[ISFJ] How can make an ISFJ fall in love with me again? <3

[Cristina]

Hi there.

ISFJs, I need your advice.

I am an INFJ 38yo and my love of my life is an ISFJ 32yo.
We have been for 11 years together. Our love was really intense for many many years... It was a difficult relationship for many reasons. Although, our love, emotional connection, intimacy, passion, sexual desire, etc, remained incredibly strong. We really had a great passionate love with great communication.

Unfortunately, the late years we lost our communication due to the difficult situations that I faced which are putted me in a weird phase of my life, emotionally and intellectually.
That created an undesirable distance between us. Plus we live in different countries the late 3 years, but our relationship was a LDR since the beginning, though we were daily in contact through sms, phone calls, Skype, etc.

Well... This phase of mine leaded us to a painful break up for me and for him as I realized few days ago. We remained apart for 2 months and then I managed to travel to my motherland in order to meet him again.
Although, he accidentally fallen in love with another woman who is she a co-worker of him and they work together for 8 hours a day, side by side, in the same desk.
She doesn't know it, he did not say anything to her.

We meet each other again and our reunion was incredibly amazing... Our connection were still strong... Our hugs were intense, we both constantly touch one another, our kisses were passionate and amazing, we were tender and protective to one another... After 3 years we still feel our intimacy strong and we were amazed by that both of us...
We still love each other... I feel his love and he feels mine... Sexual attraction is still strong as well. We spent 4 perfect days making love, full of hugs, laughs, cries, tenderness, caresses, kisses, wonderful moments.
But... He fallen out of love with me and he is in love with another woman that he doesn't even hug her, but I feel that he has strong feelings for her.
He is very confused as he said many times...

My intuition says that he tried to replace me in his mind with a random woman in order to overcome the feelings he had for me.
I accidentally hurt him all these years that I faced those difficult situations in my life.
Our relationship now is in a weird phase. We talk again daily, we are like a couple in love again, we talk with sweet words of love to one another everyday, since we met again few days ago, but something misses... What is missed is that he is not in love with me...
He is the most sensitive, soft-hearted and tender human being I have ever met... He is almost like a little girl deep in his heart...
He is shy, super introverted, smart, well-grounded, kind, sweet person.

My question is how I can make him fall in love with me again. I want to spend the rest of my life with him... He is my Twin Flame and we both felt that from the very first moment, 11 years ago...
Our love story is huge, rich and full of wonderful moments...
I am willing to even destroy the security and stability that I have hardly managed to create in my life in order to be with him...
But I cannot be with him if he is not in love with me...

What could I do to bring the spark in his heart again? To bring the spark in our relationship again?

Thank you all for reading me and I apologize for my poor English language use... <3
I am open to answer your questions if you need clarifications.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

I am an INFJ 38yo and my love of my life is an ISFJ 32yo.

Does he want children?

Although, he accidentally fallen in love with another woman who is his a co-worker and they work together for many hours a day, side by side, in the same desk.
She doesn't know it, he did not say anything to her.

????

But... He fallen out of love with me and he is in love with another woman that he doesn't even hug her, but I feel that he has strong feelings for her.
He is very confused as he said many times...

Or it could be she has something you don't. Sounds like you guys have mind blowing chemistry but it really just sounds like a prolonged infatuation. He probably figured on some level he couldn't have a stable (i.e. normal) relationship with you but with her he probably can.

What could I do to bring the spark in his heart again? To bring the spark in our relationship again?

You said that you guys talk daily as if you're in love so why do you need a spark? Ask him point blank if he's willing to do whatever it takes to be with you and then come up with a plan of action. Aren't you guys both Js?

Based on the description you gave your relationship sounds fairly unhealthy. He's moved on but you're not letting him move on because you need him. Could you imagine things without him in your life at all and still being happy? If you can't then you have a problem and should probably consult therapy.

 

[Cristina]

Thank you for your response, but I need an ISFJ answer to my clear question though, not an ENTP criticism.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

Thank you for your response, but I need an ISFJ answer to my clear question though, not an ENTP criticism.

So this is a typology experiment or do you want some actual feedback?

 

[Unionruler]

I don't think he is ISFJ, or at least he doesn't act like one to me.

ISFJs rarely:
- Are confused over relationship matters
- Lead you on/sleep with you if they are conflicted

But just personally, I feel that as an ISFJ I do a lot more than other types to put back the feeling into relationships. If an ISFJ fails at that, I would suggest to you that the relationship is not recoverable. But still you remain free to do as you please, including pursuing for a time to be sure as to the result.

 

[Cristina]

I want exactly what I asked for.
The question is in my first post.

 

[Cristina]

He is undoubtably an ISFJ.

Our story is really intense and strong. Love stories like ours can't over easily. I don't know if we end up together again, but now he seems confused and I asked him 2 hours ago if he wants me to leave him temporarily or even permanently in order to help him to think and he is sure that he doesn't want me to do so.

We have never get in conflict, we just slip in a prolonged period that we didn't really talk about us and our feelings which was very important to us and that was because I faced difficult situations in my life; so we lost our connection and our spark.
He constantly says that he loves me and I feel it. But something is missing, what is missing is that he is not in love with me in the way he was for so many years.
I have been in the same situation too, but I managed to fix it in myself because I really love him and I wanted to be with him.

I want to help our relationship. He seems that he wants it too, but I have to inspire him again somehow and I don't know how to do it.
He always had difficulties to spot his emotions and his needs, I was the one who constantly helped him to get in touch with his emotions through our deep and emotional conversations.

 

[cascadeco]

He is undoubtably an ISFJ.

Our story is really intense and strong. Love stories like ours can't over easily. I don't know if we end up together again, but now he seems confused and I asked him 2 hours ago if he wants me to leave him temporarily or even permanently in order to help him to think and he is sure that he doesn't want me to do so.

We have never get in conflict, we just slip in a prolonged period that we didn't really talk about us and our feelings which was very important to us and that was because I faced difficult situations in my life; so we lost our connection and our spark.
He constantly says that he loves me and I feel it. But something is missing, what is missing is that he is not in love with me in the way he was for so many years.
I have been in the same situation too, but I managed to fix it in myself because I really love him and I wanted to be with him.

I want to help our relationship. He seems that he wants it too, but I have to inspire him again somehow and I don't know how to do it.
He always had difficulties to spot his emotions and his needs, I was the one who constantly helped him to get in touch with his emotions through our deep and emotional conversations.

So after being apart for three years, and now several days of sex, you don't understand why the connection isn't just as great as it was years ago?? You're asking an awful lot. Reconnects take time and I don't blame him for being wary or holding something back, if he is.

Atm it's probably mostly infatuation and physical lust, rekindling something deeper will take time. Trust needs to be reestablished. And in my opinion you're not asking the right question, 'how can I make him love me again' - I mean, take a step back and actually read that, you want to somehow MAKE him love you again? Perhaps it's a language barrier but if he actually loves you and you actually love him, you'll eventually become close again.

 

[Cristina]

We were apart because we live in different countries and our life situations weren't easy to meet each other as we wanted, the problem wasn't that for us. We managed to talk daily to each other.
The problem was that I accidentally distant myself emotionally from him and we slipped in this weird phase.

Can anyone answer my question except to judge our relationship?

 

[Forever]

 

[Cristina]

We love each other a lot and we know it we crave our hugs and our moments. He really likes me to embrace him, to feel each other, etc
He isn't in love with me though, as he says.
I want to inspire him this feeling again. I want to make him feel like the first years of our relationship that we melt from our feelings... To make him feel enthusiasm for us again, to impress him somehow.

Btw, there is a huge difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you".

Agape and Eros.

 

[Cristina]

Btw, our connection was amazing when we see each other again for the first moment even if we had 3 years to see one another in person.
It was incredibly amazing! Intimacy and closeness were perfect like we have never being apart for 3 years and we both felt fantastic because of that.
But in his mind exists this another woman and he feels confused because of that. This woman doesn't even like him. The whole thing is only in his mind.

 

[Yama]

I don't think you can "make" anyone fall in love with you. Or out of love with anyone else, for that matter. I wouldn't be able to start or stop loving someone with any sort of force of willpower. If your connection really is as amazing as you insist it is, then if it's meant to be, it'll happen. But trying to force feelings if they aren't there doesn't work.

 

[Cristina]

Thank you for your answer.
I don't want to force feelings...
I just want to find how can make him feel better or what I have to avoid...
I feel blind right now, like I have never been with him for so many years...
So, what I need is a guidance from an ISFJ man to tell me what he could make him feel better in order to spark again this relationship.
For example, I managed to fight my phobias, my social anxiety, my intense stress and I traveled all alone the whole Europe in order to meet him and just talk with him because we broke up on Skype and we couldn't discuss anything face to face.
He was impressed by that, he never expected me to do something like that because he knew how difficult is for me... I made him happy with that and he really enjoyed our reunion.
But I don't know what else I could do... I feel that he is waiting me to do something for him that could make him feel sure and secure, something important maybe, something big...

 

[1487610420]

You already know what you can do, ie relocate next to him, try to fight for his attention, to become important and maybe get a job at the same company they both work in, the question is whether any of that is a good idea and will get you what you want (or him, which your post doesn't factor in).

 

[fetus]

Thank you for your answer.
I don't want to force feelings...
I just want to find how can make him feel better or what I have to avoid...
I feel blind right now, like I have never been with him for so many years...
So, what I need is a guidance from an ISFJ man to tell me what he could make him feel better in order to spark again this relationship.
For example, I managed to fight my phobias, my social anxiety, my intense stress and I travel all alone the whole Europe in order to meet him and just talk because we broke up on Skype.
He was impressed by that, he never expected me to do something like that because he knew how difficult is for me... I made him happy with that and he really enjoyed our reunion.
But I don't know what else I could do... I feel that he is waiting me to do something for him that could make him feel sure and secure, something important maybe, something big...

I'm going to agree with everyone else here and say that it's really on him to decide his own feelings. If it's love, it'll happen. You can't control another's feelings. To do so would be manipulation. Be yourself. Let him be himself. Honestly, it sounds like the only way is to let things play out. I find that most times, being natural leads the current where it's supposed to be. And if doesn't turn out to be love, maybe it wasn't in the first place.

You're also asking very specific advice. [MENTION=23583]21lux[/MENTION] is the only ISFJ male I know of on here. There are only a few ISFJs on here in the first place, let alone guys. Let other people offer input.

 

[Cristina]

You all completely misunderstood me.
It is not about manipulation.
He loves me, he says that to me 10 times a day. I feel his love. He is confused because we went through a difficult phase of our relationship and that led us to an uncomfortable silence. I want to help us to find again what is missing and I want to be the perfect for him. I don't want to make mistakes or to do the wrong things.
He wants to falling in love again with me, he just is afraid of things, but he doesn't know what things. He cannot to verbally express his feelings because he cannot spot them and I feel blind because of that.
That's why I asked for help in order to know what is good for an ISFJ man.

If you all think that is manipulation, then you probably have never been in an important relationship that you are willing to do whatever it needs to make things work again, to fight for this love, to fix the relationship instead of throw it away with no effort. To make your the other half to be completely happy again.
We love each other too much and we both struggle with missing pieces of our relationship, if he didn't want us to be together he never said me that he loves me so many times a day or he never maintain a daily contact with me in the degree to talk all day long.

I want to do whatever it takes for my man. I want to fight for us. I want to make him happy again, but I don't know what to do since he doesn't know it even himself.
He now is more happy (again) than before because we talk again and we talk in a very sweet and romantic way, as he says, but he is confused because he lost his spark.

 

[Cristina]

[MENTION=6723]phobik[/MENTION], I would do that if it was easy. There are many other factors that make things difficult. Economic crisis in our country, there are no jobs there, health problems, his job is not permanent and soon he will be with no job, my health problems that make things difficult right now and so on.
There are a lot of things that we have to find solutions in order to be together, to live together. It is not easy, but I want to do whatever it takes, whatever I can.

 

[1487610420]

[MENTION=6723]phobik[/MENTION], I would do that if it was easy. There are many other factors that make things difficult. Economic crisis in our country, there are no jobs there, health problems, his job is not permanent and soon he will be with no job, my health problems that make things difficult right now and so on.
There are a lot of things that we have to find solutions in order to be together, to live together. It is not easy, but I want to do whatever it takes, whatever I can.

why are you telling me this?

 

[Cristina]

Because of that?

You already know what you can do, ie relocate next to him, try to fight for his attention, to become important and maybe get a job at the same company they both work in, the question is whether any of that is a good idea and will get you what you want (or him, which your post doesn't factor in).