Siúil a Rúin
when the colors fade
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2007
- Messages
- 14,057
- MBTI Type
- ISFP
- Enneagram
- 496
- Instinctual Variant
- sp/sx
Deep emotions can be triggered when something happens that represents an ongoing struggle. When I read this I wondered if you might have repeatedly found yourself extending more effort to create compromise in relationships with people than they recognize in you or attempt on their end. If the other person is calibrated to approach conflict as two selfish perspectives that have to compromise out in the open and in discussion, then your inner compromise ends up unrecognized. Some people may have zero concept that a person can work out a compromise from multiple perspective inside their own head, and just assume everyone has to start out selfish if they are invested in the conflict and its resolution. It is common for people to not hear what is being said during conflict and perceive everything in a distorted way that fits whatever their patterns for conflict have been in the past.I usually express my anger in a mature manner by discussing the issue and talking about feelings shmeelings , I also try to be tactful so people don’t get riled up. Maybe I am too forgiving…and the issues are left unresolved sometimes which then later causes an explosion. What set me off this time you ask….GUESS!!! - My ENTP man…he seems to be the only one in my life right now that really knows how to push my buttons! We were having a discussion so I came up with a resolution and presented it to him...the thing that triggered my anger was in this exchange:
Me: (In a positive way) “It’s a Win/Win for both of us!â€
Him: (In an asshole kind of way) “NO, it’s a Win for you!â€
That’s when I went berserko. I was so angry because my resolution really was a good one, it was all about compromise and teamwork, it totally made sense! I felt that he was being really irrational and selfish, it was like he didn’t understand or wasn’t listening to me. It really got me frustrated. He tried to make me seem like "the bad guy". HOW DARE HE!
Some people excel at pushing buttons during conflict. We all have emotional fault-lines in our brains, areas of vulnerability that can be triggered when upset. It also helps to become aware of what our own areas of vulnerability are, so that it can be recognized when someone starts pushing those buttons. People have to want to change their conflict styles in order for it to happen, so it's hard to know how to correct something like you describe, except maybe to wait to present your solution until more of his emotions have dissipated and so he isn't into the rut of assuming that a partner will present a selfish solution during conflict.