I didn't leave out the possibility that she's IxFJ or that she's just a very unhealthy INFJ.
You still haven't said anything about
why you think she's either not INFJ, or if INFJ, an unhealthy one.
If she is however an INFJ that doesn't ask for clarification, hasn't been able to figure out how you work or has and is expecting you to be something different.
Okay, so here we are approaching some possible reasons. Let's go into these individually, shall we?
Re: clarification: Let me get the claim straight...you are saying that she is likely not INFJ because she has failed to ask or confront me directly for clarification regarding our mutual communication problem? Alright. Even granted that this is some sort of quintessential INFJ trait, which it likely is not, to desire to confront someone for 'clarification' presupposes that there is a problem that needs to be clarified. Like I have said several times, I am citing a trend that I noticed in her behavior towards me, and speculating about the causes. It may well be that her periods of reticence and awkwardness towards me originate, not in any problem that she perceives with me, but from something internal to her (her mental and emotional state, etc.,). If that is the case, then she would see no need for clarifying anything.
It's just that I don't see any reason to think that her failure to approach me for clarification means definitively that she doesn't perceive a problem with my behavior (that she doesn't get offended by my behavior and thus alter her communication with me). In fact, to conclude so would be to affirm the consequent. For that reason, it makes sense to continue to explore the possibility that my behavior is upsetting her, but that she is failing to confront or approach me about the problem. And this could be for several reasons, none of which preclude her from being INFJ (introversion, shyness, distrust of perceptions, embarrassment, lack of feedback on my part).
In sum, I have argued that her failure to "ask for clarification" signifies either that she does not perceive anything to be clarified (which would be good for me, since I would know that it's not about me), or that she does perceive something but is held back by other factors. Nothing about being INFJ precludes these possibilities.
Now, Re: figuring out how I work: you are saying that the fact that she doesn't have a comprehensive understanding of how I work means that she is likely not INFJ. First off, I would certainly take issue with the veracity of your premise. Do all INFJs figure out how their friends work, and thereby avoid such communication conflicts as the one I'm describing? I suspect that you may be falling pray to what cascademn mentioned...you are putting INFJs on some sort of pedestal. Regardless of what I suspect is causing your misconceptions, however, there are still problems with your claim.
First, there is the problem that I am a particularly inexpressive, non-self-revealing INTP (or whatever type, all that matters is that I am really, really not self-revealing). Because of this, you can hardly expect that she have some sort of comprehensive understanding of my personality, though as I have hinted in other posts, she is not lacking in perception. She recognizes trends in my behavior and tries to accommodate my personality when we're together. For instance, she will respond laughingly to my jokes, even though I know it's a bit forced, or is just peeking through behind the wall of her value-laden reservations. But I digress...the point is that I have not given her quite enough data to really understand me, thus severely limiting the degree to which I can expect her to understand me.
Second, even if she did understand how I worked, that would be a secondary issue as to whether she valued me. And that's my central question: is her inconsistent communication pattern a sign that she doesn't value me as a friend? She could have as transparent an understanding of me as humanly possible, but that would not necessitate that she value me enough to continue friendship. In fact, it could be because of an understanding of how I work that she has the reservations of trust that limit her communication with me on occasions.
In sum, I have argued that your claim that not understanding me = not INFJ is faulty because (1) it is not a realistic trait for any type, (2) even if it were, I haven't given her enough information to work with, and (3) even if it were, and she had all the information she needed to understand me, her great understanding would not necessitate improvement of our communication situation. Or, stating (3) differently, her inconsistent communication with me does not support the inference that she does not understand me.
Of course, you recognized (3) because you stated that "or has and is expecting you to be something different", meaning that you recognize the possibility that she might understand me, but not like me anyway (enough to wish I were something different). The problem with asserting that this goes against her INFJness is that it puts INFJs on a pedestal once again. INFJs are human, and just like any human, there are other humans whom they might not want in their lives (or only to a minimal degree). They are not universally benevolent. She may completely understand me, not want to be friends, AND not have the desire for me to be something different. I would think that she (and all INFJs for that matter) could recognize and respect differences between people without necessarily being friends with everyone. In other words, am I to assume that she wishes everyone who is not her friend for one reason or another were different?
I mean, I could go on but I don't know an INFJ like this, I know ISFJs like this. She also seems like she wants to avoid conflict not clear the air, I don't know, stick to calling her an INFJ if you like and spend the rest of your time trying to figure out why the INFJ keeps behaving in the same ways an ISFJ would.
As to this, I would only mention that, as you and others are wont to point out, INFJs are a rare breed. Therefore you can't have known enough INFJs to have a representative sample of their behavior from experience. Or even ISFJs for that matter.
Further, I didn't know that avoiding conflict was
not an INFJ trait
. I thought this was something that was pretty common among INFX, ISFX, and INTP, at the very least.
And
you can stick to calling her ISFJ if
you want, based on my limited description of her behavior (which you still haven't recognized as too limited to come to a type consideration, which it undoubtedly is) and your cockamamie notions of what an INFJ should look like. At least do me the favor of posting some advice on dealing with ISFJs in your next post, as then you would actually have contributed something semi-useful to the thread.
Thanks.