But what about demanding that person still be your friend? Like "omgz u bad person for not sticking by my side although I decided to end the more romantic aspects of our relationship." That's not about their own guilt. That's like trying to transfer their own guilt on to the other person.
Stuff like that. Or "you should be happy for me" if they start dating someone else. To me that's entirely narcissistic.
In fact, typically if someone is THAT taken with me, and I cannot return their feelings, I actually want away from them, because I don't want that energy continuing to be directed at me. It makes me uncomfortable to spend a great deal of time with someone who I know is sitting there WANTING ME if I have zero feelings in return. It can even feel icky, like I can feel their vibes wanting more from me.
It's better for everyone involved in a situation like that for people to take space from each other. And if you cannot do that, I seriously wonder if you're being honest when you say you have no feelings for that person you continue to maintain a closeness to...or if you're "using" them for your own ego, vanity, or what that friend does for you because they're in love with you (for example, doing you favors, or always being available at 3 AM if you need them).
Ah the magical ability of ENFPs to attract unwanted attention and potential lovers.
What is the secret I often wonder.
Yeah I love how someone will call someone else selfish for not doing what they wanted. "Hey yeah I want to completely devalue your feelings, but you should respect mine. It's much more convenient for me to rely on you for your constant, loyal companionship so that I'm not alone/bored/whatever rather than just make a new friend, so why not just hang out and behave yourself and be happy for me that I want to fuck other people."
YES. + 1 million.
This is so true for me as well! I think if they don't show any sign of being attracted to me, I can safely keep them at the "crush" level, and can really be happy for them if they find someone. The lack of clarity of where things are going is much harder to handle. If a guy shows interest in me, flirts, asks me to hang out, and I end up having feelings for him, especially if we have both 'acknowledged' this on some level, but if he then suddenly wants to 'be friends', it will drive me absolutely crazy. In this case, directly telling me it's not going to work and why will be helpful in the long run (if the friendship is going to survive).If I don't get the sense that someone has feelings for me, any feelings I have for them tend to die away...
[MENTION=10082]Starry[/MENTION]
I don't think anyone's trying to say the OP is trying to keep this guy around for her own amusement. But speaking from experience, I think it's way better to 'take some time apart' after you reject someone romantically than to keep on 'being friends and acting as nothing has happened'. In the long run, I think it makes it harder for the other person to move on if you're still hanging out with them, etc. (And of course when you start dating other people it will be like hell for your 'friend' who still has feelings for you)
I totally agree with this...also with your note that it's much stronger of an effect after relationships than after rejections.The INFJ just needs time to get over the feelings, which sometimes can take a while. In the meantime... for those X number of months, it's difficult to be around the person and try to be 'just friends', while knowing or seeing that person date other people or become involved romantically with others. It's probably why it's easier to cut them out completely for that interim, until feelings are worked through / no longer cause a stumbling block to true friendship. For me this has really only applies if I was actually in a relationship and it ended, but I suppose the same could apply for INFJ's who fall for someone and the relationship never happens? It seems odd on one level, but plausible.
I honestly wonder about people who continue platonically clinging to a person who they say they aren't interested in, although they know the other person is in love with them.
Why are you clinging to that person if you really don't feel anything? How come you can't move on with your own life if you have no feelings?
This is the point where I start to question if sometimes people confuse the "infatuation" stage of love (omg you're so hot, I can't keep my hands off you) with real, enduring love. Yeah, real enduring love isn't always as physically exciting. Grow up.
Clearly you've formed some kind of attachment to someone if you demand continuing companionship from someone you no longer feel those hormonal infatuation feelings for.
THIS IS WHY THE DIVORCE RATE IS SO HIGH.
/leaves thread
I was in no way implying the bolded at all! After reading [MENTION=7063]SilkRoad[/MENTION] 's post I'm a bit clearer on the subject as well. If there is open communication, then I'm perfectly fine. If the guy clearly states that nothing will happen and that he values our friendship, I can handle that and I can move on. It's only hell when he's confused and doesn't know what to do but decides to keep me around, especially when he acts as if he still has feelings for me. It's a bit strange that a lot of people don't realize the importance of open communication and prefer to 'see how it goes', which often leads to things getting weird and awkward...Thank you so much 21% for taking the time to answer my question in this thread. I really appreciate it. But yah...I guess I'm still a little confused and that's okay (this is certainly not an uncommon experience for me haha!!!). I mean...I do hear what your saying. And I believe the 'model' you outline above is the path that most people take in these type of circumstances (although I disagree that the only way to handle this is 'acting like nothing happened'. I've known couples who worked through these type of things by keeping the communication open and discussing feelings as they arise). I guess what was confusing me was the suggestion that it was the only valid way to handle these scenarios...or the 'better' choice...and that I just don't buy.
If there is someone in my life...that I cherish...and their greatest fault is that they don't like me romantically when I wanted a little bit more ??? Oh you'd be damn-straight that I'm going to (actively) work through my 'hurt' and continue the friendship with them. And I'm not all that fond of the 'hidden' suggestion that I can do this because my feelings are somehow not as profound or meaningful or deep. Nothing could be further from the truth. What I do is focus on the person...it is the person where I keep my focus...and in this way the storyline can change.
INFJs:
1 - if you were to fall in love with a friend, what is the best way for that friend to tell you she doesn't see a romantic future between the two of you? (short explanation? in person or written?) Matter-of-factly with no room for misinterpretation, but don't embarrass the other person if you can avoid it.
2 - have you ever tried pressuring someone into a relationship, by making yourself hyper-available/-accommodating or turning on the big saucer eyes? oblique/indirect displays of romantic feelings that may be difficult to pick up on? No, and I actually don't think this is a manipulative move. INFJs generally tend to be pretty accommodating, and when they like someone, they are indirect and just make themselves very ubiquitously available, almost in spite of themselves. I think this honestly is not an attempt to pressure you.
3 - if you are rejected by a friend, does that usually mean the end of the friendship?
No, but I think it takes time to get over feelings and it happens much sooner if stuff can be revisited as needed and questions answered. (Serves to douse the fire nicely and stamp out the remaining sparks when there's resolution. Ni sucks sometimes as it creates so many possibilities and questions and I have a hard time letting go of something until I have the variables accounted for and the possible outcomes of each determined. I know that I at least can often obsess about the whys or ifs, even more that I do about the whats.). Otherwise, it requires no contact for awhile so those unresolved questions can dwindle in importance or so that new possibilities are not introduced. Contact is like adding logs to the fire that you are trying to squelch.
I think there is definitely a divide between how Ps envision relationships (pretty fluid) vs how I do. I like people in my life to be categorized. I'll move them around as needed, but pretty soon after meeting anyone, I have an idea of what kind of potential there is for the friendship or relationship or what the nature of it might be. I like knowing what to expect and can adjust fairly well to any mode of relating, but I like it to be consistent and clear. I personally tend to be reluctant to cut anyone out of my life, unless they introduce something unredeemably negative. I don't like some types of change and tend to like keeping familiar people around, even those of little importance to me. For example, I would miss the people on my every day route (coffee shop regulars, people on the street, acquaintances at work, television characters) if they suddenly weren't there, even if they didn't occupy a significant role in my life. For those that are important to me or were at one time, I am generally sorry to see them exit my life entirely, even if their significance changes.
.
If there is someone in my life...that I cherish...and their greatest fault is that they don't like me romantically when I wanted a little bit more ??? Oh you'd be damn-straight that I'm going to (actively) work through my 'hurt' and continue the friendship with them. And I'm not all that fond of the 'hidden' suggestion that I can do this because my feelings are somehow not as profound or meaningful or deep. Nothing could be further from the truth. What I do is focus on the person...it is the person where I keep my focus...and in this way the storyline can change.