This is a great thread topic, something I'd like to see more input on. I've had this problem at times too. It's gotten better as I've gotten older and become more set in my ways, with my friends and partner, etc. Yet still, there are times that I can be PAINFULLY self aware. When I become this way.. I am very perfectionistic with my appearance, anything I create (right down to cooking!) the way my house looks, the car I drive, and tend to replay things that I said that could have been construed as a bit off. Again, I don't seem to have too much problem with it anymore.. but this is definately a pattern with my INFJ brethren.
My one INFJ friend just beats herself up over comments she's made, tiny little things, but she had a problem with perfectionism too. It's truly been a life long struggle for her, leading into issues of insane exercising, bulimia, anorexia, anxiety & depression. She was floored when I admitted to her recently that I also have problems with this.. (the caring too much about what others think).. because I do suck it up and hide it well. Our defense mechanisms operate differently.. and when I become insecure I tend to to put up a front of even more confidence, and less caring of what people think.. It's like the class clown who feels like if they are the first to make fun of themselves, it won't hurt so much when others do it later. I take more of a 'I am confident in who I am, you don't affect me, so fuck-off vibe'.. but the truth is I can care tremendously.
Anyhow.. here are the things I do when I get into that negative, overanalytical thinking patterns... I combat them in my mind with more objective thoughts.
1) Most people are not as intuitive as I am. They are not going to pu on the subtle expressions, tones, and body movement that I do.
2) It's not ALL about me. While I live in myself.. other people live in themselves.. their mind is much more pre occupied with what they are going to do, eat, drive, work problems, etc. People are not just sitting around all day trying to see into my fucking core. It is not only selfish to assume people think of me on this level, but simply inaccurate. Why should I beat myself up over something that others thougth on for 2 seconds and have moved on?
3) The people that do think and analyze me on a deep level are people that I am really close to anyhow. These are the people that truly matter. and these people know and accept me already. I don't need to prove anything to them.
4) While I want people to like me, I just cant make everyone like me all the time. No one can do this, and to hold myself to this standard is absurd.
5) Thinking too much about how I come across really affects my ability to live in the moment and have fun. Life is too short to analyze this, curtail who I am.. hoping to cator to others. Nobody is perfect, so why do I expect this from myself?
If I observed someone else do something stupid or innapropriate would I be as hard on them as I am myself? Nope.
6) Judgement says little about who is being judged, and much about the judger. If someone is going to think terrible things about you.. that reflects on them as a person, not you. Healthy, happy people do not walk around day after day thinking shitty things about others. (This was an especially helpful tip for me to understand, as my mother was a verbally abusive addict.. and I grew up believing that since she had such terrible thoughts, ALL people must have terrible thoughts. This is NOT true. I repeat ... healthy, happy people DO NOT think excessively negative thoughts about others. It took along time and the befriending of many truly healthy people for me to realize this and heal my perception.)
7) The truth is, no one really likes people that are always perfect, all the time. It makes them feel uncomfortable and guarded. Imperfection is the human experience. These perceived mistakes, failures, etc. are very important. They give us charactor, humility, compassion. When we can reveal these short comings to others.. we help them feel at ease. We show them that its okay to be imperfect too. We are able to connect or inspire on a deep level.