocated at all. But when I feel sure, I tend to feel too sure and narcissistic about it, that she's hooked, she'll do the next step, no worries, now I'm getting what universe has failed to deliver...

3. He obviously likes you on some level. If I wasn't interested romantically I'd feel it necessary to divulge that almost immediately to avoid hurting you. If I was really interested I'd make the effort without a doubt because someone else could come along and I'd be out of luck. However I'm not him so I don't want to disappoint you with my answers. His life isn't mine so I don't know what he might have going on that he might be reticent to tell you about.

I second the bolded, he's probably past that stage, we usually don't have such a high self-confidence to be cool about leaving ppl on the back burner.

6. He may be assessing his stance on where things are, where they could be going. For me, nothing can eat up hours like contemplating and worrying about what I'm feeling in a potential or actual romantic relationship.

4) What's your advice on how I can progress this to something more? For the record, I think I have given him a ton of hints - quite early on, I decided I'll approach this in a straightforward way (this is so tough for an INFP btw!), so I do think I've done my part with the compliments, flirting, hinting, asking out, etc. Just short of actually telling him I like him lol.

He does not want to be liked, that's the thing. If a girl told me straight up she liked me, I wouldn't believe it. We're no fucking apex predator, we instinctively know there must be a reason for women avoiding us up until our late 20s, into our 30s. The guy's hesitating prob. bc he knows he really can't offer you anything tangible that will have you stick to him, instead of going away with the jock. Every romantic relationship demands more of an offering from a man. The charming behavior could have been just a cover up for not having that.

4. What do you want out of this? Is the possibility of only being friends exceptable to you? If you answer honestly and it's no then let him know what you feel and what you're hoping for. It will be difficult but anything else will lead to you investing in something that will hurt you more the deeper you get. He might be oblivious to your feelings too. I've become friends with some women to find out later they really liked me but I didn't know even when they thought they were being transparent about it. They assumed I wasn't interested.

6) Finally, why do you give mixed signals??? Lol and do you even realise it?!

Nope. Back to 4.), the bolded part: I actually don't like hints. Hints in my dictionary means that "I want to have a secure relationship but I want you to provide for the security by establishing the circumstances that won't demand impossible bravery from you, so I don't take responsibility for my eliciting you making a moving on me at your own risk" Contrary to [MENTION=33707]Population: 1[/MENTION] I'm always aware of the sexual dynamics, I just don't respond to hints, esp. if they're weak. I'm idealistic/unrealistc enough not to assume that it's the men's job to protect (and court) women.

5) Would you talk to a girl every day if you don't like her romantically? Or are you able to flirt with multiple girls at the same time? (I for one find it very challenging to focus on more than one guy at a time...)

Same here. But no, I guess, not, except if she really has a precocious mastermind.

 

[Population: 1]

[MENTION=29478]Neokortex[/MENTION] Was I being summoned or merely referenced?

Damn you you elusive SOB! Gone before the virtual ink is dry.

 

[Neokortex]

[MENTION=29478]Neokortex[/MENTION] Was I being summoned or merely referenced?

Damn you you elusive SOB! Gone before the virtual ink is dry.

DDD xDDD Elusive, true true. DDD