[INFJ] Maybe I'm not meant for Earth

[Asdlax]

Well, for starters, I'm a 1w2 INFJ. I long for deep, meaningful relationships. I'm often disappointed at how shallow and bland many people are. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't meant for this world because it doesn't appear to have what I am looking for. I yearn for a friend, someone like myself, who can speak to me on the same wavelength, who can inspire me, who can show me that the world isn't only full of trashy people. I want to feel understood, unalone, reciprocated. Is that too much? I just want to feel like I belong, around people of my own kind. I'm tired of being let down. The more relationships I form, the more intense my loneliness becomes. It only highlights how I really don't belong here. Yes, I have tried talking to other INFJs but we somehow always manage to drift apart maybe because we "bore" each other out with our striking similarities? Honestly makes me sad how I'm ironically more attracted to people who are different than me in several major aspects, then get hurt.

I'm worried my loneliness and pain will only continue to grow as time passes by. I've been battling with depression and bipolar2 ever since a very young age due to dysfunctional family, narcissistic mother and history of abuse, as well as bullying. All in all, I truly feel like a bird in a world of foxes.. yet tries to make the world a better place. And I hate how I cannot make a significant contribution. (I know there are other INFJs who probably also feel the same way considering how uncommon inspiring humans are in the world and how prone we are to emotional distress).. Sometimes I wish I could turn off my emotions, they're just too much. I want the pain gone, I wish I could be more detached and aloof like my INTP friend. The world is just turning all of my strength points into weakness. The thought sometimes cross my mind to become the monsters that hurt me if that means I won't have to suffer anymore. But at the same time, that is against my strong values. I don't really want to change myself. I respect who I am and I actually love myself. For five years now, my non-existence has become my salvation. I long for the day I no longer feel pain, no longer overthink, no longer feel unrequited, and achieve eternal peace, the seemingly ultimate happiness. Why does it have to be so hard just being? It's tough enough being an INFJ and I'm also a type 1w2 at the same time (anyone else?).. sorry. I'd probably regret creating this thread soon. Ah. *facepalm*

I really appreciate it if anybody read until the end and I apologise if this seems very out of place. I have noticed how most discussions are over the theories and functions of 16 personalities and here I am with my sentimental concerns..

 

[IndigoViolet11]

Just wondering, are you a young child or on your 20s, 30s etc. Just want to know because I want to see whether you are at an early stage of personal development or whether you are already a bit advanced and got something a bit more concrete. Introduce yourself too, what you do and what you are facing that made you feel shallow and misunderstood.

Here's how I look at it though - many people feel misunderstood this way or that way that it is a part of life so normal, and a very depressing fact to us humans. That include understanding ourselves. It depends though, the degree of the misunderstanding vary from human to human. Unfortunately to a lot of humans out there, they would rather stay shallow and give up. Those who don't, are those who are aiming for the very gem of the essence of our own spirit, and that is very rare indeed.

 

[Asdlax]

Actually purposely tried to avoid full intro but ok. My name is Robert. I'm turning 21 this year.

To clarify, I never mentioned about feeling shallow. I said, in my opinion many people are. And while people do misunderstand my intents sometimes but it doesn't bother me as much as how I rarely ever feel reciprocated. When I mentioned 'different wavelength', I mean a lot of people seem to communicate and live very differently. And that bothers me a lot because I've yet to meet anybody who share the same goal, values and idealism. Being type 1w2, I set a very high expectation from people, especially myself. And it's ruined my relationship before because my ex ENTP couldn't take constructive criticisms well, and we broke up. I really loved her and she wished she had understood that I mean well when I point out her mistakes and offered my assistance. I wanted to help, I want us to grow better together towards the path of endless self improvement. Anyways, I've kinda gotten passed that sad state. This is just an example among many. My current INTP bestfriend is emotionally detached and him being the closest person I have in my life does take a huge damage on me. I can't really focus on many relationships at once so I keep my friends close and manageable. Quality over quantity. The thing is, it just doesn't quite work out well with him. Maybe I need to find a more mature friend, or heck, someone who can emotionally be there for me. But really? It's not at all that simple. It was the deepest friendship I have ever had with anybody and I couldn't seem to let him go. To be honest, I also don't have much energy to start from scratch with strangers. I try but I know it won't work unless I completely leave this INTP which I still cannot afford right now.

I enjoy drawing, I was supposed to leave abroad for an Animation degree in college, but I couldn't go due to family issues. Things have only gone downhill since then. I attempted suicide once, and failed. I still think about it sometimes but I don't plan on making a second attempt outside sudden impulses. I suffer from bipolar2 which is mainly severe depression and a smaller portion of hypomanic episodes. I used to be on medication but stopped. I plan on seeing my psychiatrist again, hopefully sometime soon, as the meds helped organise my sleeping pattern. Without, I could oversleep as long as 16 hours without interruption, and as short as 3 hours a day. Despite having bipolar, I don't have any problem with my anger management. I always have a good reason if I get irritated. It's just the depression and moodswings from happy-sad, back and forth that is unbearable. It's like riding an emotional roller coaster everyday, waking up not knowing if you're gonna feel ecstatic or destroyed. I like taking morning strolls and enjoy the fresh air and nature when I have the chance but lately it hasn't done much.

If there is anything specific you'd like to know, fire away.

 

[kirsten]

I'm really sorry you're going through this, I can definitely relate to not feeling like I have the support of friends around me... It doesn't help that I grew up in a situation that didn't really give me a strong community to fall into. Sometimes your family/ community situation can really screw you over.

For me, though I realized the reason I didn't have a lot of friends is because I don't go through the hard work of making friends. I like to be on my own so much and I find it so hard to relate to people, that a lot of the time I just leave friendships on a pretty shallow level. But it's not because I don't know cool people. I've never really thought that there was anything wrong with the people around me. On the contrary, I try to see the good in people and I try to see how I could relate to whoever I'm with. It's just that it's hard to get there.
You said,
"I yearn for a friend, someone like myself, who can speak to me on the same wavelength, who can inspire me, who can show me that the world isn't only full of trashy people. "
The world isn't full of trashy people, believe me. Good people are out there. It seems like you have really high expectations for friendship, like maybe you want friends to complete you, make you a whole person? Other people can't complete you, though, they can't be the whole world to you. You have to complete yourself. I hesitate to say this because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if you find everyone around you to be "trashy" or not worth talking to, maybe you have to change something about the way you are acting.
But, I know you also mentioned a really hard family situation as well as depression and bipolar, which are things I can't really relate to, so maybe I'm not qualified to give advice.
Anyways, I suggest really looking for the good and the relateable in the people you know instead of just dismissing people as not being good enough for you.

Oh, also, as a fellow INFJ, I find that I have a really hard time communicating with people and being on the same wavelength. It seems like people always misunderstand what I mean, and I misunderstand them in return. This might be why you think a lot of people are shallow... because you're not communicating with them very well.
For me, I've always internally tried to find the most precise language to describe my thoughts and feelings to myself, but this language doesn't match up with the conventional uses of language that everyone else uses to communicate. Even though my feelings and thoughts make sense to me, I can't communicate them to others... and I remember a handful of times my ISFP best friend took some complicated thing I was trying to communicate and was like "you mean you feel ____?" and it was totally simple and just made complete sense. Sensors know how to translate their inner thoughts into conventional languages, while Intuitives struggle with that, I think. Just because we don't think in conventional language, or because we resist using it because it seems inadequate. But try to use it as much as possible, because it will make you feel more real to others, and ultimately probably more real to yourself.

#justmy2cents and I apologize if anything I said was off-base on a misinterpretation of what you wrote...
If you want to talk more, PM me!

 

[Asdlax]

"The world isn't full of trashy people, believe me. Good people are out there. It seems like you have really high expectations for friendship, like maybe you want friends to complete you, make you a whole person? Other people can't complete you, though, they can't be the whole world to you. You have to complete yourself. I hesitate to say this because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but if you find everyone around you to be "trashy" or not worth talking to, maybe you have to change something about the way you are acting."

It appears you have assumed a little too much about me here and there. No I donot expect people to complete me. Just like you, I like being alone as well. But I want more than just security. I want to care for someone and be cared in return. I want to have an amazing relationship with the people I love. I want a true friend, I want a meaningful life. That is all.

I act very appropriately, and people always mistreated me, so I'm not sure what you are trying to imply there. I would give one and they only give half. I hope you realise that everyone lives in different environments.

"Oh, also, as a fellow INFJ, I find that I have a really hard time communicating with people and being on the same wavelength. It seems like people always misunderstand what I mean, and I misunderstand them in return. This might be why you think a lot of people are shallow... because you're not communicating with them very well.
For me, I've always internally tried to find the most precise language to describe my thoughts and feelings to myself, but this language doesn't match up with the conventional uses of language that everyone else uses to communicate. Even though my feelings and thoughts make sense to me, I can't communicate them to others... and I remember a handful of times my ISFP best friend took some complicated thing I was trying to communicate and was like "you mean you feel ____?" and it was totally simple and just made complete sense. Sensors know how to translate their inner thoughts into conventional languages, while Intuitives struggle with that, I think. Just because we don't think in conventional language, or because we resist using it because it seems inadequate. But try to use it as much as possible, because it will make you feel more real to others, and ultimately probably more real to yourself."

Again, another one. This is why I feel very lonely. Whenever I mentioned INFJ people always assume I am not honest enough to myself or this and that. While I do fit a lot of stereotypical INFJ traits, I've graduated from lots of the negative sides for several years now. I was very private and quiet back then even if I wanted to approach a person, I was too shy. Well no more. I'm done with all that. I'm also done with whitelies "because I don't want to hurt people's emotions". I learn that honesty is best, and I personally would rather be killed by brutal honesty than sweet lies. So please, don't judge and make too much assumptions about someone you don't know simply because they identify as a certain type, it is unwise and can potentially cause unintended offenses.

So in regards to your quote above, no. Quite the contrary it's my INTP best friend that doesn't communicate himself well. He is emotionally detached, which frankly has run our friendship on a rocky hill. He tends to speak in his own language. Really bad with phrasings I must say. He once told me he likes me more than as friends, suggesting that he had romantic feelings for me. And really? The way he said it, anyone would have thought the same-- well except him.

At one time he also said that he wouldn't miss my messages, but he did it again, and again and again. His apologies were empty words. Yet he claimed I'm the most important person in his life. As much as I want to believe it, if he really cared, he would've kept his promises and stop feeding me false hopes while toying with my feelings. Putting effort into relationships just didn't come to him naturally. I just wish we could go along well without hurting each other. Really, I have a very very bad luck with people, so have several people told me. I always seem to meet people that bruise me, mislead me, and whatnot.

I do appreciate your comment, I know you're just trying to help and offer solutions and maybe a new perspective but allow me to emphasise this: I'm a 1w2 INFJ. I self-introspect a lot. If I ever make a mistake, trust me- I WOULD KNOW. and I likely hate it more than anyone else would. I am very disciplined with myself. I know perfection is an impossible goal but with my perfectionistic nature, I always give my best anyways, and you can count on me on that. I never miss out on my flaws and blunders. I always notice them and even as I forgive myself, I never forget.

 

[Norrsken]

I was convinced at a younger age that I am a humanoid extra terrestrial and that my race of people will come to Earth someday to take me back home. That obviously never happened, but part of that loneliness and existential crisis still lingers inside of me. The only advice I can give you is to lower your expectations of other people and try not to take what they say or do so personally. Sometimes, its not you, its them and their own issues that prevents them from being the best friend or lover that they can be for you and you can't do much about it except be the best person you can be for yourself. People like you exist, you just have to be patient and find the diamonds in the rough.

 

[Fidelia]

I am also a 1 w2 infj but I don't think it makes it impossible for us to have blindspots about ourselves or about what we are doing that attracts certain types of people to us, or that creates results we don't like. I'm almost 40 and I find that the more people I get to know,the more I not only understand myself better, but I also see certain patterns emerge. Through interacting with people unlike myself, I've learned a lot about processing emotions and what is or isn't working for me that I wasn't aware of before. So even the disappointing experiences you mention haven't been a waste as long as you use them to inform you.

I agree tgat it's hard to find people that you can truly be close to. I wonder if it's maybe better to recognize that there won't ever be a one stop shop sort of person who will completely understand you or see things through your eyes and that many friendships are good for a time, but can't be sustained forever.

I know that i tend to initially look at the world in terms of what things are not, instead of what they are. Maybe the trick is to see what each person you meet does have that you could learn from or benefit from, rather than what they don't have. All together, you get a bunch of bits that enrich your perspective and your world.

You are dealing with a lot of stuff all at the same time, both past and present, as well as being in a stage of life that is very fluctuating and uncertain, so it's not surprising it feels a bit hard right now. You also have sustained losses. It's easy to become more and more rigid, the more out of control you feel ( I'm not saying you are, but it is an infj tendency under stress). I know that in the times I've done that, it's made adapting even more difficult and hopeless feeling.

Just as a friendly caution, advice threads like this, while good in theory, can be very frustrating to infjs because people don't always listen the way you'd wish, are inaccurate in their assessmebts, or create more emotional noise to wade through. It's no one's fault, but historically infjs have a hard time navigating this sort of format in a useful way. Often less voices at a time are more helpful.

I wish you luck in finding what you are looking for connection wise.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

Go back to your doctor, get on your meds. Also, it never hurts to simultaneously see a counselor during the first two years of meds. This helped me integrate how to cope with meds and the differences in how I "coped" without them. Meds alone is so difficult and lonely. It helps to talk to someone to make sense of the changes that are taking place in you, physically, emotionally and mentally.

This is coming from me, a bipolar II person diagnosed over 10 years ago.

Everything else you're saying? It's important but that is paramount. For your well being, health. I had the same sleep patterns, lied to my doctors, stopped taking meds....ended up in a hospital under a suicide watch.

Please, please...you will see that you need to STAY on them.

I know it is hard when everything feels fine and the meds make you feel...not yourself but you have to push through. You can do it

 

[Asdlax]

@Forsaken: "I was convinced at a younger age that I am a humanoid extra terrestrial and that my race of people will come to Earth someday to take me back home. That obviously never happened, but part of that loneliness and existential crisis still lingers inside of me. The only advice I can give you is to lower your expectations of other people and try not to take what they say or do so personally. Sometimes, its not you, its them and their own issues that prevents them from being the best friend or lover that they can be for you and you can't do much about it except be the best person you can be for yourself. People like you exist, you just have to be patient and find the diamonds in the rough."

Oh wow, that was very empathetic, glad someone could relate. Yes I've been working on my self-improvement. I know I cannot change people and the only person I have control over is myself, automatically self-introspection and correction are the usual everyday things for me. And I do, I try to lower my expectations yet I also want to be able to give my full attention and love without feeling unrequited, cheated, betrayed. It hurts when I just want to be myself but is impossible because I need to limit how much I give in order to keep my sanity and feelings from getting abused. I have so much love and it doesn't have anywhere (save)to go.

@Fidelia: "I am also a 1 w2 infj but I don't think it makes it impossible for us to have blindspots about ourselves or about what we are doing that attracts certain types of people to us, or that creates results we don't like."

Aye, I'm already aware of that. I noticed how I tend to look at people's potential and not what they really are. And truthfully? I don't view it as a bad thing. It's beautiful. The only problem lies in the pain of betrayed idealism- triggered by UN-willingness of loved ones towards self improvement. Which in result, never fail to tear me apart. People have their reasons but it still boggles my mind how they could deny their wrongs and refuse to self-improve.. their shame, pride, formed in past experiences, leading to escapism are possible culprits. Still, it is hard to digest. I'm not asking for much actually. I just want a decent companion. Someone like me, and I'm not asking for more than I can afford and reciprocate. So I often find it unfair and painful to live like this. If I had to summarise the kind of person I am looking for, I'd like to have a mature person in my life that cares. I don't think that's over the top if you ask me. My ex ENTP gave me a silent treatment for two-three months, and dated another guy while we were still together because she couldn't take constructive feedback and my offer to grow better together.. -basically cheating. I mean, like, come on? I'm not asking for a perfect human being but THAT? What did I do to deserve that? as though coincidentally being born in a fucked up family wasn't torturing enough.. Thankfully, I respect myself enough to not tolerate any further mistreatment and cut her off. Really hate walking out of a relationship with bad aftertaste, but I just suck it up :l It's just ridiculous how I always seem to manage to meet and grow fond of unknowingly toxic, unhealthy people. Really wouldn't have hurt anywhere as much if I didn't get attached in the first place. Love amplifies all of the pain in the world.

@MDP2525 "Go back to your doctor, get on your meds. Also, it never hurts to simultaneously see a counselor during the first two years of meds. This helped me integrate how to cope with meds and the differences in how I "coped" without them. Meds alone is so difficult and lonely. It helps to talk to someone to make sense of the changes that are taking place in you, physically, emotionally and mentally.This is coming from me, a bipolar II person diagnosed over 10 years ago. Everything else you're saying? It's important but that is paramount. For your well being, health. I had the same sleep patterns, lied to my doctors, stopped taking meds....ended up in a hospital under a suicide watch.Please, please...you will see that you need to STAY on them. I know it is hard when everything feels fine and the meds make you feel...not yourself but you have to push through. You can do it"

As mentioned earlier, That is the plan. Medications are expensive here and initially I didn't want to spend money over something that didn't quite help outside fixing my sleeping pattern. but I'll give it another shot and see how it goes.

------

Thanks, for your comments everyone.

 

[Forever]

I've been in your place before but really you can't expect people to fit your expectations and it's not worth it to endlessly try to find someone that gets you. Sorry to sound quite frank about it but it's all too common to see INFJ's complain about this as even I did.

This forum can help you practice and connect with other types as well, so don't get too hung up about it! You'll learn that you're really more similar to other people than you think are now.

Hang in there.

 

[StarFollowed]

Man, I relate a lot of your post, although I'm an ENFP. I've been battling with Bipolar Type 1 and we have to navigate our own highs and lows along with the highs and lows of life, and it gets hard.

I do think it's worth it to find someone that gets you, despite what [MENTION=19719]Forever[/MENTION] has said. The people who get you are out there. I have met them, and when I did it was a relief that I wasn't the only one who felt like an outsider.

If you want, you can PM me.

 

[Forever]

Man, I relate a lot of your post, although I'm an ENFP. I've been battling with Bipolar Type 1 and we have to navigate our own highs and lows along with the highs and lows of life, and it gets hard.

I do think it's worth it to find someone that gets you, despite what [MENTION=19719]Forever[/MENTION] has said. The people who get you are out there. I have met them, and when I did it was a relief that I wasn't the only one who felt like an outsider.

If you want, you can PM me.

If you're going to belittle what I said, I ask you that you not tag me.

 

[StarFollowed]

If you're going to belittle what I said, I ask you that you not tag me.

I wasn't belittling what you said. Just offering my opinion.

 

[Forever]

I wasn't belittling what you said. Just offering my opinion.

Why do I need to be mentioned though? It's not like I haven't thought of the opposite.

You are free to believe whatever you believe but if you're not going to directly reply and state why explicitly other than to make my opinion look bad and you the better, I just don't like that. It's just rude.

 

[Asdlax]

Forever: "Sorry to sound quite frank about it but it's all too common to see INFJ's complain about this as even I did. "

Yes I've believed so. And sorry to sound quite frank but so what? That remark was unnecessarily said imo. Does it invalid my pain or emotions? Is it wrong to post this simply because a lot of other INFJs have? Sorry if that didn't impress you but it was never my intention to amuse anybody nor be a hipster by creating this thread. The purpose was not to follow a trend nor the crowd neither. It's never about originality, but authenticity. Big difference. I really do feel this way and I'm trying to reach out to people. People are free to express their concerns even if the same concern has been 'repeated' a thousand times before by someone else. Lastly, realising there are other people who also feel lonely doesn't quite make us feel much less lonely. Last bit of your comment were greatly appreciated, however.
_____

Starfollowed: "Man, I relate a lot of your post, although I'm an ENFP. I've been battling with Bipolar Type 1 and we have to navigate our own highs and lows along with the highs and lows of life, and it gets hard. I do think it's worth it to find someone that gets you, despite what [MENTION=19719]Forever[/MENTION] has said. The people who get you are out there. I have met them, and when I did it was a relief that I wasn't the only one who felt like an outsider. If you want, you can PM me."

Thank you. I do think that it may be easier to just accept the fact that there is no such person for me. Yet all the while, I'd also lose a big portion of purpose to stay alive which would screw me up real bad, so I appreciate that you encourage a positive mindset. I'll just try to focus on what I have right now and not think too much about the future. I'm really glad to hear that you've found those people.

 

[Norrsken]

Oh wow, that was very empathetic, glad someone could relate. Yes I've been working on my self-improvement. I know I cannot change people and the only person I have control over is myself, automatically self-introspection and correction are the usual everyday things for me. And I do, I try to lower my expectations yet I also want to be able to give my full attention and love without feeling unrequited, cheated, betrayed. It hurts when I just want to be myself but is impossible because I need to limit how much I give in order to keep my sanity and feelings from getting abused. I have so much love and it doesn't have anywhere (save)to go.

I definitely get it. Ever since I was little, I gave myself away, emotionally, to everybody and anybody who never deserved it. My heart and hope was shattered more times than I can count; it was mostly my hope in the person that would get dashed whenever they decide to debase themselves to otherwise selfish, hedonistic, or philistinism set of actions when I knew they were much more than that. Unfortunately, people are going to decide what they want to do at the end of the day, and I can't stop them no matter how hard I tried. My perfectionism has blinded me, and it still does today, that my relationships with others won't always be rosy even though my deepest desire is to find a friendship with someone that is so deep and so pure, that this sort of thing won't happen to me.

Tell you what, you have such a big heart, that it should go to people and the places that are more than happy to take your kindness: volunteering. It could pay you some money, it may not pay you anything, but it will give you major emotional and spiritual rewards for being there. Go volunteer at the soup kitchen. Sign up to become a suicide hotline assistant. Pay a part of your income to charities you strongly believe in. Visit the animal shelter and ask, "What can I do to help?". INFJ people are usually found in these hospitable careers and activities that exercise their vast sympathy for mankind, and its for a good reason! It is just as you said.. we have so much love to give that it physically hurts to keep it all in. We have to let that go somewhere, but in a way that is healthy and won't reject or hurt you in return.

I hope I helped some.

 

[PeaceBaby]

If I ever make a mistake, trust me- I WOULD KNOW. and I likely hate it more than anyone else would. I am very disciplined with myself. I know perfection is an impossible goal but with my perfectionistic nature, I always give my best anyways, and you can count on me on that. I never miss out on my flaws and blunders. I always notice them and even as I forgive myself, I never forget.

So many thinking patterns of young INFJs in your posts. You won't know all of your mistakes, just as you feel alone in yourself right now, believe you give 100% and others only give 50%, think that others aren't living up to their potential ... you don't recognize those as patterns yet either, patterns in your beliefs that are at best unhelpful. Read some threads here, start to see how you're not so isolated in your thinking, and how typical and common your patterns are. That will help you see how you are like other people, after all.

 

[Reborn Relic]

[MENTION=27462]Asdlax[/MENTION]

Okay, so first of all, MDP2525 probably has better advice than me on this front, but I'm going to throw my hat into the ring anyway, just because some of your questions (the ones about significance) are ones I want to answer for myself as well, so brainstorming on this front for you can help us both.

So!

What's preventing you from making a significant contribution?

And if you're using personality type as a means of screening people's ability to satisfy you in a relationship...maybe STPs are the way to go? They're your dual in Socionics and I think a little bit more connected to the world in general, because they seek out life experiences rather than just staying home. Could maybe try NTJs as well, but I'm not sure if that would work the same way.

Of course, I'm not sure that's the method you ought to be using, but you're one person and if it works, it works. What did you like about your ENTP SO?

 

[IndigoViolet11]

Actually purposely tried to avoid full intro but ok. My name is Robert. I'm turning 21 this year.

To clarify, I never mentioned about feeling shallow. I said, in my opinion many people are. And while people do misunderstand my intents sometimes but it doesn't bother me as much as how I rarely ever feel reciprocated. When I mentioned 'different wavelength', I mean a lot of people seem to communicate and live very differently. And that bothers me a lot because I've yet to meet anybody who share the same goal, values and idealism. Being type 1w2, I set a very high expectation from people, especially myself. And it's ruined my relationship before because my ex ENTP couldn't take constructive criticisms well, and we broke up. I really loved her and she wished she had understood that I mean well when I point out her mistakes and offered my assistance. I wanted to help, I want us to grow better together towards the path of endless self improvement. Anyways, I've kinda gotten passed that sad state. This is just an example among many. My current INTP bestfriend is emotionally detached and him being the closest person I have in my life does take a huge damage on me. I can't really focus on many relationships at once so I keep my friends close and manageable. Quality over quantity. The thing is, it just doesn't quite work out well with him. Maybe I need to find a more mature friend, or heck, someone who can emotionally be there for me. But really? It's not at all that simple. It was the deepest friendship I have ever had with anybody and I couldn't seem to let him go. To be honest, I also don't have much energy to start from scratch with strangers. I try but I know it won't work unless I completely leave this INTP which I still cannot afford right now.

I enjoy drawing, I was supposed to leave abroad for an Animation degree in college, but I couldn't go due to family issues. Things have only gone downhill since then. I attempted suicide once, and failed. I still think about it sometimes but I don't plan on making a second attempt outside sudden impulses. I suffer from bipolar2 which is mainly severe depression and a smaller portion of hypomanic episodes. I used to be on medication but stopped. I plan on seeing my psychiatrist again, hopefully sometime soon, as the meds helped organise my sleeping pattern. Without, I could oversleep as long as 16 hours without interruption, and as short as 3 hours a day. Despite having bipolar, I don't have any problem with my anger management. I always have a good reason if I get irritated. It's just the depression and moodswings from happy-sad, back and forth that is unbearable. It's like riding an emotional roller coaster everyday, waking up not knowing if you're gonna feel ecstatic or destroyed. I like taking morning strolls and enjoy the fresh air and nature when I have the chance but lately it hasn't done much.

If there is anything specific you'd like to know, fire away.

Many people put out their points and some are fairly good, but I guess as what you see and feel resonates with me, I can put this one up here.

Be the first one to love anybody, but do not give more than you need to give, because the pocket of others who aren't deep enough are not going to be able to recieve it anyways. Not only that your effort will spill all over the place, like water, they got the whole place messy and untidy. And by that, you probably get your friend all pissed, twisted, all offended, and aggressiveness arises as a mechanism in defense. So at least, do yourself a favor to save yourself is one step toward at least, feeling better and avoid getting hurt. They can only recieve whatever they choose to fill themselves with - let that whoever poor guy go, and neither anybody need to comply, but I am not saying that you mentioned anything related to that. After all, a person is only the person he or she is. If they want to shit, let them get their own shit. There are situations where people get offended even just by telling them certain thing. These people we can only let them be it.

Depression and all those sickness is not doing anyone well at all. Because things get time to fix, not everyone have the money if the government does not sponsor some of the medication fee. Unfortunately, psychologists working in public clinics are rare in my city, and those who are good at counselling, are very expensive to even talk to, so heavy meds and limitless episodes became a common phenomeon. It does not feel nice at all.

However, so long as you desire, and maybe that is good for an introvert too, that it would at least speaking by my own experience, that reading something decent from the web can ease the situation a little - you will feel a little less lonely, but you will have to choose over the good over the shitty ones. Or if you would like to do so, you can ask kindly in places like here, but you will have to be ready that not everybody thinks the same. In additional to that, you always have at least a degree of control of your own thoughts, so you might as well do that first, read other people's post, and ponder on what others said. Sometimes the power of the mind is magical. But work on yourself before you work on others. (Something I should add: ie expand yourself as in making your own pocket bigger first, especially if you want people who got a bigger pocket/capacity. Or at least make room for the pocket to fill.)

The social situation in this forum made me learn a ton on how other people outside my original field interacts, where I could never find it in my original interest. So one day, I just gave up spending much time on it, and went here. All those debates, opinions, good or bad, shaped a lot on how I actually deal with the others in real life. And I am sure you can do that too.

I hope I helped. Just never give up.

 

[meowington]

Well, for starters, I'm a 1w2 INFJ. I long for deep, meaningful relationships. I'm often disappointed at how shallow and bland many people are.

yeah but Earth definitely needs more people like us.

I'm a 37 yr old male INFJ enneagram 1. I hear you. I like you. Don't give in. And yeah, find yourself a buddy.