Hello everyone! This is my first post, and I'm looking for some help with a family issue. I'm an INFP in my late twenties, and my mom is an ISFJ. I'm married and live in the town next to hers. I know there have been other posts about ISFJ moms, but I am really trying to understand mine better because I really feel like we just don't "get" each other sometimes.
One example: My mom is very generous, for instance she offers to pay for things and flat-out refuses to let me to pay her back (will not deposit checks, etc.). Unfortunately, she will guilt-trip me later about how she doesn't have enough money for __, and/or she will talk to relatives behind my back about how my now-husband and I "needed" the money. I've learned to stop accepting offers from her, in fact I don't talk about money at all, but she can be quite pushy about offers to the point where I feel guilty for not accepting. I almost feel like she thinks I am rejecting her love and support. I know this is a very privileged issue to have, (poor me, my mom tries to give me money and do me favors!) but it does affect our relationship quite a bit.
The other major issue is the criticism, which I think is a very common mother-daughter issue. And again, not all of the criticism occurs to my face, a lot of it is behind my back. I am getting a lot better at responding to the small criticisms, and it's almost like she criticizes less when I take it in stride instead of getting upset and defensive. That seems very weird to me - does she like it when I am noticeably hurt by a comment? and then gets bored and gives up when I appear unaffected? If I try to express myself in a personal and honest way: "It makes me sad when you criticize my _____ because I ___," she might act like she gets it at that moment (usually not), but it's as if she forgets the next time I see her.
She criticizes her friends to me, and gets irritated when I try to give the benefit of the doubt to the objects of her gossip. She tells me I am too sensitive, and while I don't mind hearing interesting details about people, sometimes it gets to be too much and too unkind.
So after almost 3 decades I've found these workarounds to help our relationship go more smoothly - I don't accept a lot of help, I stay calm in the face of criticism, I keep private things private until I am ready to share them with both her and anyone else she talks to, etc. While these changes have helped cut down on arguments, our relationship is much more superficial now. Only in recent years have I begun to flat out lie to her about things that I am insecure about, and it doesn't feel good to lie, but it does feel good to avoid gossip and criticism.
Are these typical issues within an ISFJ/INFP relationship? Does anyone else struggle with this type of mom/daughter conflict (regardless of type?) And finally, does anyone have any advice on how I can improve my relationship with her? I really think that she is very loving and caring, and I can tell that she wants "more" from our relationship. I believe that she wants me to need her advice and help, but at the same time she blames me if I do. It's very confusing to me. I'm sorry this is so long, thank you in advance for any thoughts.
One example: My mom is very generous, for instance she offers to pay for things and flat-out refuses to let me to pay her back (will not deposit checks, etc.). Unfortunately, she will guilt-trip me later about how she doesn't have enough money for __, and/or she will talk to relatives behind my back about how my now-husband and I "needed" the money. I've learned to stop accepting offers from her, in fact I don't talk about money at all, but she can be quite pushy about offers to the point where I feel guilty for not accepting. I almost feel like she thinks I am rejecting her love and support. I know this is a very privileged issue to have, (poor me, my mom tries to give me money and do me favors!) but it does affect our relationship quite a bit.
The other major issue is the criticism, which I think is a very common mother-daughter issue. And again, not all of the criticism occurs to my face, a lot of it is behind my back. I am getting a lot better at responding to the small criticisms, and it's almost like she criticizes less when I take it in stride instead of getting upset and defensive. That seems very weird to me - does she like it when I am noticeably hurt by a comment? and then gets bored and gives up when I appear unaffected? If I try to express myself in a personal and honest way: "It makes me sad when you criticize my _____ because I ___," she might act like she gets it at that moment (usually not), but it's as if she forgets the next time I see her.
She criticizes her friends to me, and gets irritated when I try to give the benefit of the doubt to the objects of her gossip. She tells me I am too sensitive, and while I don't mind hearing interesting details about people, sometimes it gets to be too much and too unkind.
So after almost 3 decades I've found these workarounds to help our relationship go more smoothly - I don't accept a lot of help, I stay calm in the face of criticism, I keep private things private until I am ready to share them with both her and anyone else she talks to, etc. While these changes have helped cut down on arguments, our relationship is much more superficial now. Only in recent years have I begun to flat out lie to her about things that I am insecure about, and it doesn't feel good to lie, but it does feel good to avoid gossip and criticism.
Are these typical issues within an ISFJ/INFP relationship? Does anyone else struggle with this type of mom/daughter conflict (regardless of type?) And finally, does anyone have any advice on how I can improve my relationship with her? I really think that she is very loving and caring, and I can tell that she wants "more" from our relationship. I believe that she wants me to need her advice and help, but at the same time she blames me if I do. It's very confusing to me. I'm sorry this is so long, thank you in advance for any thoughts.