Isn't 11 yrs enough time to call it quits...
Hello friends !
I'd like to know if some people around here were willing to hear my story.
It's a long story. One which began more than 10 years ago.
In essence, it's the story about a fellow ENTP that felt in love with some ISTP female a long time ago.
A story where, in 11 years, I still haven't figure out how to break the shell of that person.
She basically runs far away any time she realises our relation is deeper than any other one she has in her life
That's why, when I'm hitting on her "" like a man"" (meaning as if I didn't care about her) , she clearly displays sign of interest and as soon as I'm kind (or doing the psychologist) she goes full defense mode.
And I don't see how to break that shell.
Alot of answers, nice !
Well I'll do a quick resume of the story then ask the main question.
We met when we were both 12-13.
We were originally attracted to each other directly, especially I to her.
Basically from the age of 13 to 19, we were in a weird relation of "love-hate", I was looking for her, she would reject me, then look for me when I disappeared etc.
She was clearly having the upperhand in the relation tho, I feel like it's important to state it.
We were intimate once around 16 but we didn't end up having sex.
Around 15, her parents got divorced and she started to "change", meaning she doesn't do well with attachment and the slightest display of blunt affection makes her run far away.
From 19-23 we only had brief interactions, like talking to each other for some weeks, see each other on social events.
We started to talk to each other last november, and that's where the "wtf" part really begins.
We planned to see each other countless times but she always cancelled, once, she admitted that it was because she was feeling "under pressure" at the idea of seeing me.
We finally saw each other 10 mn a month ago, from the beginning she started being "aggressive" as if she wanted to take the upperhand. Which didn't happen as I answered to her the same way she did.
She got out of the car, sent me "Too bad it has to end like this".
My answer to that was quite a really mean message and I thought it was over.
Now, last week I was partying when I received "What are you doing I hurt my head falling I'm alone at the hospital can you please come"
Which, of course, I did.
I then learned that she was with 5 of her friends and told them to go home because she wanted to be alone and be with no one, me excepted, I looked after her after being out of the hospital for a few hours blablabla
She stated the next day that she could have called someone else or directly go home but "She wanted to see me because she knew she needed it"
Now, sadly, I'm the kind of person that naturally pushes BIG RED BUTTON. When I see them on people I pushed them.
That's why, when I'm hitting on her "" like a man"" (meaning as if I didn't care about her) , she clearly displays sign of interest and as soon as I'm kind (or doing the psychologist) she goes full defense mode.
And I don't see how to break that shell.
When I'm engaging her verbally on the subject : "we are nothing for one another and she is not hitting on me"
When I act as if I didn't care she softly tries to make me interested
When I engage her and actually ask her to do something she always agree and then ends up cancelling it.
Of course, the main answer would certainly be "Get the fuck out" "Stop wasting your time".
I've done that countless times, it's been like, 6-7 years, that I'm not really in love with her anymore.
But it seems our path always crosses, I could get the fuck out now and it would come back in 6 months, a year or so.
If I had to describe her psyche, she would be like " a beaten dog" with me, she hides her "sadness/distress, etc" behind some aggressive/not concerned behaviour but even knowing that I do see beyond that I can't find the way to ""heal"" her.
I can live without her but I also really want to help her, and well, see what she and I could do together
(It's pretty wacky and confusing but I hope I was clear enough)
I'm usually the kind of guy that really doesn't care about that kind of things, if someone doesnt act logically then fuck me but well she is my weak spot I guess
Hm, if she needed you, then you're her weakness as well.
You took a lot of beatings from her to be fair.
Spending time with her without receiving anything in return is really a strong love language as an ISTP. Since she's being antisocial, instead of going out, stay at her house maybe a movie/cook/paint/video game/college work/ music, hopefully something that make her comfortable.... Since she is in distress/stress her xSxP maybe conflict planning and so try keeping plans to do stuff at last second/few days before or that same day.
Tbh I kinda relate to the um "beaten dog" syndrome, but one the best ways to help is to he extremely patient, and seeing that she has been hurt from her parent's divorce; try to not back-bite as she is expecting you to her like her parents or something. Ik it can be unreasonable cuz she is provoking you, but it does work wonders.
I see she is acting out her parents' relationship with you by saying stuff like, "We have never been friends, nor lover./ Too bad it has to end like this." Maybe try to contradict her with logic as to why you guys are friends and possible lovers. Reiterate that you're nothing like your parents (after time she might believe it), and she might need you to confirm that ur not going anywhere/ that you're 100% sure you wanna be with her or something just like a stable force in her doubtful fleeing mind I guess. Spending time with her and eventually she will just open up cuz you happen to be there.
Last but no least, remind her just because she's upset doesn't mean she should punish her feelings, or does it justify punishing yours. Best regards, hope it works out.
Could you explain this more, pls?
An example of you being a psychologist?
you mention having tried this and that with variable results... quit backtracking to what gives negative results... stay with what gives you the best outcome, and she may stick around long enough to open up on her own... don't project an end result, just enjoy what comes and brush off what doesn't...there is no magical formula that can be applied...btw, ditch the attitude of fixing her... i highly doubt she wants that... if she wants assistance with something she'll communicate that... besides, people fix themselves or don't fix themselves... it's not something that can be done by someone else...
Since you say you aren't in love with her, my advice would be to try to focus your attentions elsewhere. She was making you feel "love-hate" before her parents got divorced, from the very beginning. I don't think it's likely she's going to change significantly any time soon and I don't think there's any way for you to easily break through her shell. As Obfuscate said people fix themselves (or not). She has to want to change. And I think you really deserve to be treated better than she has treated you, and will likely continue to treat you. I understand the whole she-keeps-showing-up-that-must-mean-something feeling (I had someone like that in my life). It's seductive to think it does mean something, but sometimes it doesn't. Or, at least, it doesn't mean what you want it to mean. I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear, and it's not helpful in getting through to her.
I did say that because she doesn't make me go full "retarded" as I'm not loosing sleep over her when she leaves anymore, I'm not getting "angry" when she rejects me, I'm just detached (?)
Which is my usual stance, I'm not the sweetest man on earth
Well she wasn't before they got divorced but she was like 14-15, alot has changed and there seems to have more "troubles" on her part that I don't know about.
I do understand that it could mean shit and would be a way for her to play tho, I'm not that of a feeler to not be wary of that kind of behaviour, it's more of a bet than anything else
I think you both just like to set yourselves on fire.
That certainly has been true when we were young but I'm not like this anymore
It's more like when she makes one step towards me, it somehow ends up by 3 steps away.
I guess the most efficient way would be the more logical, play her game of "attraction" while teasing her, do not care when she cancels, not keeping the conversation alive when she doesn't, that kind of calculated behaviour