melody5697
New member
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2022
- Messages
- 23
- Enneagram
- 6w7
- Instinctual Variant
- so/sx
I posted this on Reddit originally but I've only gotten one response so far and I don't expect to get many. I don't know if I'll get any help here, either, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try.
I'm a 25-year-old woman and an INFP. I'm trying to figure out my enneagram and it's hard and I figured I'd fill out another questionnaire. I guess it would probably be helpful for people to know that I was emotionally abused and neglected for the first 15 years of my life (with the exception of a few good years in elementary school during which I was neglected but not abused). I was also physically abused in first and second grade. My mom is schizophrenic and my dad is a porn addict who was "in a fog" for my entire childhood as a result of being psychologically abused by my mom. Fortunately my grandparents rescued me when I was 15. I honestly probably wouldn't even realize how not normal the way I was treated by my parents was if I hadn't lived with my grandparents for five years. I also was sexually assaulted four years ago.
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
I don't know... Can I really say that anything drives me when I basically don't do anything? I don't even know why I don't do anything (other than lack of motivation).
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
Um... Convert to Judaism, get married, have kids, be a foster mom. Maybe move to Israel someday. Aside from that, I really don't have any goals...
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I don't want to hurt anyone. That's the most important thing. I used to only talk about myself and my own interests. It wasn't that I didn't care about people. In my family, nobody asks each other any questions. You just start talking, and if the other person doesn't want to hear it, they say so. (My dad and my sister are autistic. My mom believes that she's autistic as well, but she's schizophrenic, so who knows?) So I just didn't really know how to ask people about themselves. I don't want to be like that anymore, since it probably made me seem self-absorbed when I'm really not (or at least I don't think I am). I don't want to be a burden. Even though I've never wanted to be a burden, there was a time when I would talk to people about my problems all the time anyway (though only through text message; I couldn't out loud), and I was causing them a ton of stress because my problems included extreme guilt, child abuse, suicidal thoughts, etc. (Don't worry, I'm okay now.) I definitely do NOT want to be like that. I don't want to be inconsiderate... But my dad says I'm inconsiderate, so I guess I'm failing at that. I don't want to be someone who isn't there for the people I care about. I don't want to be rude or mean. I don't want to be manipulative. (I used to guilt trip people a lot. I like to think I don't do that anymore.) I value kindness, honesty, love, friendship, loyalty... I'm not sure what else.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
Making everyone hate me. People are very important to me, but I've made a lot of mistakes in the past that have hurt people and then they hated me. I'm afraid I'll mess up more and hurt people and they'll hate me.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I would like to be seen as a good, kind person who's there for people and does the right thing. But I'm socially awkward (I suspect that I may have social (pragmatic) communication disorder) and sometimes I accidentally offend people and I get too angry at my coworker and I'm rude to my sister. I guess I'm at least a decent person because I do genuinely care about people and I don't hurt them on purpose, but I'm definitely very flawed.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Um... I suppose I felt pretty good when I first started working at Walmart. I've known since I was a teenager that I'd like to have a job that involves helping others in some way, but I thought it would have to be something more significant, like being a counselor or something (which I'm sure I would be terrible at and it would take a whole lot of school anyway). But when I started working in the bakery and deli at Walmart, I discovered that I LOVE helping customers! I just had to put on a big smile and follow the script and they were almost always happy with my customer service. They said I was the friendliest employee in the store! I always felt really happy after making customers happy. I found that job VERY fulfilling at first, which I really didn't expect. Most of my coworkers were really nice and I loved talking to them, and I liked the hours and the pay was actually pretty good! I actually felt like I'd found my calling and I'd be happy to work there for the rest of my life. (Everything went way downhill after I found out about all the sanitation issues, though.) Maybe this is a dumb answer... But even with the pandemic, I think that the early months of working at Walmart were the happiest I've ever been in my adult life.
As for what makes me feel my worst... I suppose being in a situation in which I have no control over my own life, I'm surrounded by people who hate me, I've just been through a traumatic event that everyone is telling me was my own fault and not anything to be upset over anyway, all my friends suddenly abandoned me, and there's absolutely no way out and I can't even get enough sleep because I'm stuck sharing a room with three people who won't let me. Yeah... This happened. Job Corps It was bad. I was so angry about the situation that I was genuinely concerned that I would hurt my roommates. I did my best to bottle it up (though my roommates could hear the anger in my voice anytime I had to speak to them) and I even started taking my anger out on myself by cutting, but I ended up exploding and screaming about how much I wanted to murder one of the RAs just because he told me to do chores when it wasn't chore time but he didn't tell anyone else to do chores. I sobbed uncontrollably when people were mad at me or laughing at me. I was listening to Rolling Girl (a song about a girl being bullied) on repeat all day every day and internally freaking out about being bullied. (People were just spreading rumors about me. It wasn't that bad...) My one friend told me I was throwing him under the bus because I asked who had told him all those nasty rumors about me that even HE believed, so I guess wanting something to be done about everyone spreading lies about me wasn't acceptable... And of course, the staff just told me that being bullied at work is normal and that if I can't handle it, I can't handle life. (And they said this KNOWING about my history of suicide attempts.) I seriously contemplated suicide. It was really bad... Things have been worse, but this was the worst experience of my adult life since I stopped taking some medication that was messing with my brain.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a. For extremes, please see the previous paragraph. For what it looks like when I'm NOT under extreme stress... I get annoyed at my sister for singing badly, and I'm honestly pretty rude about it. I've been known to kind of pretend to scream to indicate how much I hate it without directly telling her to stop (though sometimes I just tell her to stop). And sometimes I yell at her for never cleaning the bathroom (which is HER job and I'm not allowed to do it for her, so that means it just never gets done), though lately I've just been asking my dad to make her do it when it gets unbearable. When my dad is berating me over something (usually being a bit flustered because I made a mistake while cooking dinner, I end up yelling right back if he doesn't stop quickly... I'm often mad at my coworker because she has these loud, annoying, and inappropriate phone conversations all the time. I used to tell on her, but it never went anywhere (other than when I complained about her talking about the election being stolen; she doesn't talk about politics at work anymore), so I've given up and now I just blast my music to drown her out. I also get mad when I try to point out a mistake she made and she refuses to listen. I end up raising my voice at her, and a few times I've grabbed a document that she messed up on out of her hands. She thinks I'm really aggressive... But the conflicts are just so exhausting that I've finally just given up and now I quietly correct her work if I can and ignore it if I can't unless her mistake is gonna cause a REALLY big problem. This hasn't been a problem in a while because I don't spend as much time around people as I used to (and when I do, they're people who are more likely to listen to me), but I used to get frustrated when I was having a conversation with someone but they kept interrupting me every time I tried to share my thoughts on the topic, and eventually I would yell, "Listen!!!" I would always start apologizing immediately, though. (Except for when my friend got all aggressive in response. I ran away, then I shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone while the rest of our friends tried to figure out what had just happened.) Also, as a young teenager (13-15), I kicked people who insulted or ignored me, and sometimes I would jump up and down screaming about how much I hated people...
b. Shame used to be a much bigger problem for me than it is now. I suppose it started to be a major problem in fifth grade when I started to feel bad for the way I'd treated a girl in my class the year before, but I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling because I didn't want to be a burden, and I felt okay most of the time anyway. From age 11 to age 21, I absolutely hated myself for everything I've ever done to hurt people. In middle school, I dealt with it by trying to convince myself that I was happy anyway (though the feeling was still always there and I did write about it in my diary). I took on the personality of a girl who I befriended on my first day of sixth grade who was always acting hyper, crazy, random, loud, and as annoying as possible, and I continued to act that way even after she stopped because it was my way of convincing myself that I was happy and friends with everyone. But little things could cause me to have an emotional breakdown. Eventually it completely overwhelmed me and I started cutting and then I attempted suicide. I believed that I was the one person who was completely worthless and irredeemably evil. A recurring theme was that I would feel better for a while when I found someone else who was struggling with similar issues and decided to try to help them. I never succeeded in helping anyone, but trying made me feel like I was actually doing something good for once and maybe I did have value. Another thing that I did a couple times to try to cope was developing some other mental issue that was less painful to deal with, but when I would stop faking said mental issue, it would always lead to a downward spiral. I recall often questioning whether or not I actually existed when things were especially bad... I'm not sure why. And from age 15 to age 19, even though the feelings were still there, I was able to just ignore them most of the time and tell myself I was fine and everything was fine and it didn't matter anymore, except when something would trigger me, but I always felt fine after getting some sleep. During especially bad times, I would turn to friends who I talked to primarily through instant messaging for support (causing them immense stress), but I couldn't talk about any of it out loud (which was why therapy was so unproductive). When I was 20, I fell into a deep depression in which I alternated between being tormented by my memories and not really being able to identify what it was I was feeling... I was mostly able to avoid the feelings by spending 90% of my waking hours watching TV and playing Neopets. But whenever I stopped, I thought about what a horrible, worthless human being I thought I was (or else questioned whether I existed at all). I got better when I went to Job Corps shortly after my 21st birthday and got off of some medication I was on that I believe was contributing to my issues. I have not had any major issues since. When I feel shame over little everyday things, I apologize profusely. When it's something bigger, like actually really hurting someone's feelings, I cry and feel like a horrible person, but it doesn't last long. I'm fine. I don't even have trouble talking about this stuff anymore. It's all in the past.
c. So I sometimes have this feeling in my chest that I associate with anxiety, but I don't actually feel the emotion? Like right now as I'm typing all this. Idk. That's something I've experienced off and on since middle school. I'm used to it and I don't worry about it anymore. Anyway, I often feel anxious in social situations because I worry that I'll mess up and make people hate me, but I haven't felt that way so much the last couple weeks, so that's nice. (Still shy and quiet, though. I think that's just my personality.) It's an issue that comes and goes. At the beginning of the pandemic, I lost my job and the news was saying how bad everything was and my dad was talking about how bad the economy was about to get. I wasn't worried about dying from covid, but I was still worried about what would happen to my family. I just played Animal Crossing all day and tried not to think about it. My dad accuses me of catastrophizing when things go wrong, but I think it's just another example of him not liking emotions. I just get flustered. I'd be able to quickly calm down and figure out what to do if he would just give me a chance instead of yelling at me. I guess I really do catastrophize a bit occasionally, but not often. In the past, I've gotten a bit paranoid when under a lot of stress and decided that people secretly hated me. (Hence the kicking people when I thought they were ignoring me.) This has not been an issue since I was 15.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a. Well, I've already listed multiple examples of how I've behaved when stressed, but I'll share another one: Walmart after I found out about the sanitation issues. When I found out that we weren't cleaning anything properly, I was very concerned about potentially making customers sick, so I started following the proper procedures and I told my team lead about what I'd learned, but he didn't care. I told my manager, but he didn't care. I tried to tell my coworkers about the proper ways to clean things, but most of them didn't care, either. I started being rude to my coworkers who didn't care about cleaning things right (unintentionally, of course), which caused them not to like me anymore... I was frantically trying to follow all the proper cleaning procedures to the letter so the customers would be safe, but since it was just me, it was just so much work and I didn't even have time to do it all and people kept quitting. When internal safety auditors came, I broke down crying as I told them about all the problems. Management started to actually care to some extent, but it wasn't enough, and I was often the only person in the bakery for my entire shift because of staffing shortages. On a day when the work load was particularly overwhelming, I went into the walk-in fridge, curled up on the floor, and cried while screaming that I didn't know what to do. I often tattled on my coworkers for not following the rules. I was completely overwhelmed and it wasn't uncommon for me to cry at work. Then I'd go home and watch TV and read Reddit or Bored Panda until 4 AM. (That's basically what I do now, though, except different hours because I work different hours now.)
b. I suddenly lost my job at Walmart a year ago because I had too many points for being late. There was a misunderstanding of how the points system worked and I didn't realize how many points I had. I started panicking when I clocked in, went to request PPTO because I was late (as long as you have enough PPTO and you request it properly, you don't get points), and saw how many points I had. I requested PPTO for the ones that I could, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't request PPTO for anything from more than a week ago. I still had enough points to be terminated. I was totally freaking out and I told my coworkers that I was afraid I was about to be fired. They tried to reassure me that surely I would've been fired already if I was gonna get fired, but sure enough, I got fired. I called my grandpa crying. I was so worried that my dad would yell at me and I wouldn't be able to find another job. I ended up pretending to go to work for several days (but really using the computer at the library to look for a job). I did end up eventually telling my dad that I got fired, but I didn't tell him why because I knew he would be so mad at me for being late to work so much. He still doesn't know. He thinks I was fired because I was constantly freaking out about all the health code violations potentially putting customers in danger. Fortunately things went much better than expected and I got a job offer within two weeks.
c. I do not like conflict, but it keeps happening.
I try to argue and defend myself, but I often end up yelling because people won't let me speak and then they yell at me. If it continues for long and/or the other person is especially angry at me, I may start to cry. When there's conflict around me but I'm not directly involved in it, I leave if I can. If I can't leave, I listen to music to drown it out. If I can't listen to music, I try to ignore it and make myself as small as possible. When I was a teenager and my grandparents would fight in the car while I was in the backseat (this didn't happen too often; they're very happy together), I would either listen to music or cover my ears and sing the alphabet over and over in my head. A while back, I had a conflict with my aunt and uncle, and I concluded that they'd be better off without me in their lives and I didn't talk to them for months. When I was much younger, though, I sometimes started conflicts on purpose.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
I'm not sure what the difference between authority and power is supposed to be. Anyway, I don't think I really have an issue with authority. I generally prefer being told what to do and having clear guidelines to follow because it's less stressful, so I don't generally mind being told what to do. (I don't do what my dad tells me to do, though. I just say "okay" and then I don't do it. When he gets mad at me later for not doing it, I apologize, but I still don't actually do it.) But sometimes authorities are wrong. Like when the management at Walmart didn't care about the sanitation standards. Then it's important to do the right thing anyway. Also not a big fan of the government having too much authority because they're bad at deciding what the rules should be and then enforcing them fairly. I guess you could say I'm a libertarian. Um... The religion I want to convert to (Orthodox Judaism) has a lot of rules I'll have to follow, but there's a lot of disagreement about the specifics of many of the rules, and to some extent, I'll be able to choose to go with the rulings that make the most sense to me (provided they're from legitimate authorities). With some things, I'll have to go along with whatever my community does, but I'm okay with that. But I'm afraid to ask my rabbi about a few things because then I'll be bound by whatever he tells me and I don't want to never sing in front of a man again, for example. I've never been put in a position of authority myself, but I'm sure I'd be very bad at it because I don't know how to get people to listen to me.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
Well... I think that most people are good, and even the ones who aren't have the potential to be good. The world is kind of a mess, but it IS getting better even if it doesn't always seem like it, and someday it'll all be okay. This wasn't always what I believed. I went through a period when I wasn't sure that this world was even worth saving. (I was watching some really pessimistic anime at the time and I think it was influencing me. That was also a time when I was depressed and the world often felt unreal and I felt more alive while watching TV than while actually living my life.) There have been periods when I've been very concerned about a particular issue, but I still believed that humanity would work it out eventually and everything would be okay. As for my own life, I'm not so certain that I'll ever truly be happy and there have been times when I've believed that my life was completely hopeless (but I haven't felt that way in 3.5 years), but I guess I lack the motivation to actually do much to ensure that my future will be bright.
So anyone have any thoughts? Also, here's a link to screenshots of results I've gotten on enneagram tests:
I'm a 25-year-old woman and an INFP. I'm trying to figure out my enneagram and it's hard and I figured I'd fill out another questionnaire. I guess it would probably be helpful for people to know that I was emotionally abused and neglected for the first 15 years of my life (with the exception of a few good years in elementary school during which I was neglected but not abused). I was also physically abused in first and second grade. My mom is schizophrenic and my dad is a porn addict who was "in a fog" for my entire childhood as a result of being psychologically abused by my mom. Fortunately my grandparents rescued me when I was 15. I honestly probably wouldn't even realize how not normal the way I was treated by my parents was if I hadn't lived with my grandparents for five years. I also was sexually assaulted four years ago.
1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
I don't know... Can I really say that anything drives me when I basically don't do anything? I don't even know why I don't do anything (other than lack of motivation).
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
Um... Convert to Judaism, get married, have kids, be a foster mom. Maybe move to Israel someday. Aside from that, I really don't have any goals...
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I don't want to hurt anyone. That's the most important thing. I used to only talk about myself and my own interests. It wasn't that I didn't care about people. In my family, nobody asks each other any questions. You just start talking, and if the other person doesn't want to hear it, they say so. (My dad and my sister are autistic. My mom believes that she's autistic as well, but she's schizophrenic, so who knows?) So I just didn't really know how to ask people about themselves. I don't want to be like that anymore, since it probably made me seem self-absorbed when I'm really not (or at least I don't think I am). I don't want to be a burden. Even though I've never wanted to be a burden, there was a time when I would talk to people about my problems all the time anyway (though only through text message; I couldn't out loud), and I was causing them a ton of stress because my problems included extreme guilt, child abuse, suicidal thoughts, etc. (Don't worry, I'm okay now.) I definitely do NOT want to be like that. I don't want to be inconsiderate... But my dad says I'm inconsiderate, so I guess I'm failing at that. I don't want to be someone who isn't there for the people I care about. I don't want to be rude or mean. I don't want to be manipulative. (I used to guilt trip people a lot. I like to think I don't do that anymore.) I value kindness, honesty, love, friendship, loyalty... I'm not sure what else.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
Making everyone hate me. People are very important to me, but I've made a lot of mistakes in the past that have hurt people and then they hated me. I'm afraid I'll mess up more and hurt people and they'll hate me.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I would like to be seen as a good, kind person who's there for people and does the right thing. But I'm socially awkward (I suspect that I may have social (pragmatic) communication disorder) and sometimes I accidentally offend people and I get too angry at my coworker and I'm rude to my sister. I guess I'm at least a decent person because I do genuinely care about people and I don't hurt them on purpose, but I'm definitely very flawed.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
Um... I suppose I felt pretty good when I first started working at Walmart. I've known since I was a teenager that I'd like to have a job that involves helping others in some way, but I thought it would have to be something more significant, like being a counselor or something (which I'm sure I would be terrible at and it would take a whole lot of school anyway). But when I started working in the bakery and deli at Walmart, I discovered that I LOVE helping customers! I just had to put on a big smile and follow the script and they were almost always happy with my customer service. They said I was the friendliest employee in the store! I always felt really happy after making customers happy. I found that job VERY fulfilling at first, which I really didn't expect. Most of my coworkers were really nice and I loved talking to them, and I liked the hours and the pay was actually pretty good! I actually felt like I'd found my calling and I'd be happy to work there for the rest of my life. (Everything went way downhill after I found out about all the sanitation issues, though.) Maybe this is a dumb answer... But even with the pandemic, I think that the early months of working at Walmart were the happiest I've ever been in my adult life.
As for what makes me feel my worst... I suppose being in a situation in which I have no control over my own life, I'm surrounded by people who hate me, I've just been through a traumatic event that everyone is telling me was my own fault and not anything to be upset over anyway, all my friends suddenly abandoned me, and there's absolutely no way out and I can't even get enough sleep because I'm stuck sharing a room with three people who won't let me. Yeah... This happened. Job Corps It was bad. I was so angry about the situation that I was genuinely concerned that I would hurt my roommates. I did my best to bottle it up (though my roommates could hear the anger in my voice anytime I had to speak to them) and I even started taking my anger out on myself by cutting, but I ended up exploding and screaming about how much I wanted to murder one of the RAs just because he told me to do chores when it wasn't chore time but he didn't tell anyone else to do chores. I sobbed uncontrollably when people were mad at me or laughing at me. I was listening to Rolling Girl (a song about a girl being bullied) on repeat all day every day and internally freaking out about being bullied. (People were just spreading rumors about me. It wasn't that bad...) My one friend told me I was throwing him under the bus because I asked who had told him all those nasty rumors about me that even HE believed, so I guess wanting something to be done about everyone spreading lies about me wasn't acceptable... And of course, the staff just told me that being bullied at work is normal and that if I can't handle it, I can't handle life. (And they said this KNOWING about my history of suicide attempts.) I seriously contemplated suicide. It was really bad... Things have been worse, but this was the worst experience of my adult life since I stopped taking some medication that was messing with my brain.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a. For extremes, please see the previous paragraph. For what it looks like when I'm NOT under extreme stress... I get annoyed at my sister for singing badly, and I'm honestly pretty rude about it. I've been known to kind of pretend to scream to indicate how much I hate it without directly telling her to stop (though sometimes I just tell her to stop). And sometimes I yell at her for never cleaning the bathroom (which is HER job and I'm not allowed to do it for her, so that means it just never gets done), though lately I've just been asking my dad to make her do it when it gets unbearable. When my dad is berating me over something (usually being a bit flustered because I made a mistake while cooking dinner, I end up yelling right back if he doesn't stop quickly... I'm often mad at my coworker because she has these loud, annoying, and inappropriate phone conversations all the time. I used to tell on her, but it never went anywhere (other than when I complained about her talking about the election being stolen; she doesn't talk about politics at work anymore), so I've given up and now I just blast my music to drown her out. I also get mad when I try to point out a mistake she made and she refuses to listen. I end up raising my voice at her, and a few times I've grabbed a document that she messed up on out of her hands. She thinks I'm really aggressive... But the conflicts are just so exhausting that I've finally just given up and now I quietly correct her work if I can and ignore it if I can't unless her mistake is gonna cause a REALLY big problem. This hasn't been a problem in a while because I don't spend as much time around people as I used to (and when I do, they're people who are more likely to listen to me), but I used to get frustrated when I was having a conversation with someone but they kept interrupting me every time I tried to share my thoughts on the topic, and eventually I would yell, "Listen!!!" I would always start apologizing immediately, though. (Except for when my friend got all aggressive in response. I ran away, then I shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone while the rest of our friends tried to figure out what had just happened.) Also, as a young teenager (13-15), I kicked people who insulted or ignored me, and sometimes I would jump up and down screaming about how much I hated people...
b. Shame used to be a much bigger problem for me than it is now. I suppose it started to be a major problem in fifth grade when I started to feel bad for the way I'd treated a girl in my class the year before, but I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling because I didn't want to be a burden, and I felt okay most of the time anyway. From age 11 to age 21, I absolutely hated myself for everything I've ever done to hurt people. In middle school, I dealt with it by trying to convince myself that I was happy anyway (though the feeling was still always there and I did write about it in my diary). I took on the personality of a girl who I befriended on my first day of sixth grade who was always acting hyper, crazy, random, loud, and as annoying as possible, and I continued to act that way even after she stopped because it was my way of convincing myself that I was happy and friends with everyone. But little things could cause me to have an emotional breakdown. Eventually it completely overwhelmed me and I started cutting and then I attempted suicide. I believed that I was the one person who was completely worthless and irredeemably evil. A recurring theme was that I would feel better for a while when I found someone else who was struggling with similar issues and decided to try to help them. I never succeeded in helping anyone, but trying made me feel like I was actually doing something good for once and maybe I did have value. Another thing that I did a couple times to try to cope was developing some other mental issue that was less painful to deal with, but when I would stop faking said mental issue, it would always lead to a downward spiral. I recall often questioning whether or not I actually existed when things were especially bad... I'm not sure why. And from age 15 to age 19, even though the feelings were still there, I was able to just ignore them most of the time and tell myself I was fine and everything was fine and it didn't matter anymore, except when something would trigger me, but I always felt fine after getting some sleep. During especially bad times, I would turn to friends who I talked to primarily through instant messaging for support (causing them immense stress), but I couldn't talk about any of it out loud (which was why therapy was so unproductive). When I was 20, I fell into a deep depression in which I alternated between being tormented by my memories and not really being able to identify what it was I was feeling... I was mostly able to avoid the feelings by spending 90% of my waking hours watching TV and playing Neopets. But whenever I stopped, I thought about what a horrible, worthless human being I thought I was (or else questioned whether I existed at all). I got better when I went to Job Corps shortly after my 21st birthday and got off of some medication I was on that I believe was contributing to my issues. I have not had any major issues since. When I feel shame over little everyday things, I apologize profusely. When it's something bigger, like actually really hurting someone's feelings, I cry and feel like a horrible person, but it doesn't last long. I'm fine. I don't even have trouble talking about this stuff anymore. It's all in the past.
c. So I sometimes have this feeling in my chest that I associate with anxiety, but I don't actually feel the emotion? Like right now as I'm typing all this. Idk. That's something I've experienced off and on since middle school. I'm used to it and I don't worry about it anymore. Anyway, I often feel anxious in social situations because I worry that I'll mess up and make people hate me, but I haven't felt that way so much the last couple weeks, so that's nice. (Still shy and quiet, though. I think that's just my personality.) It's an issue that comes and goes. At the beginning of the pandemic, I lost my job and the news was saying how bad everything was and my dad was talking about how bad the economy was about to get. I wasn't worried about dying from covid, but I was still worried about what would happen to my family. I just played Animal Crossing all day and tried not to think about it. My dad accuses me of catastrophizing when things go wrong, but I think it's just another example of him not liking emotions. I just get flustered. I'd be able to quickly calm down and figure out what to do if he would just give me a chance instead of yelling at me. I guess I really do catastrophize a bit occasionally, but not often. In the past, I've gotten a bit paranoid when under a lot of stress and decided that people secretly hated me. (Hence the kicking people when I thought they were ignoring me.) This has not been an issue since I was 15.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a. Well, I've already listed multiple examples of how I've behaved when stressed, but I'll share another one: Walmart after I found out about the sanitation issues. When I found out that we weren't cleaning anything properly, I was very concerned about potentially making customers sick, so I started following the proper procedures and I told my team lead about what I'd learned, but he didn't care. I told my manager, but he didn't care. I tried to tell my coworkers about the proper ways to clean things, but most of them didn't care, either. I started being rude to my coworkers who didn't care about cleaning things right (unintentionally, of course), which caused them not to like me anymore... I was frantically trying to follow all the proper cleaning procedures to the letter so the customers would be safe, but since it was just me, it was just so much work and I didn't even have time to do it all and people kept quitting. When internal safety auditors came, I broke down crying as I told them about all the problems. Management started to actually care to some extent, but it wasn't enough, and I was often the only person in the bakery for my entire shift because of staffing shortages. On a day when the work load was particularly overwhelming, I went into the walk-in fridge, curled up on the floor, and cried while screaming that I didn't know what to do. I often tattled on my coworkers for not following the rules. I was completely overwhelmed and it wasn't uncommon for me to cry at work. Then I'd go home and watch TV and read Reddit or Bored Panda until 4 AM. (That's basically what I do now, though, except different hours because I work different hours now.)
b. I suddenly lost my job at Walmart a year ago because I had too many points for being late. There was a misunderstanding of how the points system worked and I didn't realize how many points I had. I started panicking when I clocked in, went to request PPTO because I was late (as long as you have enough PPTO and you request it properly, you don't get points), and saw how many points I had. I requested PPTO for the ones that I could, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't request PPTO for anything from more than a week ago. I still had enough points to be terminated. I was totally freaking out and I told my coworkers that I was afraid I was about to be fired. They tried to reassure me that surely I would've been fired already if I was gonna get fired, but sure enough, I got fired. I called my grandpa crying. I was so worried that my dad would yell at me and I wouldn't be able to find another job. I ended up pretending to go to work for several days (but really using the computer at the library to look for a job). I did end up eventually telling my dad that I got fired, but I didn't tell him why because I knew he would be so mad at me for being late to work so much. He still doesn't know. He thinks I was fired because I was constantly freaking out about all the health code violations potentially putting customers in danger. Fortunately things went much better than expected and I got a job offer within two weeks.
c. I do not like conflict, but it keeps happening.
I try to argue and defend myself, but I often end up yelling because people won't let me speak and then they yell at me. If it continues for long and/or the other person is especially angry at me, I may start to cry. When there's conflict around me but I'm not directly involved in it, I leave if I can. If I can't leave, I listen to music to drown it out. If I can't listen to music, I try to ignore it and make myself as small as possible. When I was a teenager and my grandparents would fight in the car while I was in the backseat (this didn't happen too often; they're very happy together), I would either listen to music or cover my ears and sing the alphabet over and over in my head. A while back, I had a conflict with my aunt and uncle, and I concluded that they'd be better off without me in their lives and I didn't talk to them for months. When I was much younger, though, I sometimes started conflicts on purpose.9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
I'm not sure what the difference between authority and power is supposed to be. Anyway, I don't think I really have an issue with authority. I generally prefer being told what to do and having clear guidelines to follow because it's less stressful, so I don't generally mind being told what to do. (I don't do what my dad tells me to do, though. I just say "okay" and then I don't do it. When he gets mad at me later for not doing it, I apologize, but I still don't actually do it.) But sometimes authorities are wrong. Like when the management at Walmart didn't care about the sanitation standards. Then it's important to do the right thing anyway. Also not a big fan of the government having too much authority because they're bad at deciding what the rules should be and then enforcing them fairly. I guess you could say I'm a libertarian. Um... The religion I want to convert to (Orthodox Judaism) has a lot of rules I'll have to follow, but there's a lot of disagreement about the specifics of many of the rules, and to some extent, I'll be able to choose to go with the rulings that make the most sense to me (provided they're from legitimate authorities). With some things, I'll have to go along with whatever my community does, but I'm okay with that. But I'm afraid to ask my rabbi about a few things because then I'll be bound by whatever he tells me and I don't want to never sing in front of a man again, for example. I've never been put in a position of authority myself, but I'm sure I'd be very bad at it because I don't know how to get people to listen to me.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
Well... I think that most people are good, and even the ones who aren't have the potential to be good. The world is kind of a mess, but it IS getting better even if it doesn't always seem like it, and someday it'll all be okay. This wasn't always what I believed. I went through a period when I wasn't sure that this world was even worth saving. (I was watching some really pessimistic anime at the time and I think it was influencing me. That was also a time when I was depressed and the world often felt unreal and I felt more alive while watching TV than while actually living my life.) There have been periods when I've been very concerned about a particular issue, but I still believed that humanity would work it out eventually and everything would be okay. As for my own life, I'm not so certain that I'll ever truly be happy and there have been times when I've believed that my life was completely hopeless (but I haven't felt that way in 3.5 years), but I guess I lack the motivation to actually do much to ensure that my future will be bright.
So anyone have any thoughts? Also, here's a link to screenshots of results I've gotten on enneagram tests:
