I agree. ^
Move on. If you try to maintain the friendship, it will continue to be awkward. If she really does still have feelings for you (like you obviously do for her), seeing you happy, stable, moving on and not pining MAY spur her to reach out to you. But don't do it for that reason. It could just as easily be what you need to get over her. Chock it up as a lesson learned.
You're both very young. Some of your behaviors and reactions to one another seem immature to me. It was like self-sabotage. I'm not saying the relationship was toxic, but you weren't bringing out the best in one another. A lot of that comes with maturity and experience with putting someone else's needs up there with your own. Someday you'll meet your soul mate and look back...and you'll be embarrassed with how you handled things.
Of course, ultimately, you are the master of your own fate. Do what you want. If you're determined to keep pursuing her, she will keep leading you on (which she is), but never actually giving you a shot. But you never know. She might. You could find your way back and live happily ever after. I just expect it would be a rough ride.
You're totally right, I am very aware that I sabotage myself from the beginning.
Usually I'm not very keen to that kind of relation, but that one time I wanted it to work because I wanted to experience it.
She was completing myself but at the same time, I got down in my daily life, with time and objectivity, I think I was borderline depressed during that time for the first time of my life.
I know it'll be a really rough ride, but I think I'm okay with it, I'm the kind of person that would suffer less from putting efforts that would never go rewarded than not doing it and keep wondering "what if" during years.
As far as it goes now, just with "her memory" and the "will to become better" I did quite alot of improvement during those months.
We're not really friends tho, just "not hating each other", I will just keep doing it I think, and if my heart gets stolen by someone else in the process well good for me
I had not much hope but the way she reacted to my letter was kinda "eh I did not burn every part of me in her entirely"