SilkRoad
Lay the coin on my tongue
- Joined
- May 26, 2009
- Messages
- 3,932
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 6w5
- Instinctual Variant
- sp/sx
I hope it goes well, SilkRoad.
I know the feeling of being someone's toxic waste dump. Recently I was having this problem where a friend was constantly dumping the same problems on me. She was a good friend, but what happens is when someone is in this kind of turmoil, I don't want to add to their stress by opening up about my problems. So the onesidedness begins. She, too, seemed to be resistant to changing her situation. It was only later that I found out part of the problem was that she was receiving conflicting messages. She was also confiding in someone who has a toxic personality and who, through her influence and counsel, was prolonging my friends problems. Now that person is out of the picture and things are much better, our friendship is in balance again and my friend has dealt with her problem and is very happy.
It is so hard. Sometimes people may be wanting us to open up to them, and they are trying to invite it by spilling their troubles. But sadly its true, people exist that just want what Cascade described, to use someone else solely to dump on. I knew a girl like this whose main activity was being in a fight with someone in our circle of friends so she could kvetch about them with supposed justification. After the target would capitulate she would choose a new target. Finally, I felt compelled to doorslam this person because I saw the writing on the wall and knew it was a matter of time. The pure ugliness of the whole situation was very hard for me to cope with.
I hope it doesn't sound like I think the answer to every problem is to cut someone from your life, that is far from the truth. I know hard it really is. I really hope that your friendships endure and improve.
Thanks. yes, sometimes there are also outside influences you don't really know about. I have also found that sometimes when people vent to you, they are telling you absolutely everything about certain aspects of their life or how they feel about something, but there's a whole other area they're keeping quite hidden from you which is actually very related. That just confuses everything even more.
I hope my friend takes what I've said to him ok. He might get mad because he can get quite immature when his feelings are hurt. I am bracing myself for that. Or he might just get very cold and withdrawn. I'm sort of hoping for the best that even if he first reacts really badly, or if there is some distancing between us, he goes away and thinks about it a bit when he calms down and we can be closer again when he has some things sorted out. I do know that he's the type of person who doesn't do much self-examination unless he has a shock or there is an immediate threat that he's going to lose something, like an important friendship. Although I did emphasize that I want to stay his friend and that's actually why I'm telling him all this, but I really wouldn't be that surprised if he takes it badly
I know there are all kinds of different friendships out there. You may have some friends who you spend more time having fun with, others who you have more intellectual discussions with, others who you discuss your emotions and problems with. A mix of all of those is by far the best and healthiest but most friendships will be more weighted in some direction or other.
But one thing I know about myself for sure, partly through painful experience and partly through studying personality and typology and the like, is that I have to be more assertive about my own needs, and to tell friends when they are trespassing on inappropriate areas, using me, etc. It is sometimes essential to talk to people, even if it's hard and painful, before all the resentment and damage buildings up and explodes.