Amargith
Good posts, all around. You've been remarkably clear, here.
I really like this part:
One interesting thing I've noticed about myself as an INTJ is that the ways I help people are effectively invisible to them.
They don't see the planning that kept things from going awry at dozens of different stages. It applies to both social and work situations, but it's a bit easier to describe with respect to work. I have occasionally found myself entering work situations that were remarkably discombobulated, or just barely recovering from discombobulation. Given a short time, I can see most everything that is going wrong.
What is wrong isn't that people don't like each other or don't trust each other or fail to affirm each other and provide social comfort. If anything, they trust each other too much, and assume that the overall work system that they've been using for the past decade works fine as is. Now, unlike your stereotypical immature INTJ, I don't just barge in and tell people to do things differently, and I know I need to gradually earn trust. Once I have that trust, I replace the broken processes (which were fine for the business environment 10 years ago, so they aren't broken so much as needing to be adapted) with working processes (whether pieces of code, actual practices, business procedures, workflows, design architectures, etc.). But even as I do all of this, I become agonizingly aware how no one around me is seeing any of these broken processes. And when I fix them, they take it for granted that it works this smoothly all the time. All the effort I put in is invisible, because I'm working on invisible things, the connections between "this" and "that", which I guess are invisible because people pay attention to "this" or "that, without even seeing the intrinsic connections between the two that, if one of them fails, the "this" and "that" both break. Granted, this is kind of an idealization of what I do, but the main takeaway here should be that what I do, what I see, is invisible to others. For more immature INTJs, they see the same things, wondering why everyone is so concerned with "being a team" and getting along, "putting out fires" instead of removing the fire hazards. How do you even TALK to people who can't see the obvious? Most anything we say is received with the same kind of primal fear you describe, as if we had said, "I see dead people."
In a more humorous vein, INTJs see the world like this:
We aren't trying to use you as cannon fodder, we're trying to save you from happily volunteering to be cannon fodder.