[Type 1] Ones: Why is your anger "wrong"?

[Also]

Why do you hold your anger in? Why is it "wrong" for you to do so? It's a basic component of being a 1, that you be ashamed of your anger, but what exactly is the principle behind it?

I simply can't be bothered. I usually think that 50% of my anger is justified, even over little things like someone moving around my stuff after I've told them not to do so. I can't imagine that my adult life would be prodcutive if I were to allow myself to act on my anger every time I felt it. It's more of a mental storm that needs to be worked out, so expressing every angry thought and feeling would be inviting unneeded attention and intervention (sometimes) from the very people/things that caused my anger to awaken in the first place. Also, the idea that my anger can overshadow the actual issue is vomit-worthy. I'm not willing to come across as biased or incompetent just to allow anger to flow through me. I would much rather tear down the wall that's causing problems and I view that path as a long and calculated process.

I keep myself on a short leash, self-discipline is a passion for me. The idea of popping off about something based on pure raw emotion is sickening and so so wrong on so many levels. It's also a "speck-log" issue. If I'm operating on my emotions and that leads me to rant about the speck in your eye, that leaves me open for criticism about the log in my eye. I have to be sure that my anger is justified, logical, that it's sound and impersonal.

Follow-up question: Presumably a big part of your answer to the above question would be "Because letting out my anger would be losing control, and I never lose control". If that is the case, where do you draw the anger line, between being in control of your anger and not being in control of your anger? How angry do you let yourself be, before it embarrasses you?

The leash is very short so I don't suffer from embarrassment often. I typically run on cold anger, rarely will I have an outburst or a shouting match. For the most part, I build a case against people/things/beliefs and thankfully, that takes time, research, etc. In the meantime, I try to bite my tongue.

I have little tolerance for passive aggressive high school bs or snark of any kind so if I were to stoop to that level, I would feel embarrassed and ashamed. I don't have an issue with delayed gratification so I can be patient and in control so long as the itch gets scratched in the end.

 

[Masokissed]

1s like to think their anger is right.

 

[á´…eparted]

1s like to think their anger is right.

It often can be. Not as frequently as we think it is, but often enough that we're willing to engage it.

 

[EJCC]

1s like to think their anger is right.

^ Basically. Because if it's not right, then it's wrong, and being wrong is the worst thing ever. Being a 1 means living with a huge amount of cognitive dissonance related to that, from day to day.

 

[uumlau]

What if anger being "right" or "wrong" is a false dichotomy? What if it just is? You know, like a hurricane?

 

[á´…eparted]

What if anger being "right" or "wrong" is a false dichotomy? What if it just is? You know, like a hurricane?

My anger always has a basis. I have never experienced anger without any sort of reason before. Since there is a reason, the reason can have varying degrees of right and wrong, thus justifying or unjustifying the anger.

 

[EJCC]

What if anger being "right" or "wrong" is a false dichotomy? What if it just is? You know, like a hurricane?

Out of line. Only 1s are allowed to preach in 1-centric threads.

 

[Brains]

Not the least bit of offense taken . Honestly, I've recently learned a good chunk of my feelings is due to the fact that I'm bipolar (as the level to which I feel and how strongly I feel is not normal, apparently). Even if that is accounted for I still have a lot. I'm not sure if I'll ever level off since they're so linked to my motivation drive and understanding of the world. The best I can do is try to allow it in more measured doses, and in some paradoxical way allow myself to feel more. I think the ultimate goal for a lot of 1's is to not just control our feelings, but choose which ones even come to us in the first place, and it takes a looooong time to get to that sort of space. It's sort of what integrating to 7 is all about in a strange way.

I wouldn't advise to choose but to just develop yourself, find sources of contentment in your life, and understand why things work out the way they do, mechanically. When you have understanding and a good mindset, outrage simply doesn't come. It's not about choosing. It's understanding what is unchangeable, what the unchangeable is like, and finding some form of personal fulfillment.

Also important to just accept whatever feelings you have as fact. There is no unacceptable feeling, there are feelings that can be silly to feel in retrospect and it's good to note those - it'll change perspective in the long term - but the primary goal is to not stamp down on experiencing the emotions yourself. Experience thoroughly, enact with a bit of reason mixed in, something like that. But never condemn feeling the feeling itself.

 

[Magic Poriferan]

Expressing anger is disruptive. It always comes at a cost. It can be justified, like any cost could potentially be justified. But if it is not, then you're causing problems for yourself and other people without getting anything worthwhile in return. At its most basic, doing the wrong thing is always about sustaining a cost without a compensatory benefit. This not only makes unjustified angry wrong, then, it makes a person who does not go through due diligence to avoid it seem to have a flawed character, that is to say one with a propensity for doing the wrong thing.

 

[Virtual ghost]

^ Basically. Because if it's not right, then it's wrong, and being wrong is the worst thing ever. Being a 1 means living with a huge amount of cognitive dissonance related to that, from day to day.

Well, it is not easy to be 1.
On one side you have 7 and on the other 4. Therefore no matter what you do you will eventually go crazy.

 

[Boogie man]

I am considering type 1 for myself, so I figured I might as well answer these questions, even if just to see to what extent the type runs through me.

So, my question for fellow 1s is: Why do you hold your anger in? Why is it "wrong" for you to do so? It's a basic component of being a 1, that you be ashamed of your anger, but what exactly is the principle behind it?

If I were to let out my anger, I'm sure it'd feel great in the moment, and I'm also sure that I'd be raging till the end of times. I often perceive my anger as too severe and intense to let it out over (almost) nothing. The amount of anger I have is not in proportion with whatever set it off in the first place. I just can't justify it to myself.

It's often very unnecessary and me running around ranting and criticizing everything wouldn't help anyone. In fact, most of the time it'd only make things worse.

It also doesn't help that I have a constant anger lingering and simmering in the background anyway. Like I said, if I were to just let it out without filter, I'd be angry all of the time.

Another reason is that I don't enjoy being criticized myself or being given unwanted 'advice.' Often I will have thought of these things myself already, so others bringing them up is just painful redundancy. And I sure as hell don't want to make others feel this way either. I don't want them to see me as someone who has nothing to offer but criticism.

I also don't want to burden others with the weight of criticism and anger. I don't want people to have to walk on eggshells around me. I want them to feel like they can just be themselves with me, flaws and all, and I don't want to push people away because of petty concerns.

Follow-up question: Presumably a big part of your answer to the above question would be "Because letting out my anger would be losing control, and I never lose control". If that is the case, where do you draw the anger line, between being in control of your anger and not being in control of your anger? How angry do you let yourself be, before it embarrasses you?

That rests entirely on how justified I feel about expressing it.

I don't at all feel embarrassed about feeling the anger in and of itself, no matter how intense, as long as I keep it to myself.. for my own 'enjoyment.'
But when it comes to expressing it, that's a very different story.

I can -and do- vent a lot to people I'm intimate with, they help me release some of the pressure that I'm always building. But I struggle a lot with showing anger to anyone else. I still haven't found the 'sweet spot' between keeping it in, and letting it out, and in what 'volume' to let it out, and how to channel it properly without over- or under-doing it, and... Talk about a balancing act..

Full on outbursts of anger are extremely rare, and it takes a damn long time of building the resentment for me to reach that boiling point. So when I do, you can bet I'll feel 100% justified in raging against them. Pushing me to this point at all is justification enough for me to feel.. justified.. in my raging outburst, all because of how extreme the offense has to be to get me there in the first place.

 

[kirsten]

I think it's because I need to see myself as an essentially fair person. Getting angry at someone would be unfair towards them, because obviously they didn't know any better, or else they wouldn't have done it.... Instead, I should calmly explain why they were wrong and give them a chance to make it better. I mean, usually, they actually did know better and just chose to do something wrong on purpose, or just didn't care... but I tend to assume people would do the right thing if they knew what it was. I've been realizing this isn't the case more and more the older I get.

 

[Fidelia]

I'm realizing more and more that the stuff I haven't processed in some physical or active, conscious manner has ended up affecting me physically and also sapped my emotional reserves. It's like having a huge water bill for constantly running water to fill the tub, but not realizing that the tub has no plug in the drain.

I thought because I've dealt withy emotions rationally and talked about them that I was done, but it's not enough. I think it's got to be some physical vent like exercise or tears (which I'm mostly out of) to reduce held in tension, plus trying to be more selective about where my emotional energy is spent and strengthening my physical and emotional reserves so I don't get completely depleted. It's like I've been in a constant state of overdraft for a very long time.

 

[greenfairy]

Now I'm curious about this. I intend to read the whole thread, but before I do I will list my thoughts.

I'm pretty sure my gut center is 1. I have never really had a problem with feeling anger, just with expressing it. I'm quite sure I'm not 8 fixed- it's always near the bottom of my scores. I just feel like I couldn't be 9 because I always know when I'm angry and don't try to suppress it, and the detachment from anger is pretty much the essence of 9. But you are saying 1's suppress it too? I suppress my expression because too much aggression scares me, like yelling and physical violence and all that. Which is either probably not type related or due to being a 6. And/or having a 9 wing. But beyond that I have somehow internalized all the societal messages that expressing anger will alienate everyone around you and is generally socially inappropriate. That along with the fact that being a double reactive type (641) whenever I have an emotional reaction to something I can be sure it is an overreaction. So I suppress it because I obsessively want to find the truth of the situation so I know how much is an overreaction, how much I really understand the situation, and ask other people whether I have a "right" to be angry. If I overreact in an angry outburst, which still happens, I feel like kind of a bad or mean person, and ashamed that I don't have a good grip on reality <-- imperfect.

It's just a gut center fix, but does this resonate with any 1's?

 

[á´…eparted]

I'm realizing more and more that the stuff I haven't processed in some physical or active, conscious manner has ended up affecting me physically and also sapped my emotional reserves. It's like having a huge water bill for constantly running water to fill the tub, but not realizing that the tub has no plug in the drain.

I thought because I've dealt withy emotions rationally and talked about them that I was done, but it's not enough. I think it's got to be some physical vent like exercise or tears (which I'm mostly out of) to reduce held in tension, plus trying to be more selective about where my emotional energy is spent and strengthening my physical and emotional reserves so I don't get completely depleted. It's like I've been in a constant state of overdraft for a very long time.

I largely agree with this. Though I have found that seeking and doing physical releases don't help in the long run. More than anything they simply hit the pause button for things I have held in. Same thing with socializing which is usually my go-to for defragmenting and letting things go. Ultimately I have to address the root issues causing me to hold things in beyond my capacity in order to alleviate the tension.

Through talking with my therapist she's pointed out to me that I treat emotions as purely rational and irrational logic concepts, and that's simply not how they work. The result is emotions aren't properly felt or addressed, and that adds up over time. It then comes out in chaotic/confusing/uncontrolled ways. I wouldn't be surprised if that's a common theme with 1's. You sort of just have to be present and sit with emotions. Considering 1's strive for immense self-control, it is very very counter-intuitive since such things are often approached as something to be conquer/surmounted, not something to allow being felt and be out of control of.

Because of that, finding a physical release really don't address the problem. More than anything it presses the pause button so you have time to re-group and re-address things. It's like a snack really. It quells/satisfies for a period of time, but doesn't help the long term.

 

[Fidelia]

Interesting. What if you do both the physical part AND the sitting with them part? What does sitting with your emotions look like with you? I've tried, but I get bored waiting. What is supposed to happen? How do you know when you are done? I know this sounds like I'm being skeptical, but they really are sincere questions.

 

[EJCC]

I see it as a bit like stretching -- you stretch out a tense muscle until it stops feeling tense and only feels relaxing, and then you move on. I don't meditate, but I approach meditative activities this way. Clear your mind and just sort of non-judgmentally accept whatever feelings bubble to the surface, until they stop bubbling up.

That being said, if you have too many of those feelings, the "bubbling up" process can be extremely overwhelming. I know this from experience.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Curious.

What 1s actually do when they are angry but decide not to explode ? You go for a walk, do something that has to be done, play a video game ...... ?

 

[á´…eparted]

Curious.

What 1s actually do when they are angry but decide not to explode ? You go for a walk, do something that has to be done, play a video game ...... ?

I swallow it. For better for worse I am quite good at holding it in. Nothing really does the trick except for fixing the source (I can stay angry at someone/something permanently). At most I'll vent about my source of anger to someone and that helps it sit, but it doesn't make the feeling go away.

 

[SD45T-2]

Why is my anger "wrong"? I'm guessing it has something to do with my mom always telling me it is, pretty much from the time I was born to the present day.