Gloriana
Patron Saint Of Smileys
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2009
- Messages
- 949
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 6w5
A particular reflection just occurred to me, and this was the first place I thought of to jot it down.
I guess I'll start by saying I'm a massive CSI fan. I've seen every episode a million times but never tire of it, I own DVDs, I write fan fiction for the frickin' show as a latent hobby. Not totally sure why this particular show has such a calming effect on me seeing as it's all about murder, I think it may have to do with the fact I was a nervous Nellie living in my first apartment alone. I could not afford cable television, so all I had were 4 channels to choose from. CSI was just about the only thing I watched, something I looked forward to every week during an unsettling time of transition.
So anyway, they have this traveling exhibit at museums where you walk through a fake crime scene and learn all about forensics with the assistance of CSI actors in videos, etc. "CSI - The Experience". Rumor has it that it may return to a local museum. My other half was the one who pointed it out to me, and I was so utterly excited by the idea (because I'm a nerd before anything else...)
He figured we'd both go, and I instantly felt this pang of resistance and awkwardness inside because I really, really want to go by myself.
What does this have to do with the topic of my thread? Let me digress...
On the whole, I realize that when I'm on an outing with other people, something odd can often happen in my mind where it's almost like I'm seeing everything through their eyes. This intrusive sort of intuition/empathy I can't stand at times because I'm thinking about how others are experiencing it rather than being in touch with myself. If I enjoy my solitude for any reason, it's that.
I've taken many trips by myself, I drove from Florida to PA/NY by myself twice and I went to England for the first time for a month by myself. I enjoy going to the movies by myself, I've even explored an abandoned house I happened upon all on my own. A lot of people I've met seem to think that's either amazing or weird, depending on who they are. Some assume I must hate other people to do so much stuff alone.
It's so hard to explain that's just not the case! If being around a lot of other people exhausts me for any reason, it's because it can be like I'm drawn into their minds as if by tractor beam. When it's something I really desire to experience, I find it hard to share with others. When I was younger, I think I really did get mad at other people for pushing me to take them along when I'd embark on adventures I liked. As if they knew how my mind works and wanted to 'steal' my precious experience from me or something, haha.
Obviously now that I've matured, I don't have the same reaction. If anything, I just feel guilty resisting because I don't want to exclude anyone or be too selfish. Like this CSI thing. I can't pay for it so it would have to be his gift, and I feel like I couldn't ask him to pay for me to go alone, especially knowing he truly wants to see ME enjoy it.
But I'll be seeing it through his eyes, thinking about his reactions. I don't know if any of you guys do this, but do you ever find yourself wandering off from a friend or a group when you find yourselves in a place that captures your fancy? I do it in museums and at theme parks all the friggin' time. For me it's like taking a breather from being in everyone else's head and finding room to see it all for myself (and one of many reasons I get labeled as a space cadet).
I know most of the basic reasons why I have this particular trait, it's the result of my experiences in a very fractured, ignoring, critical family. Knowing where it comes from isn't an issue for me anymore, it's wondering if I'll ever figure out the formula for making it ease off. I mean, I really LIKE it in the respect that I feel I can connect with people better on the basis of knowing so much about how they think (when it's not freaking them out) and this ability also gives me a goldmine to work with in terms of insights for characters I create in my writing/performing.
It can also feel like a freakin' curse a lot of the time, like this current situation. I love people to pieces, I love all the different perspectives I get being intuitive/empathic, don't get me wrong. I just find it hard to both explain this particular idiosyncrasy and how to manage it at times. It also pisses me off sometimes that I can be doing something alone and think "Oooh, ______ would probably love this view", but when I'm with others and someone asks me what I think of the view I basically just wing-it with the most impulsive answer because I won't actually know what I thought of that view until I think about it later, hehehe.
So what are your thoughts? Any of you guys go through this too? How do you manage it?
I guess I'll start by saying I'm a massive CSI fan. I've seen every episode a million times but never tire of it, I own DVDs, I write fan fiction for the frickin' show as a latent hobby. Not totally sure why this particular show has such a calming effect on me seeing as it's all about murder, I think it may have to do with the fact I was a nervous Nellie living in my first apartment alone. I could not afford cable television, so all I had were 4 channels to choose from. CSI was just about the only thing I watched, something I looked forward to every week during an unsettling time of transition.
So anyway, they have this traveling exhibit at museums where you walk through a fake crime scene and learn all about forensics with the assistance of CSI actors in videos, etc. "CSI - The Experience". Rumor has it that it may return to a local museum. My other half was the one who pointed it out to me, and I was so utterly excited by the idea (because I'm a nerd before anything else...)
He figured we'd both go, and I instantly felt this pang of resistance and awkwardness inside because I really, really want to go by myself.
What does this have to do with the topic of my thread? Let me digress...
On the whole, I realize that when I'm on an outing with other people, something odd can often happen in my mind where it's almost like I'm seeing everything through their eyes. This intrusive sort of intuition/empathy I can't stand at times because I'm thinking about how others are experiencing it rather than being in touch with myself. If I enjoy my solitude for any reason, it's that.
I've taken many trips by myself, I drove from Florida to PA/NY by myself twice and I went to England for the first time for a month by myself. I enjoy going to the movies by myself, I've even explored an abandoned house I happened upon all on my own. A lot of people I've met seem to think that's either amazing or weird, depending on who they are. Some assume I must hate other people to do so much stuff alone.
It's so hard to explain that's just not the case! If being around a lot of other people exhausts me for any reason, it's because it can be like I'm drawn into their minds as if by tractor beam. When it's something I really desire to experience, I find it hard to share with others. When I was younger, I think I really did get mad at other people for pushing me to take them along when I'd embark on adventures I liked. As if they knew how my mind works and wanted to 'steal' my precious experience from me or something, haha.
Obviously now that I've matured, I don't have the same reaction. If anything, I just feel guilty resisting because I don't want to exclude anyone or be too selfish. Like this CSI thing. I can't pay for it so it would have to be his gift, and I feel like I couldn't ask him to pay for me to go alone, especially knowing he truly wants to see ME enjoy it.
But I'll be seeing it through his eyes, thinking about his reactions. I don't know if any of you guys do this, but do you ever find yourself wandering off from a friend or a group when you find yourselves in a place that captures your fancy? I do it in museums and at theme parks all the friggin' time. For me it's like taking a breather from being in everyone else's head and finding room to see it all for myself (and one of many reasons I get labeled as a space cadet).
I know most of the basic reasons why I have this particular trait, it's the result of my experiences in a very fractured, ignoring, critical family. Knowing where it comes from isn't an issue for me anymore, it's wondering if I'll ever figure out the formula for making it ease off. I mean, I really LIKE it in the respect that I feel I can connect with people better on the basis of knowing so much about how they think (when it's not freaking them out) and this ability also gives me a goldmine to work with in terms of insights for characters I create in my writing/performing.
It can also feel like a freakin' curse a lot of the time, like this current situation. I love people to pieces, I love all the different perspectives I get being intuitive/empathic, don't get me wrong. I just find it hard to both explain this particular idiosyncrasy and how to manage it at times. It also pisses me off sometimes that I can be doing something alone and think "Oooh, ______ would probably love this view", but when I'm with others and someone asks me what I think of the view I basically just wing-it with the most impulsive answer because I won't actually know what I thought of that view until I think about it later, hehehe.
So what are your thoughts? Any of you guys go through this too? How do you manage it?