But many of the rest of you think in a way that I can't even relate to. You seem to see something that I can't see, by which a person's collective actions and your perception of their nature modify the consequences of an individual action. It's as if you see some kind of invisible "thread" linking all these actions together in a particular way, and from it you calculate what a person's intent is, whether their action is good or bad, what effect it had, and what is justified regarding the collective nature of all of that information I don't even see or process.
I think what you're talking about is empathy. When you feel what a person's feeling, and relate that to your own experience, you can start to get a sense of how that person feels and processes. The more you perspective-take, the more feelings you have to link together. That threads that links those different experiences together is a product of one's familiarity in recognizing patterns and a very natural process that happens almost spontaneously. So to summarize, empathy + familiarity --> "thread"
You're trying to build this thread intellectually and it won't really work, because empathy isn't built on intellect. It's built on a lack of judgmentalism. You're tendency to judge others' action with your personal codes probably (my guess) interferes with that process.
I would say that intellect becomes important insofar as it allows you to recognize patterns in behavior, but you need the empathy to start the process. I would somewhat even hesitate from calling the ability to descry pattern an "intellectual" process. That implies that it can be learned by reading a book, and I don't think that's true. It comes from being aware of nuances and seeing connections, which is linked to
intellect. Kind of a linguistic mess here; I hope you appreciate what I'm trying to express here, though.
The problem is, I don't even see that "thread." So this is very frightening to me because I feel like things are being judged by something that I can't even comprehend. And if I can't comprehend what I am being judged by, how can I hope to avoid negative consequences for my actions? How can I even know if I'm doing something wrong? Do I just have to hope other people will tell me before I make them too angry, and then try to follow their prescriptions without even understanding them?
I find this thread (MBTIc thread) very interesting. The thing I've noticed about hardcore INFJs -- I only know about 3, so read this paragraph with caution -- is that they create elaborate rule structures and love sorting out behavior according to these networks. My cousin is notorious for doing this and she often gets lost in these mazes herself. I explored the root of that network with my cousin once. In a rather emotional moment, she confessed that it was all built around her own pain. Her network is designed to make sure that she doesn't get her feelings hurt because she is sensitive and can't bear it.
And until now, I totally thought you were an INTJ, Athenian$1.99.
That seems to be the only way to live... just try to avoid doing anything that might irritate someone, never trust them if there's even the slightest chance they could use it against you, and hope you remember all of their preferences so that you don't say anything that makes them mad. I won't enjoy living that way all of the time (although it would be fine for a while), but I don't really see an alternative.
I think what this is really about is your own fear of rejection/abandonment. You're worried that you'll piss someone off and suffer an irreparable fracture in the relationship and that's something you can't really bear. So, you're looking for a system to help steer you away from that. This is really a question of "how do I trust that I can be myself, not offend anyone, and not get hurt by their absence/rejection?"
There's no guarantee you're not going to offend someone. Conflict isn't just the nature of relationship that are honest, but they're part of human life in general. In fact, they're a good part of interaction. People grow from honesty, even if it leads to conflict (e.g., therapy and resistance). I believe that the second part -- your sensitivity to absence/rejection -- can definitely be changed, but ironically, it takes self-trust to create that change.
Here's my advice: just do your best to be sincere. Do your best to listen. If you mess up, just apologize and smile. Your sincerity will be understood by most through your body language, and in the rare case that it isn't, you're still helping people more than hurting them. How so? By trying to intellectualize this whole process by keeping track of everyone's hot-spots, you'll just end up doing yourself, the person, and your relationship a disservice. Quality communication comes from honesty and spontaneity (check your own experiences) which is at the opposite end of intellectualization and thinking. It takes a while to retrain yourself, but you can take baby steps towards your goal, treating yourself with the same feelings of sincerity and attention you would offer another.