[ENFP] ENFP possessiveness? jealousy with friendships?

[ChocolateMoose123]

One of my closest friends is an ENFP. There is a side of her behavior that puzzles me.

This ENFP is very beautiful. She was a model for a top agency at one point in her life. She certainly gets a lot of attention. She always has an orbit of admirers around.

On certain occasions where I'm getting more attention than her (it doesn't happen often) she becomes either withdrawn or possessive. My ENTJ friend even noticed this and asked me about it. It's something that I noticed myself but never said anything about.

Some examples: I never get dressed up or wear makeup that much. People don't recognize me when I do. On my birthday, I decided to pretty it up and sure enough got a lot of attention. ENFP was complimentary toward me then kept mentioning that she thought she didn't look good enough that night.

Another time, we were both at a bar watching live music at a table when this woman approached and started hitting on me. ENFP reaches over and lays her hand on my thigh in front of the woman. When the woman leaves she goes back to 'normal'

When she first met my ENTJ friend, she actually physically pushed the ENTJ away from me when we were at a club dancing. We were all drinking but I was shocked that she would do that.

Me and ENFP dated very briefly about two years ago and streamlined into a close friendship. I know ENFP doesn't like me in that way so I can't understand her behavior.

 

[SillySapienne]

Hmm, as a archetypal ENFP, I don't understand the concept of our ever being jealous or possessive, with one caveat, I do exhibit romantic jealousy, but that's about it, seriously.

Are you sure she's an ENFP?

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Yes. I gave her the test.

I know if I mentioned anything to her about it her feelings would be hurt and she wouldn't see that she does this. So maybe her motivation and what shows to others are different things.

 

[stringstheory]

I've seen this in ENFPs who have issues concerning abandonment and self-esteem, including myself; a lot of times, if feeling unbalanced we can lose our inner sense of self-worth and overly-rely on confirmation from others. This is a tactic to draw attention to herself in order to feel that she has more self-worth than she currently feels. I used to do this often when I was stuck in a depressive episode, before I was medicated.

Also, while my roommate is not ENFP, i do notice that she and her other model friends are highly critical of themselves and others in their industry, and that often times they, being noticed almost exclusively for their outer-beauty, question their own inner "allure". i don't know her but i can see this being a contributing internal struggle.

 

[Loliz]

One of my best friends is an ENFP. (I love the ENFPs!) She talks about getting friend jealousy pretty regularly. She doesn't like it if any of her closest friends (or sibling or partner) become close to each other or hang out without her. She also seems to keep tabs on all of their other relationships, asking a lot of questions about the amount they hang out with someone...Not sure what it has to do with in relationship to her ENFPness though. She is definitely on the 7/8 area of the enneagram, and is an sx dom. She likes to be the one most in control and sorta the ring leader or sorts. I do think ENFPs like attention! A lot of it!

(If your friend is used to being "the attractive one," it would make sense that she would get uncomfortable when she doesn't feel that way, as it is probably where she gets a sizable amount of her confidence.)

Hmmm...?

 

[Loliz]

I've seen this in ENFPs who have issues concerning abandonment and self-esteem, including myself; a lot of times, if feeling unbalanced we can lose our inner sense of self-worth and overly-rely on confirmation from others. This is a tactic to draw attention to herself in order to feel that she has more self-worth than she currently feels.

That sounds about right.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

She likes to be the one most in control and sorta the ring leader or sorts. I do think ENFPs like attention! A lot of it!

Yeah. That's one of the qualities I'm in awe of about her. She can juggle so many people wanting her attention. Just watching her in action wears me out.

(If your friend is used to being "the attractive one," it would make sense that she would get uncomfortable when she doesn't feel that way, as it is probably where she gets a sizable amount of her confidence.)

Makes sense. Still. I would like to be able to bask in some attention or flirtatious conversation with someone and enjoy it without feeling this sense of impatience from her. Or having her 'sabotage' the moment for me. Even when I'm bored to death I'm very patient with her dialogues with...everyone...about everything. So I think she could give up a little leeway with this. How best to approach or not approach?

 

[SillySapienne]

Many chicks take the test and come out as ENFP, for it is inherently a feminine type.

I just re-read your first post and it SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Doesn't resonate with me that I cannot believe that this chick is an ENFP, sorry, I can't.

Stringstheory, notice your type, first of all.

Secondly, I was neglected and verbally abused by my father, as well as physically abused by my sister growing up.

In other words, I've got issues.

But, I've got a very strong Fi, and the woman you describe sounds nothing like an ENFP, nothing!!!!!

Why people, and women especially love me is due to the fact that I am NOT A HATER, I LOVE when my friends are happy, when they look beautiful, I don't know, this chick just doesn't seem like a real ENFP, to me.

My INTP bestfriend is both very jealous and possessive of and over me, as is my ESFp friend, though the latter is more possessive than jealous.

FPs don't hate on good things, good people, good happenings, they welcome them, they actually LOVE THEM, they want the people they love to be happy, to find love, and they will accommodate them as much as they possibly can to facilitate growth and happiness in those they love.

Fuck, maybe I'm biased, but I KNOW, and it's been verified by many sources, viable sources, that I am a hardcore ENFP.

And, I don't roll like that, in fact, I find her behavior sad, unacceptable, and slightly abhorrent. EW!

I've been hated on by my "friends" hell, even by my family before, and I just sat there and cried inside, shocked by how disgusting a fragile ego can manifest in such cruel actions. :sad:

So, yeah.

I bet this chick is NOT an ENFP.

Seriously.

Like I said, I'm prone to depression, and I'm a victim of abuse, and my issues do come out with men, at times, with men I'm romantically involved with, but other than that, I NEVER HATE ON WOMEN, unless they're tyrannical cunts who need to be put in their place.

 

[stringstheory]

i said including myself, not only myself. just because it doesn't resonate with you doesn't mean she isn't ENFP...all people are different. i've seen plenty of consensus that this can be typical ENFP behaviour, especially if she is not healthy. Key word is unhealthy.

considering you guys were at a bar, i'm assuming she's over 21? how old is she, exactly?

 

[sculpting]

hmmm, I am actually anti-possesive myself. If I have to compete with another person over a third person I just quit and walk away. Any other alternative just results in people getting hurt.

enfps have been known to seek affirmation externally. I dont do this over my physical looks at all, but I do like to know my efforts at work or in a relationship are appreciated. I think part of maturing is learning to look inside for that affirmation but it can be hard.

It is an interesting story as if the primary thing she is judged upon daily is her looks, then it makes sense why she would seek affirmation about her looks though...

As for the envy...well, I think I would have a hard time being friends with someone if I dated them, cared deeply, then watched them date other people. As much as I try to dismiss envy, and want the best for them, it still pops up now and then. So perhaps at times it peeks out a bit with your friend, and after a few drinks when her inhibition is relaxed a bit, she acts out on it?

 

[Amargith]

Just joke about with her about it, and involve her in the flirting, it helps to reassure her that she's not going to be forgotten by you. Also, genuinly tell her, as you just did now that you do enjoy that bit of attention when you're prettied yourself up, as you're sure she can understand it's fun. Make sure you tell her you're sure she's bound to get her share of excitement as she looks hot, it's what she's aching for and can help reassure her

If it's your intention to actually find someone to be happy with, tell her that too, and that you'd enjoy pursuing that, and hope she doesn't mind.

Don't guilttrip her, just explain to her your own motivation and desires. Usually, an ENFP will not stand in the way of the happiness of someone they care about and will bend over backwards to contain their own insecurities, should they arise. But they have to be made aware of your desires and experiences first. We're no mindreaders, contrary to popular belief

 

[sculpting]

hmmmm, after reading loliz' "friend envy", you know, yeah I get that now and then...but I tend to quell it within a few seconds as I recognize I have no inherent right to the other person, and that my internal envy is due to seeking external affirmation that they are my friend. I guess I learned a long time ago to push a mental reset button.

In any case be gentle, but direct. It may hurt her feelings, but let her know that she is your good friend but her ACTIONs bug you a bit.

 

[SillySapienne]

Yes. I gave her the test.

I know if I mentioned anything to her about it her feelings would be hurt and she wouldn't see that she does this. So maybe her motivation and what shows to others are different things.

The above is highly uncharacteristic of ENFPs.

I want some ENFPs to come up in this thread and back my ass up, oy vey.

I'm sorry that your friend has major issues, but I'd be more obliged to help if you accepted the high probability that she is NOT an ENFP.



Sorry, and notice that the other gals who are participating in the thread are not ENFPs, as your friend, I assure you is not, either.

 

[SillySapienne]

Oh fuck, am I an idiot.

You and she are lesbians, and this is a romantic thing.

Oh, sorry, I got confuzid, we can be romantically jealous, as I stated before.

 

[SillySapienne]

Obviously, she's not over you.

And, she needs therapy, a lot of it.

 

[SillySapienne]

Orobas, I don't care if you are a drop dead gorgeous ENFP, we don't care about looks, we care about ideas, intellect, integrity.

An ENFP who is obsessed with her looks is kinda an impossibility.

amiwrong?

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I just re-read your first post and it SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Doesn't resonate with me that I cannot believe that this chick is an ENFP, sorry, I can't.


But, I've got a very strong Fi, and the woman you describe sounds nothing like an ENFP, nothing!!!!!....Why people, and women especially love me is due to the fact that I am NOT A HATER, I LOVE when my friends are happy, when they look beautiful, I don't know, this chick just doesn't seem like a real ENFP, to me.

I'm pretty certain she is. In fact, your passionate response about this reminds me of her. She is very protective of her friends and is very encouraging, loyal and supportive. She wouldn't be one of my best friends if she wasn't.

Keep in mind that I am relaying a problem with her and not accounting all her great qualities in this thread.

 

[SillySapienne]

Mayhaps she be an ENFJ?

An ENfp?

An ESFP?

I dunno....

 

[sculpting]

Orobas, I don't care if you are a drop dead gorgeous ENFP, we don't care about looks, we care about ideas, intellect, integrity.

An ENFP who is obsessed with her looks is kinda an impossibility.

amiwrong?

Hey my sweet,

I dunno...I mean I am in science so I tend to get kinda pissy if my ideas are not respected. I seek to have them affirmed. Kinda liked I have coorelated being logical as an Fi value and I seek external feedback from others that my ideas really are logical. It's weird.

So maybe she has done something equally weird with her looks? I dunno, I havent been around models at all, so I dont understand what she is exposed to normally. I wouldnt expect it to be EVERYTHING to her, but perhaps enough to maybe poke its head out now and then-like at the party where MDP dressed up.

But I think the romance totally plays a hand in this particular interaction.

 

[stringstheory]

Orobas, I don't care if you are a drop dead gorgeous ENFP, we don't care about looks, we care about ideas, intellect, integrity.

An ENFP who is obsessed with her looks is kinda an impossibility.

amiwrong?

Well see this is where i feel like other factors are coming into play too...she's not just an ENFP, she's a model. I've seen this come through in people who are, for whatever reason, primarily judged upon her looks. What you say about ENFP caring less about looks than other factors particularly resonates with me, which is why i feel like the issue could be coming down to the question: do these people really like me for me? For my ideas and my 'true' identity? Or just because of how i look?

i'm not sure i think it's a case about her being obsessed with her looks so much that it is being used to OTHER people being obsessed with her looks. looking at it from this perspective i can CERTAINLY see this eating at an ENFP who wants to be recognized for their ideas and integrity and causing her to act out. If my outside "identity" is primarily based on looks to many people, i know i would be crushed and would start seeking affirmation.

Three friends and my roommate come into mind; my roommate is EXFJ, and the friends are 2 ENFP, and one is ENTJ. all are or have at some point been seriously bothered by this question either because of the nature of their profession or, in the case of my ENTJ friend, just for being so damn beautiful.

OP does she only act this way with you, or does she do this with other friends as well?