I've posted here about this guy before. For some background he's my best friend, he's INTJ, I'm ENFP, I wish we were dating but he isn't interested in anyone, we're both in college. Now onto the problem. He's my favorite person to talk to when he's in a good mood, common interests, similar humor, and all of that, but lots of times he will just randomly decide to start ignoring me or tell me I'm being annoying or to shut up in THE MIDDLE of a conversation. A lot of the time he even starts the conversation and then just decides to get annoyed in the middle of it. Why does he do this?? No particular subject seems to trigger it, it just happens. He gets mad at me and then randomly decides he's over it later and we go back to normal until the next time it happens. I've tried talking to him about it but he never wants to discuss it and I hate conflict so I usually just cave. Help a miserable ENFP please
Yeah, that behavior could apply to any type, honestly. It's indicative of an emotionally stunted individual.
You may dislike conflict, but at times, it needs to happen. Addressing a problem is the only way to actually resolve it & move forward as a person, & within any sort of relationship. Addressing an issue may not always result in an actual conflict, but, given the info you've provided, it's likely he'll be dismissive/defensive if you press him to acknowledge your feelings about this. At which point, your attempt to connect with this person (failure or not) may serve as a mental marker for you to consider - how
capable is this person of caring for you as a good friend? How much does he truly value you (beyond the attention you offer him) - how much energy are you willing to spend on this person?
Calling him out on his shit won't be comfortable for anyone involved, but, that's how you grow. And who knows - it may help him grow, as well. Finding a solution together strengthens & adds depth to the bond you share. If talking in real-time (in-person, or on the phone) tends to lead to communication breakdown faster - then it may be worthwhile to send him a well thought-out email/letter about your concerns. That may offer the INTJ some space to reflect upon his actions, get past any kneejerk defensive responses, & offer his own feedback on the situation in a more fluid way. Emotionally underdeveloped NTs (& people in general) can be really dismissive of emotionally charged issues when they're in a defensive state. A little space for perspective can sometimes alleviate that, so that telling him how his behavior affects you will have an opportunity to sink in - perhaps elicit an empathetic response - versus feeling more like an attack on his character.
Maybe some day he can get better, but he needs to ruin a couple of relationships with his stupidity first.
This^ may also be a valid factor.
If patient, civil, & varied attempts to connect repeatedly fall short, then it's probably time to reevaluate your emotional investment in this person.
Good luck.