Interesting thread.
I'm going to delve into my Handy Dandy Book of Pop Culture Wisdom (it rivals Bartlett's, srsly) and say that there's this one quote from Staind's It's Been Awhile that's always stuck in my craw: "I cannot blame this on my father/He did the best he could for me."
I really thought about that for a long long time, about what it meant and what not. I had a similar conversation with my friend this weekend about what we wish our parents had taught or schooled us about for us not to be in certain situations we're in now (basically overwhelming school loans).
I've become less critical of my upbringing because ultimately, they told me and taught what they knew to teach me and what they didn't know to say and do, they didn't know and what can be done about that? I grew up in a stable home, we knew we were loved and weren't an inconvenience or some things that just took up space in the house. I suppose there are things some of us will do with our kids that they'll wish we had done that we didn't know to do.
And then when I think further about it, would I really have been receptive to what they wanted to instill in me if I was resistant? What if they wanted me to play more sports and forced me into it? What if they wanted me to be more musically-inclined and then forced me into something I didn't want to do? I feel like they would've been damned if they do, damned if they don't.
For me, an example is I was told to go to community college. They told me it was a wiser financial decision and I could transfer to my state school. I insisted on going far far away for school because that's just what you do when you go to college; you live the college life away from your parents doing what you want. I feel like they told me a lot of stuff that I'm just now seeing the wisdom about that I didn't realize back when I was a headstrong teen. That softens my view of their parenting a lot.
Generally, I did not feel misunderstood and I knew my parents (more my mother than father, but everybody's got Daddy Issues) would fight for us because they did, I didn't feel anchorless. My parents were older parents, which makes a difference I think. Also a lot of the parenting ignorance was that my parents were first-generation middle class and there wasn't a wealth of knowledge to pass down to us because it hadn't been there previously. Once again, they didn't know to teach and do with us what they didn't have done to themselves or what they weren't exposed to. Like they'd play sports with us, but didn't take us to museums. Museums wasn't in their world to take us to, but would've been just as enriching. They did what they knew to do.
I did feel that as they learned, it was very much given to us even up to the present time. I'm also more receptive now and recognize when I'm being given a golden nugget of wisdom, instead of viewing it as someone's attempt to control me or my life.
There were no family secrets, I think the biggest thing I found out when I was a teenager is that my mother was my father's third wife (and that wasn't much of a surprise considering his behavior). While not perfect I think it was a B childhood.
I feel like I've encountered many people angry at their parents and I've always wanted to know why. I will never forget going off to college and beginning to regularly hear people refer to their mothers as "bitch" and their fathers as sperm donors...it was a culture shock to me. Some people come from horribly abused and neglected backgrounds, but then there were others that based on what they said it wasn't quite as obvious what the issue was and where it originated. It was hard to figure out where it went wrong. This also led me to think about bad seeds and how many of those I was running across. I didn't/don't know how many people I talk to about this stuff, truly had a difficult childhood or just angry that they weren't adopted by Brangelina.
And then I also think about people who did come from horrible backgrounds to become well-adjusted and healthy people. Why did they take a certain path and others fell into a ditch they never could get themselves out of?
Just a lot of stuff to process about what I've heard people say and what their experiences are.