Darkramenfly
New member
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2016
- Messages
- 0
- MBTI Type
- INFP
So I'm new to this site, I think it's fantastic! I always look it up on google for my questions about personality and types. I am an INFP, finding out was a huge relief knowing that there are others out there who felt the alienation, intense emotions, superior daydreaming skills and the like. I'd like to share some of my 'experience' as an INFP. Firstly, I don't always react, externally. Everything is inside where I can think about it and mull it over. As a kid, as an extremely shy kid, this didn't give many opportunity for making friends. poor me. And why would it? Most kids are pretty surface level. I was not, so I wasn't interesting. So I had like 2 friends who I treasure and cherish still.
Again, as a kid, I didn't say much. I had a few crisis that probably added to my shyness. My mother who is amazing and sacrificial and just such a bleeding heart, would often ask me to explain why I was feeling the way I was feeling. She really wanted to be on top of any emotional or mental issues and work through them right away because she has fought her own battles the long and hard way and does not want me to go through that. I get that. I just could never explain how I was feeling, which frustrated me. My mind things in wide broad concepts and as a kid that was hard to translate to words on the spot. That let to frustration and me eventually just saying 'fine.'
So I was 'fine' for a long time. I was the weird quiet somber spirit in the corner working on personal writings or artwork. I really just wanted to be 'fine'. I became almost deathly afraid of something being wrong with me. My mom had me in with a psycyotrist hoping I would talk to someone because I didn't talk to her. Well I didn't talk to the psycyotrist. I was 'diagnosed' with ADD and hated the medication so much. When I took the computer test that monitors your attention levels, I don't think I tried so hard to pay attention in my life. I got out of the meds. I think looking back, I was afraid of something being wrong with me because I knew I was different and didn't have many people to appriciate that. Growing up was very ironic because I really wanted to fit in and 'be like the cool kids' at the same time mildly despising them because I saw what they did to people, and how I could never be happy being ingenuinly liked. I honestly related more to the animals in books than anything else. I was just afraid.
I didn't understand who I was. That was middle school. Now I'm 20. I've had one relationship where it tore me apart from the inside because I didn't feel the same way about the guy, and I thought I could do a 'high school fling'. nope nope nope. I died on the inside. Amazing sensitive guy, but I didn't love him. tried to stick it out and fall in love with him. nope nope nope. Broke his heart. I fell in love with a few others since then but one was from australia and I couldn't do long distance, and well, the other is by choice.
I think was baffled and frightened me the most was my occasional bouts of emotional vomit. Meltdowns, not loud, sometimes not even seen, but they were indeed meltdowns. I would just start crying in someones arms on the bus ride to a game. This was it, I was sure I was so broken. Now I see it's because I feel things so deeply. If I refuse to share that, everything builds up and explodes or just weights me down like bricks in a backpack. Recently I've been trudging through a cesspool of sadness. It doesn't help that I don't have a boyfriend and am pretty much the third wheel of everyone I know, not that I need a boyfriend but I do want someone... anyways, my mind just gets so dark. All I can think about sometimes is 'what's the point, everything ends, in the end will this be worth it, dust to dust, bla bla bla' I used to think this was depression, but now I'm starting to think it's just apart of who I am getting a little too introspective. Though I'm able to laugh at myself sometimes, mostly it's frustrating. I can't be productive when I'm constantly dwelling on the fact that in 1000 years cucumber one will remember my name, and my works, my drawings ideas, the words I've written will be forgotton. Is 'living life' just distracting yourself enough to not think of it? Why does that run through my head every day. What do you guys think? How do you pull yourself out of this?
I do have a lot of joy in my life!!!!! just FYI, I love nature and little things, but I bring myself down with all this which is ridiculous because my life is amazingly blessed. it's not a little dehabilitating. What about you guys?
Again, as a kid, I didn't say much. I had a few crisis that probably added to my shyness. My mother who is amazing and sacrificial and just such a bleeding heart, would often ask me to explain why I was feeling the way I was feeling. She really wanted to be on top of any emotional or mental issues and work through them right away because she has fought her own battles the long and hard way and does not want me to go through that. I get that. I just could never explain how I was feeling, which frustrated me. My mind things in wide broad concepts and as a kid that was hard to translate to words on the spot. That let to frustration and me eventually just saying 'fine.'
So I was 'fine' for a long time. I was the weird quiet somber spirit in the corner working on personal writings or artwork. I really just wanted to be 'fine'. I became almost deathly afraid of something being wrong with me. My mom had me in with a psycyotrist hoping I would talk to someone because I didn't talk to her. Well I didn't talk to the psycyotrist. I was 'diagnosed' with ADD and hated the medication so much. When I took the computer test that monitors your attention levels, I don't think I tried so hard to pay attention in my life. I got out of the meds. I think looking back, I was afraid of something being wrong with me because I knew I was different and didn't have many people to appriciate that. Growing up was very ironic because I really wanted to fit in and 'be like the cool kids' at the same time mildly despising them because I saw what they did to people, and how I could never be happy being ingenuinly liked. I honestly related more to the animals in books than anything else. I was just afraid.
I didn't understand who I was. That was middle school. Now I'm 20. I've had one relationship where it tore me apart from the inside because I didn't feel the same way about the guy, and I thought I could do a 'high school fling'. nope nope nope. I died on the inside. Amazing sensitive guy, but I didn't love him. tried to stick it out and fall in love with him. nope nope nope. Broke his heart. I fell in love with a few others since then but one was from australia and I couldn't do long distance, and well, the other is by choice.
I think was baffled and frightened me the most was my occasional bouts of emotional vomit. Meltdowns, not loud, sometimes not even seen, but they were indeed meltdowns. I would just start crying in someones arms on the bus ride to a game. This was it, I was sure I was so broken. Now I see it's because I feel things so deeply. If I refuse to share that, everything builds up and explodes or just weights me down like bricks in a backpack. Recently I've been trudging through a cesspool of sadness. It doesn't help that I don't have a boyfriend and am pretty much the third wheel of everyone I know, not that I need a boyfriend but I do want someone... anyways, my mind just gets so dark. All I can think about sometimes is 'what's the point, everything ends, in the end will this be worth it, dust to dust, bla bla bla' I used to think this was depression, but now I'm starting to think it's just apart of who I am getting a little too introspective. Though I'm able to laugh at myself sometimes, mostly it's frustrating. I can't be productive when I'm constantly dwelling on the fact that in 1000 years cucumber one will remember my name, and my works, my drawings ideas, the words I've written will be forgotton. Is 'living life' just distracting yourself enough to not think of it? Why does that run through my head every day. What do you guys think? How do you pull yourself out of this?
I do have a lot of joy in my life!!!!! just FYI, I love nature and little things, but I bring myself down with all this which is ridiculous because my life is amazingly blessed. it's not a little dehabilitating. What about you guys?
