greenfairy
philosopher wood nymph
- Joined
- May 25, 2012
- Messages
- 4,024
- MBTI Type
- iNfj
- Enneagram
- 6w5
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/sp
I got on here intending to write about my emotions, but I got pleasantly distracted, and now they've mostly gone. That's a good thing in the short term but not good in that I've medicated the symptoms but not treated the underlying condition; so I'm making myself do this now.
I'm much more self disclosing I think than most XNTP's, and I write a lot about my emotions- that's an INFP thing to do. But whatever.
Writing usually helps me figure it out, and whatever conclusions I come to whether from the process of writing or after I've thought about it on my own could be helpful to someone if they experience the same thing. And sometimes people actually offer thoughts which help me sort the situation out and see things from a different perspective. So here's another public diary entry of sorts.
I was feeling sleepy and decided to go to bed. Then the realization came, as it often does, that I didn't study Japanese today. I took stock of things to see how my actions fit into my short and long term goals, and saw that I had procrastinated and forgot about what I needed to do yet again, and each time I do this I decrease the time I have to do things, and increase my chances of failure. I got a huge knot of panic and anxiety in my stomach. I knew I couldn't properly sleep that way, and even if I could it would still partially be there tomorrow. So I decided to get up and study for awhile. I knew I'd feel better.
The extreme reaction told me this is an opportunity for introspection and critical thinking, related to an important life lesson. The universe has a way of making things clear to me, which is good.
I examined my thought process: Memories of every time I have failed because of procrastination combined themselves into a big foreboding mass, and told me that based on past experience and current progress this was likely to happen again. If I don't study during the summer, I won't have enough time during fall semester (and not only do I have to study, but part of the final exam is a huge translation and an essay, both of which I haven't done), and then I will fail the final exam (I have to take it because I got an incomplete), and then my GPA will suffer, and then I won't get into grad school, and then I can't be a philosopher, which probably means I'll be wildly jealous and resentful of other philosophers and unhappy for the rest of my life and probably not ever be able to make a decent living. I'll hate myself for doing something stupid forever.
Obviously this is not all quite true. For one thing, no one can know the future. There are all kinds of possibilities. For another, I have some control over my part of it; and if it's out of my hands and inevitable, that's just what's going to happen and there's no use worrying. If it happens it's probably meant to happen, and whatever is meant to happen will probably be a good thing for me in the long run, so I shouldn't worry. One of my mantras is "I release everything to the universe and trust that it will all work out as it should." What's the worst case scenario? Even if it were to occur, my life wouldn't be ruined, and I would survive. Whatever happens if I know about it in advance, I might as well just accept it, prepare for the future, and move on. Again, no reason to worry. So panicking, based on this analysis, is not a proportional reaction to the situation.
And it's not true that I've been putting it off all summer; I just haven't studied nearly as much as I intended.
Just a little reminder to be mindful of my actions and a little more disciplined.
So now time to look at my emotions. Panic, fear, guilt, shame, resentment, despair, all kinds of self loathing, and a little bit of excitement and hope that I can make things right in the future.
Why do I react this way? I've experienced this "worst case scenario" many times in the past, sadly. I used to be a rather terrible student. So I'm classically conditioned to expect a similar chain of events and physiologically react a certain way, and it's not an altogether unreasonable fear. But it is an overreaction, and there is always a deeper reason for it. I'm sure my IXTJ Dad's Te critical judgmental attitude combined with my Mom's inferior Ne catastrophizing combined to cause me to expect the worst of myself. Rather than help me stop my unproductive behavior they increased it by making me afraid to do anything. So those were some outside factors. I'm sure there is a lot I could gain by seeing my internal process clearly, but that will always be a mystery. So I'll focus on reality being such that I don't need to be afraid of anything. Fear and panic are rarely appropriate responses. I think seeing why in each situation is important.
I think I may have to create a renewed enthusiasm for the activity. I got kind of burned out on it after two and a half years. So I'll remember why I began studying Japanese in the first place, and imagine what it would be like to be able to have conversations in Japanese, and to have an easy time learning it. If I imagine it it will seem more real to me.
I'm much more self disclosing I think than most XNTP's, and I write a lot about my emotions- that's an INFP thing to do. But whatever.
Writing usually helps me figure it out, and whatever conclusions I come to whether from the process of writing or after I've thought about it on my own could be helpful to someone if they experience the same thing. And sometimes people actually offer thoughts which help me sort the situation out and see things from a different perspective. So here's another public diary entry of sorts.
I was feeling sleepy and decided to go to bed. Then the realization came, as it often does, that I didn't study Japanese today. I took stock of things to see how my actions fit into my short and long term goals, and saw that I had procrastinated and forgot about what I needed to do yet again, and each time I do this I decrease the time I have to do things, and increase my chances of failure. I got a huge knot of panic and anxiety in my stomach. I knew I couldn't properly sleep that way, and even if I could it would still partially be there tomorrow. So I decided to get up and study for awhile. I knew I'd feel better.
The extreme reaction told me this is an opportunity for introspection and critical thinking, related to an important life lesson. The universe has a way of making things clear to me, which is good.
I examined my thought process: Memories of every time I have failed because of procrastination combined themselves into a big foreboding mass, and told me that based on past experience and current progress this was likely to happen again. If I don't study during the summer, I won't have enough time during fall semester (and not only do I have to study, but part of the final exam is a huge translation and an essay, both of which I haven't done), and then I will fail the final exam (I have to take it because I got an incomplete), and then my GPA will suffer, and then I won't get into grad school, and then I can't be a philosopher, which probably means I'll be wildly jealous and resentful of other philosophers and unhappy for the rest of my life and probably not ever be able to make a decent living. I'll hate myself for doing something stupid forever.
Obviously this is not all quite true. For one thing, no one can know the future. There are all kinds of possibilities. For another, I have some control over my part of it; and if it's out of my hands and inevitable, that's just what's going to happen and there's no use worrying. If it happens it's probably meant to happen, and whatever is meant to happen will probably be a good thing for me in the long run, so I shouldn't worry. One of my mantras is "I release everything to the universe and trust that it will all work out as it should." What's the worst case scenario? Even if it were to occur, my life wouldn't be ruined, and I would survive. Whatever happens if I know about it in advance, I might as well just accept it, prepare for the future, and move on. Again, no reason to worry. So panicking, based on this analysis, is not a proportional reaction to the situation.
And it's not true that I've been putting it off all summer; I just haven't studied nearly as much as I intended.
Just a little reminder to be mindful of my actions and a little more disciplined.
So now time to look at my emotions. Panic, fear, guilt, shame, resentment, despair, all kinds of self loathing, and a little bit of excitement and hope that I can make things right in the future.
Why do I react this way? I've experienced this "worst case scenario" many times in the past, sadly. I used to be a rather terrible student. So I'm classically conditioned to expect a similar chain of events and physiologically react a certain way, and it's not an altogether unreasonable fear. But it is an overreaction, and there is always a deeper reason for it. I'm sure my IXTJ Dad's Te critical judgmental attitude combined with my Mom's inferior Ne catastrophizing combined to cause me to expect the worst of myself. Rather than help me stop my unproductive behavior they increased it by making me afraid to do anything. So those were some outside factors. I'm sure there is a lot I could gain by seeing my internal process clearly, but that will always be a mystery. So I'll focus on reality being such that I don't need to be afraid of anything. Fear and panic are rarely appropriate responses. I think seeing why in each situation is important.
I think I may have to create a renewed enthusiasm for the activity. I got kind of burned out on it after two and a half years. So I'll remember why I began studying Japanese in the first place, and imagine what it would be like to be able to have conversations in Japanese, and to have an easy time learning it. If I imagine it it will seem more real to me.
