fidelia said:
Any discussion has to be mutually beneficial in some way, or else there's no reason to engage though.
-What actions of yours (specifically) triggered stress in your ex-spouse?
-What actions of hers (specifically) triggered stress in you, put you in a blind spot?
-Why and what did you (specifically) tell about her to the people in your public circle?
-For how long should INFJs maintain relationships that they are not comfortable with?
-When would it be OK for INFJs (or anyone else for that matter) to end the relationship by their own choice? When enough is enough?
-What kind of relationship dynamics tax your resources, cause you stress?
-How do you deal with relationships that you are not comfortable maintaining (that tax your resources)?
-What, in terms of mbti, could be your weak/blind spots that you should work towards personal growth?
fidelia said:
Any discussion has to be mutually beneficial in some way, or else there's no reason to engage though. From what I've seen, there is an ENTP tendency to poke people to see how they respond, in an effort to gather information. After awhile though, people resent being poked or treated like your science experiment.
Mane, you don't have a problem with that? Could it be that you are driving away people by doing that? Could that be, in a way, your way of doorslamming people? Or could it be that you have never opened your door to them to begin with?
fidelia said:
Also, despite you taking time to say what you'd gotten out of the thread upon second reading, his response was not to engage with you on that in any real way.
FYI - i have, i was just apprehensive about the social consequences it would have to her with me doing so publicly.
Really? I can't see why that would have negative repercussions. She's already put herself out there and really to me it looked like you hung her out to dry for her pains.
how am i supposed to know how you guys run the INFJ office politics?
(seriously, i just wasn't sure what if any group dynamic their is and what could it entail so i didn't say anything until [MENTION=8244]Eilonwy[/MENTION] told me it's fine)
Well Mane, you deflected the questions and still haven't said anything about her post...not that you have to but you could have at least given her a hint that you took her points into consideration by reciprocating your take on her points...
Also, one of the possible negative repercussions of Mane publicly engaging me in this thread has already been brought up--the appearance of him and I ganging-up. Once that idea takes hold, then anything I have to say can easily be dismissed as favoritism or taking sides by anyone who doesn't want to consider what I have to say.
The feeling of ganging-up I had was related only to the "Dude" photo...I don't have any reservations in my mind about you sharing your thoughs on the issue even when they may overlap with Mane's...
The same might be said of yours. You have no doubt heard the advice given to fiction authors, that it is better to show than to tell.
Well, I have been trying to do that...You might consider doing that too...
Originally Posted by fidelia
Again, the issue seems to be that I then can't figure out your intent for communicating certain information and if I can't figure out the intent, I have no way of evaluating whether or not I have anything to contribute that would be of use, and if I can't do that, I'd just prefer not to expend the emotional energy needed to engage in an exchange that is potentially frustrating.
Well, you could start by considering the information on its own merits. Does it seem accurate, reasonable, useful? Is it consistent with what else you know on the topic? Does it pique your curiosity, or prompt a question? Do you see an error or misunderstanding you might correct? All of this is possible without understanding anything about the poster's intent, especially here where the threads are public, and an answer directed at one person can be read by many.
Or, go with #5 above, and just ask for clarification. I can never understand why people prefer to assume than to ask.
[MENTION=9811]Coriolis[/MENTION], we have been keeping asking for clarifications but our questions keep getting deflected via non-answers/rhetoric that does not address the actual question...We ask him "What shape is it?" and he responds "The sound it makes feel funny to me"..wtf?
We do not know what to do with the (non-)answers Mane gives us...because it does not clarify the parts that we want clarified...we ask for clarification on a piece of the puzzle but the answer we get in return does not fit with the entirety of the puzzle itself...So what [MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION] means by intent, IMO, is that we do not understand/know what to do with the pseudo-answers Mane gives back to our questions...They are useless in terms of INFJs' understanding the issue cause they do not clarify at all...So we are asking Mane..."what's your intent in sharing that specific piece of information with us?"
In return, Mane acts as if he has shared with us a revealing piece of the puzzle but we have failed and/or refused to grasp and integrate it onto the puzzle due to our blindspots and uninsightfulness.??? The problem from my point of view is that what he shared is not a piece of the puzzle...It does not relate to the puzzle...That being so, I cannot integrate it into my overall thinking/reasoning mechanism...
Btw, you came here with a negative tone, why? Have you read the earlier discussions in the thread?
For instance, what do you make of the belowgiven piece of information? What do you conclude/deduce from it in terms of your framework of reasoning/understanding? Crunch it into a pattern for us INFJs here please, so that we can integrate it into our own framework...
Mane said:
the situation: a recently woman in my life was driving me mad with drama's putting putting the relationship itself on it's own existential crisis every other day, to the point where it found i didn't have the time or mental space to pay attention to even required college projects, not to mention my own.
taking a step back: i saw that earlier differences in expectations of the relationship resulted in multiply possibilities hanging in the air, and while i thought i was merely being honest about the dilemma i was trying to sort through and thinking out loud about the opposite choices, from her perspective that meant me expressing very conflicting signals. in other words: ofcourse she was acting insane about the relationship, i was the one driving her insane in the first place - which in turn added an unbalanced weight on my decision regarding her.
impact: since the negative impact was in sharing both sides, decide on one to share, process the other internally.