g_vartan
New member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2007
- Messages
- 61
- MBTI Type
- ENFJ
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I can accept that we're going nowhere...
- Thread starter g_vartan
- Start date
proteanmix
Plumage and Moult
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2007
- Messages
- 5,514
- Enneagram
- 1w2
I wish there was some way we could have a serious discussion about the ITP/EFJ (or INTP/ENFJ) relationship without the thread getting ruined by all the Fe haters.
Is it for the best that you're saying good bye or did the relationship end in a way you didn't want it to end?
Is it for the best that you're saying good bye or did the relationship end in a way you didn't want it to end?
g_vartan
New member
- Joined
- Dec 29, 2007
- Messages
- 61
- MBTI Type
- ENFJ
Yeah, same here...
That's a tough question to answer. I think it was best that we said goodbye because the relationship was slowly eating me away and it was hurting my friends/family to see me in so much pain.
As an ENFJ, I am surrounded by people but there's only very few that I let in. I think its a misconception that folks believe that just because we are NFs, that feelings / love comes easy for us....it really isn't.
In my relationship with my INTP, I ended up trying so hard to understand him and perhaps, I gave so much and didn't leave some for myself. This is the first relationship where I felt I wasn't loved back - he was scared to love me. And he failed to understand that I was also scared to death, but at least I wanted to try. I feel that my heart was shattered, and I am now in the process of gluing things back...but there's now a few pieces missing. I think that as an ENFJ the worst thing one can do is to not love us back...
As I shared with my friend, my INTP permanently altered me - he took my innocence away - I don't think I can love someone as much as I did him. I loved him so much that I continued to do so even when I knew it was wrong. Lesson learned, I guess.
That's a tough question to answer. I think it was best that we said goodbye because the relationship was slowly eating me away and it was hurting my friends/family to see me in so much pain.
As an ENFJ, I am surrounded by people but there's only very few that I let in. I think its a misconception that folks believe that just because we are NFs, that feelings / love comes easy for us....it really isn't.
In my relationship with my INTP, I ended up trying so hard to understand him and perhaps, I gave so much and didn't leave some for myself. This is the first relationship where I felt I wasn't loved back - he was scared to love me. And he failed to understand that I was also scared to death, but at least I wanted to try. I feel that my heart was shattered, and I am now in the process of gluing things back...but there's now a few pieces missing. I think that as an ENFJ the worst thing one can do is to not love us back...
As I shared with my friend, my INTP permanently altered me - he took my innocence away - I don't think I can love someone as much as I did him. I loved him so much that I continued to do so even when I knew it was wrong. Lesson learned, I guess.
proteanmix
Plumage and Moult
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2007
- Messages
- 5,514
- Enneagram
- 1w2
Yes, that's very true. I actually had to tell someone that ("We're not as close as you think") this past week. I felt so bad about it because I know why she felt we were close. I really don't know how to not 'lead people on' thinking that we're closer than what I feel we are because on some level it's just me being friendly and nothing more. I guess the information I feel is inconsequential that I reveal about myself is a big deal to some people? I'm careful not to reveal my political and religious beliefs or what hurts me or the mechanics of my feelings/thinkings except with designated people or places (like my blog and journal).
So I hate to drag a pop song into it but there's this line in The Frays "You Found Me" song
In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one whos ever known
Who I am, who Im not, who I want to be
I've always thought about the smoke and mirrors component to being an ENFJ and how there's are a lot of that going on. You find somebody you think you can do the whole Fe-merge with and it's something your heart has always longed to do and then something happens that prevents it from coming to fruition.
My friends and I played this game in college where we had to describe what type of food we are and I choose a pie (Key Lime Pie
). I choose a pie because I'm a very finite person; I don't have an infinite amount to give out to people which is why I guard my slices so vigilantly. This is one thing I've always been amazed about with ENFPs is how they're able to give out so much more of themselves than what I can.
So yes, it's only happened to me with one person that I've had the feeling that I can share myself totally with them, but it was incomplete. It didn't end in heartbreak though, we just became very good friends. There is a very strong concern that I'll never encounter anyone else that I'll be able to do that with because it took so long to get to that point in the first place. It's so interesting/frightening to realize that other people (not random people, people you are intimately entwined with) can alter your being. Like when I think about the fact that I think I've been changed forever because of my dealings with ONE person I'm like gawd, how did I allow that person to have so much power over me?
But it's just like you said, you have to take that chance, out yourself out there like that. It's the risk you take to be known.
So I hate to drag a pop song into it but there's this line in The Frays "You Found Me" song
In the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one whos ever known
Who I am, who Im not, who I want to be
I've always thought about the smoke and mirrors component to being an ENFJ and how there's are a lot of that going on. You find somebody you think you can do the whole Fe-merge with and it's something your heart has always longed to do and then something happens that prevents it from coming to fruition.
My friends and I played this game in college where we had to describe what type of food we are and I choose a pie (Key Lime Pie
). I choose a pie because I'm a very finite person; I don't have an infinite amount to give out to people which is why I guard my slices so vigilantly. This is one thing I've always been amazed about with ENFPs is how they're able to give out so much more of themselves than what I can. So yes, it's only happened to me with one person that I've had the feeling that I can share myself totally with them, but it was incomplete. It didn't end in heartbreak though, we just became very good friends. There is a very strong concern that I'll never encounter anyone else that I'll be able to do that with because it took so long to get to that point in the first place. It's so interesting/frightening to realize that other people (not random people, people you are intimately entwined with) can alter your being. Like when I think about the fact that I think I've been changed forever because of my dealings with ONE person I'm like gawd, how did I allow that person to have so much power over me?
But it's just like you said, you have to take that chance, out yourself out there like that. It's the risk you take to be known.
