Hi [MENTION=27254]Cristina[/MENTION]. I have been following but not responding to your post. I keep coming back to it because it’s your first. Also, I feel for your confusion.
I am an ESL Teacher and think part of the disconnect between the feedback you were hoping for and what you have received is found in language. I don’t mean to insult your English skills in any way - you are highly proficient. Still, when English is a second language - shades and nuances can be important.
Others have ‘schooled’ you on respecting feedback from all types and that’s important in a place where commonalities exist but individual expression is vital
Before I begin I would love to see an answer to this question posed by [MENTION=25403]ZombieNinjaPirate[/MENTION]
Why can't you just talk to him about this since you talk so much already?
I am puzzled why (given the time scope and depth of your connection) you are not able to ask him in a direct manner. Or if you have, what has his response been?
Unfortunately, the late years we lost our communication due to the difficult situations that I faced which are putted me in a weird phase of my life, emotionally and intellectually.
You later provide more understanding
(There are many other factors that make things difficult. Economic crisis in our country, there are no jobs there, health problems, his job is not permanent and soon he will be with no job, my health problems that make things difficult right now and so on.)
I am sorry that you have experienced illness. My Father is ill so I know that health issues can be draining on a relationship. Money is one of the largest stressors in a relationship also and I sympathize with the difficulty the economic factors have brought.
That created an undesirable distance between us. Plus we live in different countries the late 3 years, but our relationship was a LDR since the beginning, though we were daily in contact through sms, phone calls, Skype, etc.
How often were you able to interface IN PERSON during the LDR? Yes, they are sustainable thru technology etc. but have unique challenges and will wilt without in person interaction. I understand the challenges involved in your situation. I am asking for facts to flesh out your experience.
If you all think that is manipulation, then you probably have never been in an important relationship that you are willing to do whatever it needs to make things work again, to fight for this love, to fix the relationship instead of throw it away with no effort. To make your the other half to be completely happy again.
Statistically alone, it is unlikely that no one among your responders would have been in an important relationship that required effort
Give the good folks credit
Manipulation can often be used as a negative word. However, manipulating muscles during massage is positive. So, you needn’t immediately infer this as an insult to your circumstance. To consider if manipulation is positive/negative requires examining the intent behind such and the realistically expected results.
In post #17 you twice refer to making the other person happy. Impossible. Can we greatly contribute to someone’s happiness? Fo sure!
We cannot be
personally responsible for their happiness. Happiness is intangible and subjective.
I understand it may have looked at one time
like you did make him happy. Love is great for splashing feel-good emotions across the canvas of life. But, in any long-term relationship, partner's have to be content within themselves to offer quality companionship.
I am willing to even destroy the security and stability that I have hardly managed to create in my life in order to be with him...
But I cannot be with him if he is not in love with me...
Huge beeping
alarms sounding off in my head when reading this. You are willing to perhaps up-end your life for a situation that could be unfulfilling and for someone who currently is adrift emotionally? I am not saying you don’t need to care for him but take care of yourself first, Friend! Like in an airplane when the oxygen masks come down…make sure your health, life situation and emotions are stable before offering other's assistance and don't make sacrifices that could be potentially dangerous.
What could I do to bring the spark in his heart again? To bring the spark in our relationship again?
Nothing. If humans had found a way to make another love them, it would be patented, commercialized and sold in every corner store. Seriously, this isn’t in your power. I’m sorry.
I feel that he is waiting me to do something for him that could make him feel sure and secure, something important maybe, something big...
Bigger than: being supportive, willing for him to entertain thoughts of love for another, travelling a distance to see him?
Btw, there is a huge difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you".
This is your own statement and requires further consideration. There ARE so many kinds of love. Even more than you mentioned (philia…) Friends can love one another with the same intensity or to the same degree as the love that exists between child and parent or lovers.
Which leads me to a question that I pose more from my own experience. I also at one time was very heavily invested in someone I had been with for some time. He was 6 years older and I envisioned us spending the rest of our lives together (as we had discussed extensively). It didn’t work out and I was initially devastated.
Eventually I had to ask myself:
Am I more heart-broken over the loss of the relationship and romantic love with this person or am I more disappointed with the LOSS of all I had hoped for?
It’s an important distinction. At that time I couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone else and honestly got angry when other's suggested such. But, I
have since and those relationships were even
more fulfilling.
Why are you willing to accept this situation? Is it possible you could do with
finding a bit of your
own happiness or spark?
I know this is hard stuff but be willing to ask yourself difficult questions. Life is precious and having a fully drawn experience is worth it.
{Sidenote: In post #22 [MENTION=6723]phobik[/MENTION] offers insight that is succinct and worthy of consideration. If you can, read it again and try to discern what is really being said.}
HUG
