Sometimes i get in my little hole of thinking and feeling and i get selfish, and just want to stay there and retreat from life when it is convenient for me. During this time, i am pretty much unavailable to the rest of the world-- and it can be selfish because i just expect people to give me space. I dont think this is necessarily unhealthy, but i notice myself doing it. I wish i didn't have this need to turn relationship-giving on and off whenever i so please..
I've done this all of my life. Thinking back, it was primarily during dark, emotionally difficult periods. I was conscious of what I was doing, but I justified it by thinking that I just
needed all this time to myself.
What did I do in this time? I spent time alone, doing as little as possible, spent time in my head thinking detrimental thoughts. I didn't spend time dealing with the emotions, but rather trying to ignore and place the emotions away somewhere deep and just being alone, fighting a losing battle in my mind. This didn't help at all, because the emotions and issues were always still there, it just offered temporary relief for the moment. In fact, it exacerbated the problems by not acknowledging the emotions for what they were, accepting them, and letting them pass. Instead, they remained in my mind, always in my subconscious, frequently reminding me, actually causing and keeping me in the darkness.
I can recall going long periods without speaking or being with my friends or family. For me it went by in days, but after the fact, I realized I had just spent six months disconnected from everyone, especially the ones I loved, and nothing was accomplished.
Looking at my doings in that way made me realize it was all done out of selfishness. Separating myself from others for such long periods did not help me in any way. It did nothing but keep me in my mind, during which I would become trapped in thoughts and emotions that created and continued the problem.
Examining what I've done in the past and realizing what has not worked, I feel like I am better prepared to deal with anything that might occur in the future. Essentially, it is being conscious of what is or has happened, acknowledging its affect, either physical or emotional, and continuing to go on with life.
While I may never be one to discuss my feelings with others, I realize the need to consciously examine and acknowledge those feelings myself and assign meaning to them. Thus, I will always need time alone to recharge or introspect, but there is no longer any need for me to retreat for extended periods.