[INFJ] Issue With Boundaries, Respect and Asserting Myself: Type Related?

[tommyc]

Hi all! I kinda have typology on the brain atm so I was wondering if an issue in my life is type related, particularly INFJ related.

Im fundamentally interested in human connection, so my manner with people is attentive, interested, accommodating. I ask questions, Im nice, Im supportive. I do this naturally. As a result, people can get into a mode where they talk at me. Its almost like they get into a trance and forget Im there. They want to impose themselves on me.

I never much cared when I was younger but as Ive matured and developed as an adult, Ive become more assertive, less passive in conversations, more concerned with respect and boundaries. I have less desire to just be a sounding board anymore. If someone talks at me now in a one-sided way, I find it disrespectful. Consequently Ive noticed that a number of people Ive known a while, friends and family, get frustrated and annoyed with me. They dont like me asserting myself with them, stating my opinion and desires.

Do any other INFJs (or any type) have this problem, or have gone thru this? Is this more of a specifically male INFJ problem: a desire for respect and dominance conflicting with a natural inclination towards attentiveness and connection? Im curious what y'all think...

 

[Earl Grey]

Hi all! I kinda have typology on the brain atm so I was wondering if an issue in my life is type related, particularly INFJ related.

I'll begin by saying that any kind of situation can befall any type.
How and why each type falls into it to begin with and how they deal with it is what differs.

Im fundamentally interested in human connection, so my manner with people is attentive, interested, accommodating. I ask questions, Im nice, Im supportive. I do this naturally. As a result, people can get into a mode where they talk at me. Its almost like they get into a trance and forget Im there. They want to impose themselves on me.

This sounds like an F problem in general, especially Feelers who are also introverted (IXFX types).
And it is quite strange. One might think that assertiveness is more culturally acceptable and unsurprising from a male in general, no matter the type. I know several thinkers who struggle with the same, but for maybe entirely different reasons. Environment also plays a big role; some environments value assertiveness more than passiveness, any type who tries to be more assertive / are more assertive are less likely to run into problems related to asserting themselves in such environments.

I never much cared when I was younger but as Ive matured and developed as an adult, Ive become more assertive, less passive in conversations, more concerned with respect and boundaries. I have less desire to just be a sounding board anymore. If someone talks at me now in a one-sided way, I find it disrespectful. Consequently Ive noticed that a number of people Ive known a while, friends and family, get frustrated and annoyed with me. They dont like me asserting myself with them, stating my opinion and desires.

Do any other INFJs (or any type) have this problem, or have gone thru this? Is this more of a specifically male INFJ problem: a desire for respect and dominance conflicting with a natural inclination towards attentiveness and connection? Im curious what y'all think...

I'd say it's not specific to any type. Even EXTJs can get into headlock with their environments by being too aggressive, and find it disrespectful if people start one-sided conversations with them. With their say, own family, they can be torn between dealing a tough hand and being more tender. Would note that desire for connection and the full attention of your conversation partners is also not exclusive to any one type.

The things you mention are more environmental and situational, in that any type can be faced with brick-wall-like conversational partners. Though again, different types would likely go about things differently when faced with that same situation- but the issue itself and that it occurs at all is not type-exclusive. For example, an EXTJ might be able to better discern that respect and dominance are not mutually exclusive with getting attention and having, maintaining connections and see self-assertion as more of a non-issue.

 

[tommyc]

I'll begin by saying that any kind of situation can befall any type.
How and why each type falls into it to begin with and how they deal with it is what differs.

This sounds like an F problem in general, especially Feelers who are also introverted (IXFX types).
And it is quite strange. One might think that assertiveness is more culturally acceptable and unsurprising from a male in general, no matter the type. I know several thinkers who struggle with the same, but for maybe entirely different reasons. Environment also plays a big role; some environments value assertiveness more than passiveness, any type who tries to be more assertive / are more assertive are less likely to run into problems related to asserting themselves in such environments.




I'd say it's not specific to any type. Even EXTJs can get into headlock with their environments by being too aggressive, and find it disrespectful if people start one-sided conversations with them. With their say, own family, they can be torn between dealing a tough hand and being more tender. Would note that desire for connection and the full attention of your conversation partners is also not exclusive to any one type.

The things you mention are more environmental and situational, in that any type can be faced with brick-wall-like conversational partners. Though again, different types would likely go about things differently when faced with that same situation- but the issue itself and that it occurs at all is not type-exclusive. For example, an EXTJ might be able to better discern that respect and dominance are not mutually exclusive with getting attention and having, maintaining connections and see self-assertion as more of a non-issue.

Thanks for the response. Do you have personal experience of this? If so, what ways have you found best to deal with it?

 

[Earl Grey]

Thanks for the response. Do you have personal experience of this? If so, what ways have you found best to deal with it?

Did you mean a personal experience with 'desire for respect and dominance conflicting with a natural inclination towards attentiveness and connection'?

 

[tommyc]

Did you mean a personal experience with 'desire for respect and dominance conflicting with a natural inclination towards attentiveness and connection'?

Yes, or any of it...

 

[Earl Grey]

Yes, or any of it...

Not that I recall, or at least not in a way that is generalized or recurring. It would not happen to me to begin with, because if I am disrespected in such a way, I will leave pretty soon. To begin with, it takes me a very long time to think someone is worthy of my attention and to connect with. If they can't take my boundaries or are disinterested in what I have to talk about, they are welcome to leave.

But, if it happens, think about context; how important is it to you that you correspond with the person? Do you have to? Why would you want to connect with people who disrespect your boundaries? Is your 'dominance' warranted (for example, are you the team leader of the group)? Why are these people disliking your assertion, are you really asserting yourself healthily and respectfully, or are you going as far as talking over them? It's best to ask those people what they want to get a clearer idea why they are reacting the way they are. If they are unwilling to respect your boundaries, I'd say surround yourself with better people. In fact, simply stating your opinions and desires is hardly 'asserting' or 'dominating' over someone.

 

[tommyc]

Not that I recall, or at least not in a way that is generalized or recurring. It would not happen to me to begin with, because if I am disrespected in such a way, I will leave pretty soon. To begin with, it takes me a very long time to think someone is worthy of my attention and to connect with. If they can't take my boundaries or are disinterested in what I have to talk about, they are welcome to leave.

But, if it happens, think about context; how important is it to you that you correspond with the person? Do you have to? Why would you want to connect with people who disrespect your boundaries? Is your 'dominance' warranted (for example, are you the team leader of the group)? Why are these people disliking your assertion, are you really asserting yourself healthily and respectfully, or are you going as far as talking over them? It's best to ask those people what they want to get a clearer idea why they are reacting the way they are. If they are unwilling to respect your boundaries, I'd say surround yourself with better people. In fact, simply stating your opinions and desires is hardly 'asserting' or 'dominating' over someone.

Hmm... I agree with walking away from people. Ive done that at points. Sometimes, if its with a family member, thats not possible tho. I have to make do.

For me its a bit of a delicate balance. My attitude is open and accommodating, which welcomes people to open up. But I have to make sure to assert myself, otherwise they stop making an effort to take me into account.

I think most people's default setting is to talk about themselves. Its very enjoyable to do that with a person who is interested in you, even slightly addictive. I sometimes see a greed in a person's eyes, a hunger, when they unload at me. So when I stop being quite so attentive, its like Ive taken something away, deprived them of something, so theyre annoyed.

 

[Earl Grey]

Hmm... I agree with walking away from people. Ive done that at points. Sometimes, if its with a family member, thats not possible tho. I have to make do.

Talking and cultivating mutual understanding and respect may work. I think when very caught up with their own things, people can forget that others have their own needs. Do you always comply if they ask you to do things? If you always had, suddenly refusing to might be confusing for them.

For me its a bit of a delicate balance. My attitude is open and accommodating, which welcomes people to open up. But I have to make sure to assert myself, otherwise they stop making an effort to take me into account. I think most people's default setting is to talk about themselves. Its very enjoyable to do that with a person who is interested in you, even slightly addictive. I sometimes see a kind of greed in a person's eyes, a hunger, when they unload at me. So when I stop being quite so attentive, its like Ive taken something away, deprived them of something, so theyre annoyed.

Sounds like a good idea. Those people sound rather entitled, however.

 

[tommyc]

Talking and cultivating mutual understanding and respect may work. I think when very caught up with their own things, people can forget that others have their own needs. Do you always comply if they ask you to do things? If you always had, suddenly refusing to might be confusing for them.




Sounds like a good idea. Those people sound rather entitled, however.

Yeh... I have at times been compliant, but I feel less inclination to do so as I get older. That probably creates confusion, as you say.

I think that, tbh, most people are caught up with their own things. I dont actually have many of my own things, so Im unlikely to forget about others. It can create an imbalance in interaction, especially with those particularly wrapped up in themselves.

 

[Earl Grey]

Yeh... I have at times been compliant, but I feel less inclination to do so as I get older. That probably creates confusion, as you say.

I think that, tbh, most people are caught up with their own things. I dont actually have many of my own things, so Im unlikely to forget about others. It can create an imbalance in interaction, especially with those particularly wrapped up in themselves.

Looks like you've got a good hang of it, then. They'll follow suit and get used to it.